The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

[LearningPatience]

Made it through most of my busy week, and it's still busy until I hop in the car tomorrow!

Spent evenings with S12 last couple of days (S15 was at grandparents). Nice to have one-on-one time!

Went to his middle school open house and it was a crowded madhouse. Friend I mentioned above (sharing revenge fantasies) has kids in the same district; her D is in S12s grade. She texted afterward that they were going to an ice cream place and would we like to join them. I replied that W was already taking us there and friend laughed.

Picked up S15 and went to ice cream place. Met W there, ordered and we sat there talking about Lost and literature for a while. W was pretty pleasant, but I focused more on S15, as we were there for belated birthday for him. Friend texted after we left asking if we had a nice family time. Honestly, it did feel very family like, really no awkwardness on my part anyhow. W did seem to want to draw out our convo at our cars but I cut it short to take boys home.

W didn't realize I was leaving tomorrow (she assumed Friday for whatever reason), so she was trying to find a time to bring some things for me to take to SD. I'm really busy tonight (running, guitar lesson, packing and maybe laundry) but I found a time that would work. I realized that W hasn't been to my apt since I first moved in 6 months ago. The things W will drop off could easily be mailed. W even said that herself. I'll just assume (with my swollen ego:) that it's just a ploy to come visit me

We'll have to see how much I post in the next week. Probably not much, but I might miss all of you. If I do...

[jbnati]

I'll just assume (with my swollen ego:) that it's just a ploy to come visit me

Nah, we have the freedom to choose a negative spin in a situation or a positive. You are exercising your freedom to choose a positive spin. I would say you made a good choice.

We'll have to see how much I post in the next week. Probably not much, but I might miss all of you. If I do...

]
GAL'ing on steroids. I love it. Have a great time and stay out of trouble. We'll miss you as well.

[LearningPatience]

Well, I've been away for a week visiting SIL and SD and I see that there have been hundreds of postings since then. Way too much to read, I need someone to provide an executive summary: any Ds, any Rs, anything interesting or exciting?

I had a wonderful visit! Got some good runs in at 5500 feet (Aurora has a nice trail system), went to Taste of Denver with SIL and her S2 and essentially hung out with them (and her S8) for three days.

Before this trip, I wasn't very close to SIL, as I only see her once a year when she visits the rest of the family. It was like we had an instant bonding while I was there. She's a lot like her sister (my W) and we talked about her a lot (both SIL and I would bring up topics). None of it was uncomfortable or emotional, almost like discussing a common friend.

Went to visit SD (with SIL and kids) on the other side of the Rockies for a day. SD asked how her mom was. "I dunno" I said, "You probably talk to her more than me." W doesn't talk too much to SD either I guess, or at least nothing too personal about herself. I found it funny that one of the first things SD said was that she was acting like the adult and her mom like the teenager. Had a great, but short, visit and went back the next day.

I listened to the KLA mp3s on the drive back home. It was good, but I don't know if listening to R advice in the middle of nowhere Nebraska was a good idea. Made me actually 'think' about my W and what I want my R with her to be. I really don't know and between that, and an unexpected detour due to Missouri River flooding, I was grouchy and frustrated by the end of the day. At least I was conscious of this, so I knew once I ate, got a room and relaxed I'd be alright. I ended up having a great night; spent a few hours at a sports bar talking with a cute bartender and another waitress. It felt great that they came back to talk to me in between their customers. Went to bed with a very nice ego boost.

I haven't spoken or even emailed/texted W since our ice cream outing nine days ago. We have a MC appointment tonight, have no idea what we will talk about.

I think having the great interactions with SIL and flirting with the bartender is making me realize what I am missing in terms of female companionship. The question I have for myself is how much longer I want to (or will) go before either W and I regain that or I throw in the towel and assume it will come from somewhere else.

[LearningPatience]

I think I had a delayed reaction to MC last night. It was a hard session, but I don't think I realized that until after.

