I'm in shock, found out he has pursued OW, help

[aeolianchaos]

Ctflor,

1. My dad walked out on me and my mom when i was d's age (7) as a child i waited and cried for him to come home every day and one day just gave up.

2. My own mom after her divorce went on to date the most unreliable and abusive men as i was growing up. There was no stability

3. I married right out of high school, and in that 11 year marriage he cheated on me behind my back until i caught him.

4. My 2nd marriage ended up falling apart once he started hitting me about two years in.

5. Then i met my current h online. We communicated for two years until we met. He treated me so good for many years...and when we lost our home in ca and moved to be near his family...this is where the slow downward spiral began i think because we have not really been happy here, yet he is too afraid to move back. With both of us depressed and unhappy...the break between us happened somewhere.

It sounds like you are describing a pattern of experiences in which you feel like you had negative or disappointing interactions with men in relation to either you or your mother. I can see how its possible those are affecting the way you approach your current relationship.

Do you feel like these experiences have in some way shaped the way you perceive relationships and more importantly, the way you perceive yourself and your role as a co-constructor of the relationship?

In speaking to your feelings of being a failure, I wonder why you are willing to let your husband's behavior be the thing that judges who you are?

Perhaps taking some time to really work on defining who you are, and the kind of relationship you want to be in, is in order.

As far as item #5 goes -- it's possible your H could have ended up in the same place no matter where you moved, if thats where his thinking, beliefs, and assumptions were to take him. Of course stress can play a huge role in what people do and what people think. Depression can make it very difficult for people to see all of their options and possibilities, even when cognitively they KNOW there are things they could do.

Yes, Divorce can potentially mess with a kid's head. This is pretty much accepted. But so does cancer, suicide, fire, drug abuse.. etc.. Children possess tremendous resilience and ability to adapt. Your daughter is just beginning to gain concrete reasoning skills and is still constructing the world around her in her head. The more you can help her see, in her language, your resilience and your self-definition/presence, the better. Raised by an awesome mom, she may well thrive.