Still in the marathon - did I miss a turn?

[ncl]

Good evening, JB. I'm glad you had a good Sunday with your son. Let's just call you Super Dad! The Belize mission trip sounds really exciting. Great things are in store for you, and I can't wait to see what all they are!

Regarding your thoughts on a R talk with your wife...most of the things you have stated as your reasons for wanting to reconcile, I'm guessing she already knows. I used to feel like I was constantly trying to make my case for my H; if I approached my reasons for wanting to save our marriage in a logical manner (down to including statistics regarding children from divorced homes and on the divorce rate for 2nd marriages, etc), surely he as a lawyer would appreciate that. Turned out that he was totally in the WAS state of mind, so it didn't matter how much sense my case made...it was lost on him (and just got on his nerves in the process).

If you feel like you are at the point where you need a R talk, then I would simply state that you love her and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage; however, if she wants a divorce you will respect her decision and do nothing to stop it. How can she argue with that? Maybe if you do present her with that, she will give you a better idea on where she stands with pursuing a D.

It's real easy for a WAS to talk about getting a new home and getting a divorce, but when it gets down to it, those things are really expensive. With regard to the potential of switching your son's school, I'd cross that bridge when (or rather IF) you get there. No sense arguing about something that isn't happening yet.

You are truly a #1 DB'er (and all around guy) in my book, JB. I suggest you continue praying for discernment and seek advice through other threads/DB'ers, a therapist (if you have one), a male role model in your church, etc. I am confident you will make the right decision on what to say and when to say it. If you feel like what you are doing now hasn't been working for you, then maybe it's time to shake your game plan up a little bit. If so, I know you will be very thoughtful and cautious about the right way to do that.

Love, hugs and prayers...and as always, many thanks for your support on my thread.
lc4

[jbnati]

The evening just got better. While I was inside just putting away some laundry, I looked out back and there a bunch of kids our in my backyard with my S. When it peaked, there were a grand total of 12 kids back there. Two other neighborhood Dads came over. So I had a little impromptu part in my backyard. It's something my W always dreamt of, but she wasn't here to enjoy it. Guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.

My S stayed outside until about 8:40. We still needed to have dinner and go to the grocery. He had a little bit of a late bedtime. Yikes!

[jbnati]

Most of what you have listed is variations on the same theme: D is wrong. I don't think you'll get many (if any) arguments here, but it ultimately doesn't matter. If your W wants one, she'll get one, and if you mention any of these reasons not to to her, you risk alienating her further. It's ok to say it's not what you want, but moralizing often has the opposite effect of what we want.

You raise some excellent points here. I have not arguments - I GOT nothin'. I was doing a brain dump, but you're they really are variations of the same thing.

I think your M list shows that you've grown and understand what has happened between the two of you. Please, keep up what you are doing here. You're one of the most inspirational people here; your GAL abilities will become that of legend! I have NO doubt that you will emerge from this ordeal a stronger, better person, and I think this will show through to your S also. He's in good hands right now!

Thanks for that LP. You're not doing too bad yourself.

I think the overall message here is to stay the course. Stick with my game plan.

[jbnati]

Thanks as always, lc4.

Regarding your thoughts on a R talk with your wife...most of the things you have stated as your reasons for wanting to reconcile, I'm guessing she already knows.

Shoot! I think you're right, lc4. I keep going back to this every once in awhile. It's like I'm trying to head off her thoughts of advancing the D process. I think the latest thought process was set off by here looking at a house for herself. I started preparing myself for her applying pressure to me to re-fi the house so she could cash out on the equity.

If you feel like you are at the point where you need a R talk, then I would simply state that you love her and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage; however, if she wants a divorce you will respect her decision and do nothing to stop it.

Well, the first part she probably already knows. The latter part is hard for me to say. However, if she really wants a D, there probably not much point trying to go head to head with a WAS who wants a D - it's not going to do anybody any good.

It's real easy for a WAS to talk about getting a new home and getting a divorce, but when it gets down to it, those things are really expensive. With regard to the potential of switching your son's school, I'd cross that bridge when (or rather IF) you get there. No sense arguing about something that isn't happening yet.

You've probably seen a pattern where my W says she's going to do something a little crazy and I start reacting to it, then two weeks she's looking at doing something entirely different. You'd think I'd learn. A little history - she has made several decisions over the years she's regretted. I've learned over the years, too, that I have to let her make some of those decisions and decide for herself whether or not they are good decisions. I'll have to say you're right, there IS no sense in arguing over something that's not imminent.

I think the underlying message, along with LP's is to stay the course for now. I think every once in awhile, I find myself wanting to make sure I am doing everything I possibly can to save my M. I think I'm doing a pretty decent job at saving myself.

Thanks as always, lc4.

[Valeska19]

So I had a little impromptu party in my backyard. It's something my W always dreamt of, but she wasn't here to enjoy it. Guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.

Yes it is. I guess it's bound to happen though. We are working on ourselves so I'm sure things that either our w wanted to do with us or wanted us to change about ourselves will happen.

It'll be interesting if it comes up in conversation.

Glad you had a great day with your S.

