The truth is that I'm dying inside. I am trying so hard to do the right thing and the more I try the more I seem to screw things up. I'm trying the best that I can. I dont know what to think, say or do. I'm lost, confusd and I can make sense of anything anyone is saying. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I've tried so hard to be strong, I have no energy left. Everytime I see her I'm not able to breathe...I have panic attacks. That's why I don want to see her because every time I do I feel lime I'm dying. Pathetic, yes, I'm sure.
I'm tired of pretending I've got it all together...I don't. My world feels line it's collapsing all around me and I'm lost.
ALL OF THIS is normal. It has happened to every single one of us. I'm glad you don't live in denial anymore. Except it.
I'm not going to judge you. However, I'm going to ask you a question.
Do you like feeling this way? I mean really? Think about this question deeper than just saying 'No'.
Feeling this way is okay to a point, but you have to make a choice. Accept the reality that is in front of you and move forward or wallow in it.
Without a doubt, your WAW is smelling, feeling, and absolutely TURNED off. ALL your interactions will REAK of this wuss effect. Understand, I get where you are, but you have got to STAND UP and DO something DIFFERENT. Time to take charge of you. What makes David happy? What makes you STRONG? David, it's do or die man...if you choose to wallow you will get NO WHERE.
Starting tomorrow. Do something...ANYTHING different! Except her choice as something you CAN NOT control and move the opposite direction. Right now pretend she died yesterday and you are grieving but making your way in your life ANYWAY. What will David do if she doesn't come back...what will you do if she was actually dead. Sooner you grasp this the better you will be.
When all else fails, look at how you would feel if one of your kids were grown and going through this. What would you do to support them and how would you give them advice? That advice is how you need to live.
Welcome to rock bottom, it's your choice if you choose to stay attached. She owes you nothing. What does David want?
Alright everybody. I took a few days off to clear my head. I was/am afraid. I lashed out on some people...especially MrBond and I want to say that I'm sorry. My emotions got in the way of my actions and I blew it. I'm hoping we can all move past this.
I'm going to come around here every once in awhile, but not too much. I just feel that there are too many voices and I'm starting to overanalyze every move I make.
Just so you all know, my wife and I are talking again. She has decided to work on us again. She's not ready to be physical, to date, or even hang out that much. She said that she has been completely exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. She needs her space still. I understand this and am willing to give her as much space as she needs. I love this woman with all my heart and soul. I'm getting a second chance and I'm not going to take it lightly. It still hurts being away from her and having little face to face contact. That's pain I am willing to take. We both agree that if we jump back into this thing right away it will never work. We have talked about it and we both think that we can have a happier and stronger marriage, but the key is taking it slow...one day at a time.
I realize that I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Especially when it comes to dealing with my emotions. I like to think I have my emotions in check...I'm not so sure now. That's good though because I have another goal I can work on.
Oh yeah, I gave my wife my new number before we decided to work on things. For the record though, there is an emergency line that she can call that will be routed to my cell phone. It is a number she can reach me at if she needed too, without knowing my day to day number. I can call her (or the kids) from this line as well (from my cell) and it will not show my regular number on the ID. It actually goes much farther in depth than that...I'm an engineer and a geek. It's hard for me to explain techie stuff in terms that everyone can understand...and I was working on being less wordy. Thus the reason I did not describe in detail how I had everything set up. Just know I did have my bases covered and was not alienating myself from my kids. They mean more to me than anything else.
I understand this and am willing to give her as much space as she needs.
That's what you say now, b/c you see the "talking again" as a step forward. I want to give you a bit of a warning for upcoming frustration.
The majority of posts I've read from LBH's usually show fast onset of discouragment if the WAW does not show any attempts at closing some of the "space she needs".
I'm not saying that anyone did anything wrong or right, I'm just telling you that she will be there in that "same space" for some time......unless something else jolts her out of it.
I hope you will continue to post b/c when members don't stay in regular contact, it seems people think they've left the board or else they forget the status of their stitch.
(hugs)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She said she was willing to work on us and herself. Now she's saying that she wants to work on herself. Basically, we can talk now, but nothing else has changed. She told me that I'm a completely negative person and she can't be around that...so, she can't promise anything. Yet she continues to tell menshe loves me...not in love with me. If I'm so negative, why is she wanting to open the lines of communication? I'm getting mixed messages. My daughter asked me why her mom and I were talking more. I told my W about this. She asked what I said and I told her that I don know what to say because I don't want to get her hopes up. She responds with, "I wouldn't say that was getting her hopes up. I really want to work on this. And on me". Am I just being a male and not reading between the lines? I'm confused...so,so confused.
I'm jumping the gun with her and I need to back off.
I'm just so tired of all of this. I'm not sleeping well, my emotions are in
You're getting mixed messages because your W is confused, probably just as confused as you are. You *both* need to work on yourselves before working on your R.
How did you feel when she told you that you were so negative? Did it sting? If it did, that might be something you want to explore about yourself. Those words that sting often show some truth in them.
One thing that I don't think has sunk in yet for you (and it's very common) is that *time* is your biggest asset right now. Most of us are guilty of wanting to speed up the process, take shortcuts and assume the first positive action we see is the beginning of the end. It's not. I don't want to freak you out, but look at my signature... Yes, it's been over a year of up, down, loop de loop and more for me. I'm finally (mostly) in a good place in my life and I'm seeing potential for the *beginnings* of the first steps of R with my W. Your timeline may vary, but I guarantee it will be longer than you think.
Do your best to pull yourself together, don't try to fix everything at once, and remember that small but consistent changes are the ones that will get noticed.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
1) You can't force her to do anything. Simple as that. The anxiety you're feeling is coming from the urge to control. It [censored], but that's how it is. What you can do is to learn techniques to control that anxiety. Go running or something physical, meditate, etc. Anything to get your mind off of the sitch. Start that right away. The more you do this, the faster the anxiety will go away and you'll be able to deal with her with a clear head.
2) Most WAS's say that they need space, etc. So rather than fight her for it, give it to her. BUT continue to work on yourself. You need to do a dramatic change. What were her issues? Write them down, print them and hang it up. Make it a point to address each one. It'll make you a better person in the end.
3) Stay consistent. Our WAS will swing back and forth from positive to negative. However, YOU must remain CONSISTENT. Even when she is spewing at you for no apparent reason, stay the same.
4) Remember what got her interested in you in the first place. Keep that in mind. Slowly increase the positive interactions with her. Imagine that she's a stray dog that's wandered into your yard. You don't rush forward and give it alot of attention. It'll run away. Slowly approach. Slowly give it food. The next day water. Earn it's trust. Then it'll come to you. That's what you need to do to your W.
5) Learn patience. This is the hardest which is why getting rid of your anxiety or at least lessening it is very important.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
One tip that I followed was to have a running soundtrack in my head that would keep me on track. It's like training for something.Keep the goal in mind. Imagine that it is true and act towards that goal.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
AND>4) Remember what got her interested in you in the first place. Keep that in mind. Slowly increase the positive interactions with her. Imagine that she's a stray dog that's wandered into your yard. You don't rush forward and give it alot of attention. It'll run away. Slowly approach. Slowly give it food. The next day water. Earn it's trust. Then it'll come to you. That's what you need to do to your W.
Mr Bond this ^^^^^^^^^^^^2 things really help me understand whaat we are supposed to do. Especially because I love Rocky. Thank you
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
