Thanks, E and Telemark. I have been thinking about this a lot today. I think what I may end up doing is start working on what I want to tell her. I am just feeling the need to clear the air, if nothing else. I will probably start putting something together and share it with this message board before I discuss it with her. I also have a couple of DB coach sessions still outstanding.
I guess ultimately this could be a reverse bomb . She bombed me with D, and I could bomb her with R. Not completely the same, but the main similarity is it's unexpected.
There may be a triggering event (e.g. D draft settlement showing up, pressure to re-fi the house, etc.) before I initiate the convo.
Ended up watching a movie on Friday night. Rented Soul Surfer from Redbox. It was one of the better movies I've ssen in a long time. I really enjoyed it. It was very inspiring to me.
I didn't have my S early in the day, so I was GAL'ing by myself. I actually slept late again. I got up and went to the local coffee shop. I had forgotten the main street in town was closed due to a small festival. I took a book to the coffee shop, and took my coffee outside on the sidewalk, enjoyed my coffee, enjoyed the weather, read my book, and watched people at the festival. I brought my bike along with me so I hit the bike and burned off 18 miles. Came home and cut the grass.
After I had started cutting the grass, my W shows up with my S. I made a point to stop the lawnmower and just chat with her for a bit. Nice easy convo. She had taken my S to the aquarium earlier today. She shared a picutre with me from the aquarium. She hung out for about 20-25 minuates.
There was one observation today when I saw her. She happened to notice yesterday I was wearing a wristband. It's from VBS this summer and it says "Watch for God". I noticed today she was wearing a wristband of her own. (Copy-cat!! )
I went out with my S and flew his RC airplane with him. Eventually he hung out with some neighborhood kids and had a pretty good time before I went over and got him to go out for dinner. Watch some exciting NCAA football today, too.
My S and I went out to eat later on and then just came back home and hung out and played some Wii for a little over an hour.
Overall, it was a pretty good day. These kind of days make up for some of those rough ones I've and will invariably have in the future.
I've been thinking about you possibly bringing up the R... IMHO I do think it could be a 180, but maybe think about doing it when there isn't an outstanding issue like D papers, etc. If something like that happened first, I could see a R talk misconstrued as just reactionary.
Just a thought... btw, taking yet another cue from you and going to church this morning. Thank you.
jb, I see what realormakebeliev means about a R talk seeming reactionary, and that perhaps it should come before the D papers (if they even are coming).
I don't know, perhaps you could ask her for her LIST. (Don't forget to photocopy it though. Tee hee).
Anyway, just thinking out loud and not telling you what to do...But perhaps you could say that you've had a lot of time to thing about the break-down of your M, and so you were wondering what it is she would want in a better M, BUT preface this all by saying that you just want to be more aware so as to learn from your mistakes. That way she wouldn't know if the list was about her, or a future R. Less pressure that way perhaps. And you might be able to get a clue as to where her head is at...
Anyway, the lists are something H and I have talked about and apparently that darn thing really did make a difference to him, which is why he asked for it about a hundred and one times.
I could see a R talk misconstrued as just reactionary.
ROMB, you bring up a good point.
Originally Posted By: Endeavour
I don't know, perhaps you could ask her for her LIST.
E - one thing when she dropped bomb #2 that she told me up front was that I've made a lot of positive changes, she just didn't feel that emotional connection. (I was thinking in my head, "well DUH, you haven't spending any time with me because you've been so busy with your job) We did have a conversation back in April where I had asked her to tell me about some big mistakes I'd made in the past and what I could've done differently. I was looking to start with some minor things, but she brought the whole elephant parade. She brought up three things in the past that were major to her. I wrote her an apology letter for those things. That letter disappeared at some point - meaning evidently she read it. The biggest thing I got out of that conversation was that she's harboring a lot of thins from the past.
I am thinking there are two potentially different facets to the conversation I want to have. Here are some thoughts over where I am. (My W knows some of this already)
Regarding the D: - It is NOT the right decision for me. - It is the wrong decision for my family. - It is not the right moral decision. - I am not willing to turn my back on my W or my family. - IMO it's just not the right thing to do. - It doesn't "feel" right - On the spiritual level, it's not what God himself wants me to do. If I just lay down, that doesn't qualify for "Well done, good and faithful one." - I can't argue that it's LEGALLY right - the law supports someone who want to walk away from a marriage. I can't say it's illegal, can I?
Regarding the M: - I know I have made my share of mistakes in the M, I am truly sorry for them, and I'm more than willing to own up to them. - I haven't always loved my W throughout our M as I should. The MC after bomb #1 changed that completely. I not only look at my W differently now, but I also look at other people differently. - Before bomb #1 I was driven by committment, after bomb #1 I am driven by love. - Right now, I am loving someone who doesn't love me back. Has my acted in a way that she is easy to love? I would say absolutely not. - I would love nothing more than to D the old M, and move forward today. - My W is a unique person. There is NO ONE like her. I love her despite her quirks, imperfections, and insecurities. Also, she has very many fine qualities as well that make her easy to love.
Just some random thoughts on my mind today. Feel free to drive to the lumberyard and pick up some 2x4s or whatever.
Today has started pretty well. I'm taking the day off of exercise. Went to church this morning. We had a very moving service around 9/11.
I was a spot fill-in greeter today. As usual, got to talk to some of my newer friends. I got a lot of hugs.
It was my S's debut in the Student Ministry program. He was very apprehensive about it today. He really didn't want to go. I went down and visited him early on. He was actually having a good time! He reported at the end that he enjoyed it.
After church, we had a meeting on the Belize mission trip that I've signed up for. I'm just trying to figure out where I belong. I am starting to find my niche. I also got to meet even more new people. I'm getting excited about the trip! It's not until February, though.
After we left church, came home and I watched the 2nd quarter of the Bengals game. Then, my S and I headed to a sports bar to watch the 3rd quarter. That was kind of a mixed bag - it was a Sunday tradition my W and I had established. Came home and watched the 4th quarter, worked on laundry, and posted on this MB.
My S's out playing with some neighborhood kids right now. Brownie points for being over at Dad's house.
Regarding the D: - It is NOT the right decision for me. - It is the wrong decision for my family. - It is not the right moral decision. - I am not willing to turn my back on my W or my family. - IMO it's just not the right thing to do. - It doesn't "feel" right - On the spiritual level, it's not what God himself wants me to do. If I just lay down, that doesn't qualify for "Well done, good and faithful one." - I can't argue that it's LEGALLY right - the law supports someone who want to walk away from a marriage. I can't say it's illegal, can I?
jb, I wouldn't say you need a 2x4, but we'll keep the phone number for the lumberyard handy, just in case
Most of what you have listed is variations on the same theme: D is wrong. I don't think you'll get many (if any) arguments here, but it ultimately doesn't matter. If your W wants one, she'll get one, and if you mention any of these reasons not to to her, you risk alienating her further. It's ok to say it's not what you want, but moralizing often has the opposite effect of what we want.
I think your M list shows that you've grown and understand what has happened between the two of you. Please, keep up what you are doing here. You're one of the most inspirational people here; your GAL abilities will become that of legend! I have NO doubt that you will emerge from this ordeal a stronger, better person, and I think this will show through to your S also. He's in good hands right now!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
. She bombed me with D, and I could bomb her with R. 
Came home and cut the grass. 
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