MC had met with each of us separately and last night was first meeting since. We went over our general positions (I'm leaning to R, W leaning to D) and the hurt we both felt. I don't want to say MC took sides, but I think I was more forthcoming, W was more indirect, we are both confused and I think MC had to work more with W to get her to 'see' things. I think MC might have seen that I've been trying to work on things; she did call out W on a couple of statements she made.

MC realizes we have this odd dynamic between ourselves, friends and family. For lack of better term she calls it 'incestuous'. I explicitly stated I was not willing to give up her family (they've been more family like to me than my own family ever was) and they've stated that no matter what, I'm still family with them. They love W, but aren't happy at all with the choices she is making. At one point, MC was talking to us like we should have a 'custody plan' with her family. We both kind of hesitated at that one.

MC asked about our interactions together, especially with family. W admitted she avoids going places, including her parents house, if she thinks I'll be there. Soon after, MC asked us (W especially) if we could ever see going to her parents house, her with OM, me with whomever I'm with, and interacting there. W gave a non-committal answer like she couldn't see being with him that long that it would ever come to that.

W looked beaten and down. She admitted all she has is OM and another couple as friends. She mentioned that when we first S, she was scared to be alone, but now... I had to remind her that she has never been alone, she was with OM the whole time. She had nothing to say about that.

MC brought up John Gottman's four horsemen of relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. That was definitely us. I decided to buy one of his books last night to learn more about this. Why not, I've read almost everything else.

Our homework assignment is to have a half-hour coffee 'date' this week, just to hang out and talk.

MC said she saw the care and concern I had for W. I don't think it is in a pursuing way (but who knows), more of an unconditional love type of concern. After we left and walked to our cars, I reminded W that I hope she finds happiness and gave her a light hug. I told her she didn't need to be a stranger and that she could text or call. I'm going to resist doing those things myself, as I do not want to pursue. However, I want her to know it is safe to try to reach out to me.

Obviously more was said and discussed, but it's all a swirl in my brain now (and if you've read this far, congrats!) I was upbeat and humourous during the session, but it really hit me afterward and I've been in a funk since. Not entirely sure how I am feeling right now.

[jbnati]

LP, I read through the whole thing. It sounds like you have some things to think about. However, it sounds to me like your W has a WHOLE LOT of things to think about. Hopefully your W will be able and willing to make some changes. If she doesn't make some changes, she will never find happiness. Hopefully she heard some of that - I don't think it's what she wanted to hear.

One thing I read into it is you gave yourself a homework assignment in addition to the MC assignment. (Getting the Gottman book).

Get your GAL'ing machine cranked up again. You are doing a fantastic job with it.

[LearningPatience]

LP, I read through the whole thing. It sounds like you have some things to think about. However, it sounds to me like your W has a WHOLE LOT of things to think about. Hopefully your W will be able and willing to make some changes. If she doesn't make some changes, she will never find happiness. Hopefully she heard some of that - I don't think it's what she wanted to hear.

No, she probably doesn't want to hear that. It's funny, W has been seeing an IC now for a few years, but I have no idea what they talk about or if it's even helping her. I used to worry that W, by following these patterns she always has, would end up alone and unhappy. I'm still concerned, but realize this is her fight and I can do nothing but be supportive.

W has said many times she doesn't know if she can regain the feelings she had for me. This is complete mind reading, but I suspect she says that more to convince herself than to convince anyone else. I think she knows that it would be difficult to R, and that she's done a lot of hurtful things. I think she thinks it's easier to start new with someone else than do the work necessary to keep a R going.

One thing I read into it is you gave yourself a homework assignment in addition to the MC assignment. (Getting the Gottman book).

I did. Started reading it this morning. I've got to the part where Dr Gottman is talking about deep friendship as the basis to a happy marriage. MC is also talking about W and I rekindling our friendship. Coincidence... ?

