MLC-Separating-need hwlp with my response

[back56]

B and 25,

I think I am convinced that nothing I do will bring my MLC H home any sooner, but I feel fairly certain that what I choose to do or not do can keep him away longer.

That being said, I know these changes are for me, and not to manipulate him.

Last night I read the chapter on Pursuit and Distancing Between Partners in the Deluca book, The Solo Partner. I had no idea until reading it,that I have been a serial pursuer, and my H a textbook distancer. We established this "dance" while courting 28 years ago, and are now in the full blown effects from this pull and tug kind of relationship. Throw in a MLC and health issues for H and kids leaving home, and I guess it is no surprise I am posting on this board in need of your help. Gosh do any relationships just kind of evolve in healthy and nurturing ways? This chapter of this book is very very good and I highly recommend it for anyone needing a better understanding of why pursuing does not work. For me, it switched on a light in my muddled mind. I have a long standing pattern of relating to my husband that enabled him to be very successful at distancing.

At first glance, I thought, wow, I can give up pursuing and all the work associated with it, and that will feel really good. (Then I realized all the secondary gains that come with being a pursuer) But really in giving up pursuing, you are giving up a deception that has kept you going (in my instance for a long time) and is grounded in a false belief that pursuing him will bring me love and acceptance and emotional well being. When in fact, it does the opposite.

I know this has been said in several different ways on this board, but Deluca says, "If a pursuer actually does ""lose"" her partner, this can't be seen as a true loss since she did not ""have"" him to begin with......"

I've heard you say that 25.

I'll be brief, but my engagement story is the classic example of this dance.

H and I dated for three years. I was 25-28. First year we were in different cities, then we decided to “see how things worked” for us and I like a good pursuer, moved from Michigan to Indiana. We did not move in together. I set up my own place. Life continued on, we spent a lot of time together camping, biking, going to the theatre and symphony…..all fun. Visited my parents home on Lake Michigan in the summer, sailed had a blast etc etc.



We had an opportunity to do a six week trip to Nepal to trek in the Himalayas. Had a blast, lots of interesting experiences. We traveled well together.



After coming home from that trip, another 6 months or so passed, marriage talks began. I remembered H did not seem too interested. I let it go for awhile. When I brought it up he would say, “I don’t see the need to get married.” I said I wanted children etc. He seemed a little indifferent about that. (distancer behavior) Said his life was fulfilled without kids. (so weird now, because he truly adores our boys)



At any rate, in Nov of 86 I give H and ultimatum. Told him it was time to call it quits,I was preparing to go into a rigorous training program for a new job with Merck Pharmaceuticals, and had to be in Chicago for 8 weeks and then on to the home office in Philly for another month. I thought it was a good time to make the break as I would not have to be around him. So I said, we are either going forward with marriage or let’s call it a day.

He did not have an answer for me, so I left for Chicago. ( stoped pursuing) Within a week he knocked on my hotel door unannounced and said, I think we should “do it”. I said do what? he said you know do it. (never did he say get married). He said let’s spend the weekend looking at rings in Chicago Which we did. By Christmas that year he purchased a diamond from Israel and had a ring made for me and had it hanging as an ornament on my parents Christmas tree and I had to find it after reading a note telling me it was hidden on the tree. He only came forward toward me when I backed off entirely.

It was the start of the dance........

Back56

[Walking]

Hey Back

Great stuff in there on identifying the pursuer-distancer dynamic. I think that's one of the most important things for you to understand and really gets to the nub of the philosphy behind GAL in DBing. DBing is about behaviours - I can see you like to know "why?".

On the job issue - I have a slightly different take. If you want to change your job, because you want more of a challenge, or to shake up your career - then you should absolutely do it. BUT if you want a new job simply as a tactic to demonstrate your 180s be very careful.

I'm a bit unbalanced in the career part of my life (I say work is my hobby!!), but my work and my ability to shine in it while my personal life was in turmoil was a really important part of my healing. I did change jobs - hell, I changed careers and it was absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me - but I did it because changing careers was something I'd been putting off because I worried that such big changes would affect our family when we were together.

You say you love your job and your reason that you might want to change was so that you would have to travel less and be more available for your son.

Two things

1. If you LOVE your job, make sure any other job you consider you will LOVE just as much or more

2. Your son is growing up - and his dad is 10 mins away. You being away for a few days a month may end up being good for you - and for them - as you become a little more mysterious and get on with what has to be done.

Back - you are doing so well. I love how you have already made yourself the project and you are learning and understanding things that you've never had to consider before. Keep at it girl - you're a gem.

