New and Suffering

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

I probably should have mentioned something about "the ultimatum." Since either of you might issue one and it is not always there, I just let that be.

Typically, though, the ultimatum comes around 3-4 months after the discovery/revelation about the EA. One that might have been issued by you is for her to get with the program as is evidenced by your feeling that you are doing all the heavy lifting. Its going to feel like that for awhile.

OTOH, her ultimatum is all about things not feeling like they are getting better. Its about wanting to get away from the burden of the past and the pain and hurt caused by her actions. It was an ultimatum that I got in my first marriage
that things needed to get better in a hurry (or she was going to leave). And so this is not unexpected as a pattern of actions.

She tells you that you need to trust her.

No, she needs you to trust her. Right now you have no such "need." Trust is both something offered and earned and it can be withdrawn at anytime. But for her, it is all about not feeling as badly about this and being constantly reminded about it in so many ways. And one thing in particular, that you not use the EA as a "weapon" until the end of time. My sense of it is that you aren't and that you won't be using her actions as a weapon AND that you are hurt by her actions and still have a good deal of healing to do.

Closure and completion comes with healing. She wants the EA as the past to be ignored or at least not right up there in the forefront of thought and discussion. Ignoring it won't heal things. That takes time and a willingness to take the time and to take the steps to heal.

No matter what happens, the EA will be a defining moment, just as the marriage, the birth of children, and the death of family members and parents are all defining moments. They may mark where courses are altered and new paths are chosen. They may close off some paths and open others. (My view of the world and the actions I took were altered by the birth of my son. It is "the past" that is present now. His birth marks and informed a whole new course in life for me.)

But we tend to think of births as positives and extramarital affairs as negative and hurtful. In time it may take its place as a turning point that informs and reminds you that a course change is always possible.

Hang in there. The fact that you are both still there and working on this is a good sign.

The Captain