Get your GAL'ing machine cranked up again. You are doing a fantastic job with it.

Thanks. This weekend might be a little rough. Start of football season, and W and I had a ritual where we'd sit on the couch, watch a game or two, have a beer or three and she'd fall asleep on my lap. Great lazy Sunday relaxation.

[LearningPatience]

First half of the weekend has been great! Ran 7 miles (tapering down to 1/2 marathon next week) and had my boys the rest of the day. Walked to burger/beer joint with them for lunch and watched local college team (no one you've ever heard of:). Volunteered at Humane Society for an hour. Came back home, played games with the boys, discussed literature (kids are wicked smart) and discussed our favourite internet memes (I fell in love with Nyan Cat:)

W texted as we were leaving HS to set up our 'date'. Funny thing is that part of me didn't really want to do it, but we're getting together at her house at 10:30. Spoke on the phone with MIL for a while after that to discuss when we could get together. Decided on Wednesday eve. I look forward to that more than today's date. Odd I know.

I've read most of the Gottman book. It's a book like 5 Love Languages that I wish I'd have read years ago. Oh well, it'll help with whatever R I have next, W or not.

Both W and I have things to do today. I have no idea what hers are, but she said she had something at noon. Me, I have stuff to take care of around the apt, some shopping and somehow have to fit in time to watch some football. Big question is which sports bar (I don't have cable and my antenna sukcs). Life is tough

[LearningPatience]

Well, I'll never claim to have an uninteresting life...

W and I met at her house for our coffee date. I teased her about not having any coffee for me; she reminded me I took the coffee maker. Touche. We sat in the back yard making very small talk until W mentioned that MC said we were supposed to talk about what we wanted. W can't handle the limbo anymore. I validated all the things she is going through (essentially MLC). I really do get where she is coming from and told her. She is impressed that I've been able to grow so much through our ordeals. Told her she'd get there too.

Without using the exact words, she does NOT want me out of her life. She wants to heal herself and I agreed with her. Told her that the way I used to be, it would have been a disaster to R and that until she's ready, it's the same for her. She agreed. One thing she said that struck me, "maybe in a year we could get married again." I had mentioned in passing the Gottman book I am reading, and W asked if she could borrow it. I guess I'll share.

We talked about a lot of other things going on in our lives. I strongly suspect she missed having these deep friendly convos based on a couple of her comments. W also seemed to miss just talking and/or doing things with me.

Asked her for my key back. She hesitated... turned out she liked the key chain, didn't care if I had the key We're supposed to arrange for me to pick things up from the house to move to my apt. Told her I didn't want to do it all at once; too much to do and she agreed. Don't know if it's better doing it by the carload, we'll see.

W went off to talk to a MF who just broke up with his fiance. I tried to go clothes shopping, but failed miserably (I'm down to 29" waist, unheard of here in MI). Parked car at home and went to sports bar to watch Lions (never thought I'd type that). Once there, I sent the following text, knowing I had nothing to lose:

Note: NOT DBing MATERIAL

M: We could always settle for being friends with benefits :-)
W: :))
a little later
M: If you are up to it, I'm at (sports bar). Pretty dead here.
W: How are the lions doing? How long are you staying?
M: Down 10-6, just ordered food, so at least to the half
a little later
W: still want company
M: Yeah, that would be nice
W: On my way

Had a couple of beers and snack and I think we talked more than watched the game. Pleasant just to hang out.

We each left after the game. Walked her to the garage and we had a big hug. Went off and took care of some errands and here I am now.

I am *convinced* that we are not done, D or not. I may be delusional, but they're my delusions and I think they're pretty good.

[~¤DG¤~]

I agree. You are not done.
Tread carefully.....

[jbnati]

LP, sounds like a positive interaction. I think you were not looking forward to it because you were concerned of how it was going to go. It looks like you didn't have anything to worry about.

I agree with DG completely. You're not done - tread carefully...