[realormakebeliev]

V, that is so true! My H is always commenting that I keep doing things he always wanted me to and why didn't I do that when we were married?

JB, that is so cool about your back yard party. Glad you had so much fun, sounds like you have 'the' house in your neighborhood!

Another thought on your sitch- I could be wrong, but as long as its been since she saw the L, I would have thought you would have received something by now (I'm basing this on my own experience talking to a lawyer, maybe others here can weigh in on that). I don't want to give you false hope, but it seems like she might be hesitating to 'pull the trigger'. Perhaps a sign that she is moving in a positive direction?

[Luckyclover]

Lol - yeah... that's the way the cookie crumbles indeed. So many things are going to happen in my life that H wishes he would have been around for.

[jbnati]

Yes it is. I guess it's bound to happen though. We are working on ourselves so I'm sure things that either our w wanted to do with us or wanted us to change about ourselves will happen.

It'll be interesting if it comes up in conversation.

Val, I think you're right. Things like these are bound to happen from time to time.

It will come up in conversation. I will bring it up. However, I need to be careful - as much as I want to rub it in, I think that is the exact wrong thing to do. I will just mention it in passing as something positive for our S, with the hopes that will bring a smile to her face.

JB, that is so cool about your back yard party. Glad you had so much fun, sounds like you have 'the' house in your neighborhood!

Well, at least it was last night. It just worked out that way. I can't really take any credit for it - it just happened. It was really nice for my S.

Another thought on your sitch- I could be wrong, but as long as its been since she saw the L, I would have thought you would have received something by now (I'm basing this on my own experience talking to a lawyer, maybe others here can weigh in on that). I don't want to give you false hope, but it seems like she might be hesitating to 'pull the trigger'. Perhaps a sign that she is moving in a positive direction?

TBH, I am trying really hard not to think too much about it. If it think too much about it, it'll start driving me crazy. I think there are a myriad of possibilities, and this is one of them. One thing that is a fact: she was very h3ll-bent on it earlier this year and that doesn't appear to be the case anymore. She really hasn't shown any concrete signs that she's changed her mind, though. If this what she focuses on a regular basis, then, that's an empty life. I'd rather have my life right now.

Lol - yeah... that's the way the cookie crumbles indeed. So many things are going to happen in my life that H wishes he would have been around for.

Lucky, yes - these kind of things will happen from time to time the more you focus on becoming the best possible you. Your H will miss out.

[MadeToSucceed]

jb,

Finally getting caught up on your thread. I got so wrapped up in my own this weekend I didn't have a chance to get over here. I know it's redundant but you really are the #1 GAL'er/DB'er I know. You're doing so much right...continue to go down that path.

With respect to your D list...it's funny because I can see what you're doing but I also know that's EXACTLY how I think. Basically, we want to be able to convey how wrong it is for US, the LBS.

The fact of the matter is our WAW's don't CARE how it is for us...at least right now. So every time we talk about how it's impacting us it feeds their rationalization of us being selfish, etc.

Your M list is great. Stick with the stuff you can change and stuff you know is about YOU. When we focus on the WAS we remove our power to impact things. They use it as fuel to say "he's blaming me for xyz but he forgets when he did xyz himself!" Your self realizations are great. Explore them more. What can you do (or have you already done) so that you'll never slip back into those same unloving patterns? You may not be able to tell your WAS now (or ever?) but at least you can analyze them for your own advancement. I've actually toyed with the idea of writing down some of my personal revelations in an email account and saving them as drafts with the hopes that one day maybe my W will want to discuss things with me and I'll have a point of reference of things I realize about myself. It's my hope that one day I can actually get some confirmations as to whether or not I'm on track with my thinking about things that my W was impacted by via my actions and/or things that she NEEDS for our M to be successful, for her to trust me, etc. My W has done the same thing as yours...told me she sees the changes in me BUT...

Now...as I said...I can give the advice all day...but if I could only find a way to take my own. LOL. Keep pressing on jb. You're doing wonderfully sir and continue to be an inspiration for me and many others.

Try listening to this song. It gives me comfort (and brings me to tears often but the good, holy kind ).

Let Go - DeWayne Woods

[Endeavour]

I also agree with LP, that the first part of that list "regarding D" is definitely not a good idea.

That said, I still think that one casual R talk is NOT going to be the nail in the coffin of the M or push your W to D, but you have to do what feels right for you, jb.

Looking back and from what H has shared, I realized that the things I said that actually got through were the things I said when I stopped being afraid of D, and when I stopped worrying that every little word was going to lead down that path. Yet, I never begged or pleaded or tried to convince.

I don't know, maybe my H is not the typical WAS but he said what helped build our emotional connection was to hear how much I realized that I valued marriage and commitment -- not neccesarily our M but just M in general and how when I shared what I learned that he realized he was attracted to my depth.

But that was right for me.

And you need to do what is right for you.

You're one of my favourite posters on this board and if I could wave a magic wand and put your M back together, I would do it. Because you deserve it. Your S deserves it. Even your W deserves it (even though I want to scream and at her and tell her to wake up!)

Have a wonderful day. ((()))