I understand that my goal is to get to the place where I don't feel things like anger or depression, but I'm also of the mind that I NEED to feel these things right now. I spent the first two months of this trying everything in my power to convince myself that this thing with OM wouldn't last and that my W would ultimately come back to me in the end. Hope was the only thing driving me. At that time, I was too traumatized to even consider the notion that this might just be the end.
In a lot of ways, that hope was a kind of life-ring that I could cling to so that I didn't get emotionally destroyed. Something I could focus on so that I didn't go insane or implode with depression... But now I have to let go of that ring. She might not end up with OM (in fact, the chances of that seem more unlikely than ever), but she might also leave me for good in the end. The grieving process has begun for me. Once that process is over, I imagine I'll be readier to get out and GAL like a bull. Right now, the GAL-ing comes in waves...
As to your final question, I just want to spend this time trying to be as happy and fulfilled as possible on my own. Once I totally detach from my W and whatever rollercoaster she's on, I feel that I'll be freer to really look at what I want out of life. To see WHO I AM, IN AND OF MYSELF...to even be FULFILLED by myself, no one else required... I am not yet there. I am nowhere close to that...but it is my goal to ultimately make it there.
I also want to spend this time really looking at the mistakes I've made in the past, learning from them, then shaping my future behavior accordingly. A lot of times during our R, I would just try to forget about those mistakes or spend insane amounts of energy trying to defend/minimize them... Now I'm in a place where I can reconcile those poor choices and make better ones.
