I'm in shock, found out he has pursued OW, help

[aeolianchaos]

I feel a sense of desperation to start doing everything right. Look, talk, act the way he woulf find pleasing. Do anything thar would make him happy or love me again.

Ctflor,

I want to respond to your earlier response, but this stood out to me as a problematic stance to be in.

You can't walk on eggshells and remain in a satisfying loving relationship for life.

Perhaps yes, the answer right now may be to pull back. Not to get him to pull forward, but to disentangle your emotions from his responses and behaviors.

Start to just look at yourself and who YOU would love. Who would YOU find pleasing? What do YOU want to do in YOUR time on this earth?

Yes, you've defined at least one part of yourself -- you want to be in a committed monogamous relationship. I don't think that is really in question here.

What about everything else? Friends? Family? Lifestyle? Health? Spirituality? Can you start to try and define these for yourself in the present in a way that isn't about negotiating with your H for his affections and approval?