V

[25yearsmlc]

Back,

good insights. I'm not as big on all the history, usually, b/c I think it bogs us down in

WHY??? and asking that will not yield us a lot of useful info, imo. Keeps us from facing the crucial question of "What To Do NOW?"

But in your sitch, it directly relates to your whole dynamic. So it's probably helpful.

Also, I think there are a few "tricks" that wake some MLCers up.

But like you, I believe

this site is more valuable as a place telling people what NOT to do to make things worse.

But I still want to hear something about the GAL and the job interview...

and how you feel about it.

I didn't think you were talking about the new job as a 180 for your h to notice

(although he will. He wont' run home b/c of it, but it may start a pattern of him seeing you in a different, less frickin' predictable, light)

I thought the new job was more about you wanting to

1) help with your youngest at home; though it's true that he will only be there one more year...

2) as a way to maybe shake up your life and push your comfort zone??

Are there any reasons Other than less travel, to take the new job?

(& Are they hiring HERE?? )


How are your GAL things going?

Can you do ONE activity or join ONE group/club OR

sign up for ONE class/seminar, and make that happen this week?

(Oh btw, the answer is "25, of course I can!" )

Keep on keeping on...

[back56]

25,

I agree with you about not focusing too much on history and past. I don't want to opereate in or from the past, but NOW in the present and looking to the future.

Regarding job:

first and foremost reason for new job is to not have to travel this year. travel does not feel good to me right now, as I want the most stable, predictable, reliable home environment for son as possible for this last year. He is facing enough unkowns right now looking at college placement etc. He has been hit hard by this separation. I also thought it would be a good 180 to explore the new job on my own without input from H and to reinforce to myself that I remain an independent person capable of big life changes when desired or needed. So it was a combination. This potential job is with a hospice company and I am passionate about this service, so that is another incentive.

That being said, while the interview yesterday went well, I am not sure this is the job for me. I was underwhelmed with the person I would be reporting to........was 20 minutes late in meeting with me, took 3 phone calls during the interview and came off very negative in her demeanor. I will continue on with the process for awhile to see if I get a different impression as I talk with a few more people. The other big thing from the interview yesterday is that they are looking for someone who can come in and sort out some dysfunction in the team I would be working with and I don't think I am up for that right now.

If I stay with my currnet job, that I like very much, and have to do the travel, H can come here to stay with S, when I am out of town. I don't think S would stay at H place right now at least. Do any of you see any up or down side to H coming here to stay with Noah while I am away? I would be interested in your thoughts. H is very reliable and an excellent dad, except for now loving their mom right now, but he is a good dad. The down side for me, is I hate the thought of "arranging" coverage for S. May be just my own pyschological hang up......will have to explore more. I think part of it is, I don't want to have to rely on H for ANYTHING right now. I am so disgusted with him, I want nothing to do with him.

Yes, 25.........I am working on the GAL. I have not joined any new clubs yet, but I am exploring my options. I am very interested in getting involved in some new and different things, and I get how that is good energy, gives me confidence, creates interest etc, but I want to pick the right things to do that I think bring value to my life in some way. I hate wasting time. I will get there I promise.

You refer to "tricks" that wake up MLCers. Can you share with me? Keeping in mind I am dark and can't pursue.

For anyone out there......how the heck does one "piece" with a distancer? Deluca's book does an excellent job with specificity for how to stop pursuing , why it doesn't work, etc, but he kind of stops at that, what happens if I stop pursuing, H comes inching back toward me, (which according to Deluca he will do if there is still some level of care for me, and he won't if there never was any care or if it is gone)

Maybe I am getting ahead of myself here. I know I have my hands full with the no pursuit plan for now, although I have to say, it feels a little freeing to me. I feel a little sense of relief at just letting go of him. If he is not attracted to me right now, or not into me, it feels better not to have to see him all of the time. Takes away the reminder.

H out of town for work conference this weekend and I am happy about that. I don't even know why it makes me happy.

You all need to hold me to a new physical fitness plan. I want to lose 15lbs. I am not horribly over weight, but losing 15 would be a good thing.

Thanks all,

~back

[25yearsmlc]

Back

I'll send more later but your question about "piecing" with a distancer is irrelevant now.

You are newly separated and the focus NOW has to be GAL/180s and DBing...

without him around much. But you will have contact with him so you know the changes you make will be noticed.

Hope that's not a 2 x4 but a "course correction" for you.

ttys!

