Just a quick check in to let you know that you and your kids have been on my mind and heart. Love, prayers and hugs to you...lc4
Thanks, lc. I'm going to pop over to your thread after this...
Yesterday was hard, very hard. I didn't sleep again the night before because I couldn't stop crying. The images of the kid's faces on the night we all found out kept flashing through my mind.
By the evening, the rage kicked in. H and I were talking and he was giving me some of the "gory" details, and I lost it. All these months of being compassionate and understanding through his numerous bombs, and trying to keep it together for him, for the kids, and everything just bubbled to the surface.
I pushed him and smacked him hard on the back. Then, broke down sobbing. (I can't believe my life has turned into an episode of Springer. )
I told him I shouldn't have done it and he told me not to apologize, that I could not even come close to hurting him like he's hurt me. (He also said I'm not very strong and that it probably hurt me more than him. True. I have a bruise on my hand and he's fine).
But still.
(I don't know. Maybe I need meds because the anger hits me quickly and suddenly, when I least expect it.)
THEN ow called his office line and left a message:
Two days ago, you were begging me to wait for you. Please. This isn't fair. I waited for you for a year.
I asked him if it was true that he was "begging" her, and he said absolutely not.
The craziness of the last 5 months is starting to become clearer as he continues to share more of his thought process during that time...
He said he hasn't seen ow since I gave him the letter giving him an out on August 19th. He wanted the A to end, even before the letter, and tried to break up with her many times, but she kept threatening him. (We were getting a lot of hang up calls this summer from a blocked number but I thought it was telemarketers. Now it all makes sense).
So he continued to text her and make excuses as to why they couldn't meet, and she kept asking why he seemed different, and he made more excuses.
He had started reading about affairs and the "fog", and that's when he it hit him that the R with her wasn't real, and that he didn't want that R no matter what happened with us.
He said ow was the one begging him to move out because originally he told her he would be out in the Spring, and then never followed through. Then he said the summer...
He couldn't bring himself to move out, even after the first bomb.
As the summer started coming to an end without him moving out, ow really started to come undone.
He was certain our M would be destroyed by her call.
THEN during one of our R talks, he asked me why some of things I was saying seemed so different. I told him while searching for a D support group, I came across a forum on saving marriages. And that what I had read made me realize a lot about us, about myself, and that I wanted to be a better, more forgiving person. That I had read stories of people who had stood for their marriages during and after affairs, or even after their spouse had left and filed for D.
Unbeknownst to me after this R talk, he did a Google search and found the DB forum. He said he never read my stich as there were so many BUT...
that's when he began to think that maybe just maybe with what I had learned, that I would change my mind about an A being a deal breaker, and I'd give our M another chance.
And he was going to counselling to decide how, or if to tell me about the A.
So he said he knows I have no reason to believe him, but there is NO way he was begging her to wait. Because he was not moving out ever (unless I wanted him to).
He said after everything he has read and learned (especially that NUTS book), that he could never ever have an A again, nor would he want to. And after seeing the looks on the faces of me and the kids the night she called, that he could NEVER again look at ow or talk to her again without feeling utter disgust with her and himself. He said he is done living without integrity.
He did tell ow in the past that I would leave him if I found out about the A so I believe she's probably bidding her time, hoping I will ask him to leave.
)
He said he never read my stich as there were so many BUT... 
He said he is done living without integrity.
