I'm in shock, found out he has pursued OW, help

[aeolianchaos]

The more i see that i MUST let go, the pain takes over and im pulled under.

Suppose you were to reframe this: You aren't letting go of him. You are letting go of your emotional enmeshment to him.

You are letting go of letting the person who is pursuing OW be such a huge factor in your emotional well being.

You are letting go of letting him hurt you.

It sounds like you are struggling with your desires for this not to be happening. Although it would be nice, it seems like these desires (or the shift back to reality) leads you to experience further pain.

I understand that you want to smile, laugh, be happy. What else can you describe that might define who you are and the life that you want to lead?

Detachment works by starting to focus only on me and my d? I guess i will fake it till it happens.

Only focusing on you and your D is a very good idea.

Detachment works by accepting that your emotional well-being always really lies inside of you.

"Happiness is always an inside job" as they like to say.

You are hurting right now. Totally normal. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't fight that pain. If you can start to look at it as an opportunity for growth and development, you may be able to not only become intimately familiar with it - you may realize that whatever the pain is, you are tolerating it already and that you can start to make decisions without fear of it being the major motivator.