Yes, I think I know what I'm doing in bed. I've read countless books on it, seen videos, and even talked to other women for frank advice. The only problem is my wife strictly does not let me touch her breasts or her groin area, ever. She explained long ago that it had to do with messages about "you shouldn't ever let a boy touch you in those places". She's been to therapy about these issues, but she never got over it. For one thing, she doesn't really see that it's necessary, as she used to be comfortable with intercourse, allowing only one part of my anatomy to touch her "down there", and only for intercourse. Of course, she hasn't allowed intercourse in 15 years either.
She likes back massages, but none of them (100's) has ever led to anything else. Not that it should, and not that I've pressured her to have it lead to something else. But you'd think that at least once, the intimacy of it should lead to at least sexual foreplay, or more comfort with permitting it.
As for other women, I met my wife in college, and we married right after. So yes, in high school things were pretty conservative for me and I never got beyond "polite" dating. Same for my wife. We were both studious nerds with limited social lives, in contrast to our pot-smoking free-love friends of the time. And some of my female friends in high school complained about how the guys they went out on dates tried to "feel them up". Well, gee, I thought, I'll try to avoid that sort of thing when I start dating. Little did I know at the time that the girls who loved getting "felt up" by their boyfriends just happily kept their mouths shut. And so I got the wrong message.
What triggered the realization that I could have had a different kind of sexual relationship? It all started coming together for me when I started researching our issues (before we went to any therapy) and I saw a reliable survey (Chicago sex survey from the 90's) statistic which said that most women usually have orgasms with their partner. I was shocked. After all the late night comedy jokes about women always having headaches to avoid sex, and my wife's AGREEMENT with those jokes, I was lulled into a complacent belief that orgasms for women were probably just fleeting, hard-to-obtain events which normally didn't occur. I had assumed my wife was pretty normal in this regard.
And all those magazine covers for women, promising new sure-fire ways to achieve amazing orgasms? I dismissed it all as sensational hype. I didn't know any better. And being an ace student and going to a top college didn't disabuse me my mistaken notion because female orgasm is not required knowledge for any class or entrance exam. :-D
I've tried talking to my wife about this many times, but she's sick of me bringing up the topic. She says it makes her feel so guilty and inadequate. And she quit sex therapy and didn't want to continue. She said it was too stressful. There was an instance of sexual abuse in her early childhood, and this may be playing a role.
So now that she knows that I know it upsets her to bring up the topic, she knows that if I bring it up, I must WANT to make her upset. That's the way she sees it.
I've done everything she's asked for in bed. She hasn't asked for much. I wish she'd ask for more. I've offered to do more and she's not interested. I've offered to get her toys, but she's not interested. The first time I suggested it, she was disgusted, like it's only for porn actors and perverts. Funny thing, she didn't have a problem going to porn movies when we first met in college. In fact, she even suggested going to a few back then. I think she was in a phase of doing it because it was "cool". But now she's the complete opposite. Talk about bait and switch!
Have intercourse again? How? She hasn't permitted it in 15 years. I can just see the look on her face if I suggest that maybe it's another position she would like to try!
See another sex therapist? I've suggested it many times. Not happening.
And what does "H goes ALASKAN 05-07" mean? I can guess, but I don't understand the reference.
