I get what you are trying to say and there is some merit to it. There's a lot more to the story than what I post here. The lines of communication are open both ways between my kids and I. I know exactly what goes on in my kids world every day of their lives. I'm not sure who you normally deal with but I'm certainly not stupid. I have it setup where if there's an emergency she will be able to get a hold of me. I've had my bases covered from the beginning.
I'm not going to get into a war of words with you here. I have more things to worry about then you or your opinion. I have nothing to prove to you. Yes, I am hurt. Just because you've "been there done that" doesn't give you a right to act like a pompous ass. If you have something to say, I'll listen...but don't start posting about me not being responsible when it comes to my kids. That is attacking me as a father and I will not tolerate that. I know you have a lot of experience with this stuff...I respect that...and I'm sure I can learn a lot from you. You're advice is more than welcome...you're accusations are not.
Hmmm pompous? I think not. So you have a way of having your youngest child communicate with you yet you didn't post it here. Pompous? No. It's from your lack of describing. And seriously, if something were to happen to your kids, how do you expect to hear from your W? Email? Bottom line is that if you want to save your M you are going to have to maintain friendly communication with her. Closing the lines is your right, but it won't necessarily get your W back.
She may call when she wishes to, however it is your choice on whether or not to accept the call. It's as simple as that.
"but don't start posting about me not being responsible when it comes to my kids."
Hmmm I don't see where I said you were irresponsible. That's what you assume. You do that alot. Is that how you are with your W? You make alot of big noise about stuff that wasn't even written and take things very personally. If that's how you communicate with your W, that may be something that should be looked into.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"Hmmm I don't see where I said you were irresponsible. That's what you assume. You do that alot. Is that how you are with your W? You make alot of big noise about stuff that wasn't even written and take things very personally. If that's how you communicate with your W, that may be something that should be looked into.[/quote]
I do this^^^^^^^^too. It really hit home.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I apologize for calling you a pompous ass. Sometimes it's hard to read someones intention when it is in written form. I've been emotional and lashed out.
I would like to discuss some of the things you brought up. I see some points that are valid and I have questions. I'll leave that up to you.
after seeing Bond getting blasted for such reasonable posts even though you say you want
straight feedback and all, I am wary of saying too much here...but here goes...
What were your w's complaints about You before all this OW stuff began? What, specifically is different about YOU than before?
She won't return to the m if she thinks it'll be more of the same. Accept that reality.
So what would make HER think the m would be better now, than before?
BTW- you can't convince her she was happy but she just didn't know it; and
you cannot convince her she "should" have been happy;
you have to convince her it can be better...so, what's new with YOU?
Dig deep. Try not to lash out. (And that's not me being sarcastic but honest.)
You did say you wanted people to give feedback and not sugarcoat it, or am I confusing you with someone else? If so, sorry.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm not sure if this is too extreme, but I changed my phone number today and I'm not giving it to her. If she needs me bad enough she can email me...we both have iPhones and I have mine with me 24/7.
I just can't deal with her giving small clues that she interested then totally ignoring me. I cannot move on if we are still going to have contact. I feel like my goals have shifted from doing things for me to doing things for us. It's draining.
She left me. If she doesn't want me in her world then she needs to leave me alone. I feel bad doing this, but I have to for my sake.
this totally confused me. The day before, you say You sent her a "sincere" apology for your role in things and supposedly had no expectations attached...she didn't reply and (probably has to process a lot)
sooo....you got mad??...and now you want to hide or what?
I don't get it. You HAVE to have contact with her about the kids...and I didn't see her being confusing so much as civil.
What triggered this?
I don't have an Iphone. Is there some way she can contact you without having a number?
Was she calling you too often? You texted her the long text about her coming to the bbq, and she said "thank you"...are there other things she did you forgot to mention?
Or are you simply feeling so bad that you must "DO something"...???
that ^^^ rarely helps...imo
so I guess my answer is, yes it seems extreme and ineffective if not unnecessary as well.
I dont' see how it even helps you. Please explain.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The truth is that I'm dying inside. I am trying so hard to do the right thing and the more I try the more I seem to screw things up. I'm trying the best that I can. I dont know what to think, say or do. I'm lost, confusd and I can make sense of anything anyone is saying. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I've tried so hard to be strong, I have no energy left. Everytime I see her I'm not able to breathe...I have panic attacks. That's why I don want to see her because every time I do I feel lime I'm dying. Pathetic, yes, I'm sure.
I'm tired of pretending I've got it all together...I don't. My world feels line it's collapsing all around me and I'm lost.
except for threatening to kill her, it's not likely that ONE thing you say will ruin the whole recon chances...
Get a plan and it begins with detachment. That doesn't mean 100% dark when there are children. Not possible.
Have you read the whole Div Remedy book? Try that first so you can really get a hold of your strategy.
I HIGHLY recommend a session (or 10) with a DB coach for some simple rules for yourself. Also will post the rules that were combined and put together and posted elsewhere here, for newbies..
They DO apply to your situation mostly. Discard what doesn't. And keep posting.
WE've been where you are. It does get better. I promise...
so here are the "rules" for you to LEARN AND RETAIN asap....for now....
Hang in there--
I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"I'm lost, confusd and I can make sense of anything anyone is saying. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I've tried so hard to be strong, I have no energy left. Everytime I see her I'm not able to breathe...I have panic attacks."
It's all fear. YOu're afraid. When you're afraid, you do all the things above and lash out at others. Like I said, been there done that.
25 brought up the same issues I had. Let me put it to you this way ... I've been at this for 3 years. You've only been at it for a month or so. It does get better.
I don't take things personally. My take is that you have a choice to listen or not. It's up to you. In my case, sandi and 25yrsmlc were the biggest influences that kicked my butt.
If you have any other questions. Ask away.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