[adinva]

Just want to say hi. I'm brand new to this, but what happened to me is a lot like what happened to you. Distancer/pursuer totally, from the beginning. Just got the bomb at the beginning of this summer, and just discovered these forums. H wants to be the good guy, everyone happily go on with us being great friends. Only we're still brand new to this so he hasn't moved out, and I have imagined that as being the same punch in the gut that you described. I cannot believe it could happen. But he acts completely irrationally so why not. I don't have any good advice for you, just see you as a kindred spirit and hope for the best for you. I'm sorry too this has hurt your boys. As a mom I know you try to prevent anyone from hurting your kids, and then you find their own dad doing it. Awful. I'll be thinking of you.
Adinva

[back56]

25,

Course correction received and will adjust. Thanks.

Back

[Cadet]

For anyone out there......how the heck does one "piece" with a distancer? Deluca's book does an excellent job with specificity for how to stop pursuing , why it doesn't work, etc, but he kind of stops at that, what happens if I stop pursuing, H comes inching back toward me, (which according to Deluca he will do if there is still some level of care for me, and he won't if there never was any care or if it is gone)

Although I love the SOLO PARTNER book, let me emphasize that it is a relationship book.
Not an MLC book.

While he is in MLC you are not in a relationship.
Your relationship is DEAD during this time.
Before it starts or after it finishes is a different story.

So the things this book says, while I totally agree with them, will not create the results that you are EXPECTING, until after the crisis is over.

This is why 25 is giving you the advice for a course correction.

The most confusion from an MLC'er is at the beginning and end of the tunnel.
When they can still see some of the light.
That is when this book will have the most chance of working.
When they are deep in the tunnel with no light surrounding them it is more likely to look like that they don't care.

That is not something that you really know for sure.
You can only trust in the MLC process.
MLC takes TIME.

Hope that helps.

[back56]

Cadet,

Thank you and yes this makes sense. I was struggling with where the MLC fits into Deluca's overall message, so thanks for the clarification. There is a lot to take in and process, and for me at least, all new uncharted territory. Will put the Solo Partner on the shelf for awhile.

I don't really know where my H is in the process of the MLC. I have read about the stages, but I can't figure out from the description where he is. It also seems from what I read on the board, that it should not matter to me where he is and I should not spend my time and energy thinking about it. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Have taken some steps with my GAL. I am on day two of a new eating plan for weight loss. I am doing this with a good friend and we are holding each other accountable. Today we biked for an hour and tomorrow we head to the pool.

I am organizing a group of fun women friends for a two table euchre card game next weekend. Today am organizing a group of friends for a picnic on the beach. I do have a core group of wonderful friends around me, for which I am grateful. H does not have this support in place. He has one friend that he socializes with a little bit. I have been told to expect him to start dating. It's hard for me to picture, knowing his energy level and low tolerance for anything requiring compromise or collaboration, but time will tell. I also don't see him as having much self confidence right now.

I feel like I have a lot of confidence and strength. But I do feel sad quite a bit of the time. I miss him when he was a good partner. I don't miss him the way he is now. In fact not at all. It feels better not to be around him, because it felt like constant rejection. That is a distinct relief for me with this separation.

I look forward to my transformation in the next weeks and months ahead. I look forward to being able to post how I am different and how I have changed and how people will take notice of the new me.

I am ready for change.

Back56

[Cadet]

I don't really know where my H is in the process of the MLC. I have read about the stages, but I can't figure out from the description where he is. It also seems from what I read on the board, that it should not matter to me where he is and I should not spend my time and energy thinking about it. Please correct me if I am wrong.

As far a putting the book away, thats ok but you should start to practice what it says, now with or without husband. Deluca breaks down pursuit and distance to so many different traits, that you can 180, and being a pursurer or a distancer is not so simple as I am a pursuer or I am a distancer. Everyone is both but in different traits.
Re-read that section again, it has helped me a lot.

Now as far as stages goes.
In my first post to you I said that he is likely in replay.
I will stick by that assertion, anything under 2-3 years post BD is more than likely replay.
MLC'ers can go through different stages and still be in ESCAPE and AVOID mode.
So the advice to not worry about it is good.
Keep your EXPECTATIONS at zero.

There is a poster here named "Wonka" who went through her own MLC.
She dropped the bomb during withdrawal stage.
She describes it in some of her posts.
10 months post BD she started to come out of her crisis.
But it was too late and her partner had moved on.

So your advice to yourself above about not spending your time and effort on it, is good.

Listen to 25 she has given you good advice.