I was 18 when it happened. I worked at a bar with no career ambition. I had been out and proud for almost a year and was trying my first relationship with a girl (an unhealthy one but that's another story ).
My mom called and I couldn't believe it. I don't remember crying. Perhaps i did. However I'm not sure I really got the impact on our nation.. or on me. I never thought "What was I suppose take away from this experience or What could I learn from this experience?" I guess that would have been complicated thinking for an 18 yr old.
Now 10 days away from being almost 29 yrs of age, I'm just keep thinking about what if someone I cared about died tomorrow? Not people that I'm on good terms with, but people I struggle with. People who have done me wrong. People in which I associate anger and pain with. People who I associate with fear. So much fear that I can't move forward at times.
People like my w and my dad. What if they were gone for good?
I can argue that my feelings are valid and I can say "You hurt me.. so this justifies my actions". And of course my feelings are valid.. but I guess I am not convinced that they justify not forgiving or at least attempting to heal a relationship.
I'm sure some people that died that day were dealing with our issues. Infidelity, Anger, Abuse, Drugs, Pregnancy, etc. I'm sure there are also their survivors that were also dealing with those issues.
And I wonder.. if either person knew it was going to happen.. would they right their wrongs? I wonder if those feelings and that pain that survivors were going through 10 yrs ago even matter. That in the moment of realization of the loved one being gone, all those "feelings" were replaced by a greater one. If The feelings of anger and fear are now overshadowed by the loss or even the fond memories once shared?
Today I look at 9/11 and am saddened to see that even though we are aware of this possibility, many of us still make the CHOICE to not right our wrongs. We chose to leave the anger in our hearts therefore denying love to not only the people who wronged us, but to ourselves.
Why does it seem that death is one of the biggest motivators to change, yet we always assume it will happen later? We know from the minute we are born, we will die.. yet we still live by this statement "There will always be tomorrow".
I know when I first wrote about 9/11 on FB.. I thought "I wonder if my w will think that I wrote it so I could "tell" her to work on us, because we have all those feelings towards each other. That by writing it, I would be trying to take away her justifications to leaving our m and not talking to me.
I'm sure there is a part of me that is.. but I am taking away the justification for myself as well. It's not ok. It's not okay that I chose to be angry at someone rather than love them. It's not okay that I keep saying "I'll take care of that later".
So maybe after 10 years I finally learned what I needed to from 9/11. Now the challenge will be to live it.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
). 