Do what I can but still have questions 4

[soccerwife]

25, I am totally past being angry about him being a jerk because I realize that his emotions are completely irrational and unwarranted. And here's why...

He wants me to mutually agree to D because:

1. he doesn't want to look like the bad guy to the kids, family, and friends, (too late for that because everyone already knows what is going on)

2. he wants to do it in mediation to save money so that he doesn't have to give up his "toys" (this will happen even in mediation because he is in denial about how much D is going to cost us both).

3. he has always relied on me to make the major decisions and this is just one more instance (well, it is time he puts on the BBP).

The irony in all of this is obviously that he has already failed in ALL of the reasons that he wants D. So, how the hell can he possibly think that it will make him happy? IDK and IDC anymore. I am just going to keep doing the right thing and I am certain he will come back around eventually. It may take a year, but it will happen. It is now plainly apparent that he won't file for D anytime soon.

And speaking of doing the right thing... my family is so concerned that I am being a doormat. From their perspective, putting our problems aside for now and not pursuing him is the wrong thing to do. They just don't get DBing. But none of them see the personal growth I have gone through in the last few months (mostly because they never saw the flaws in me that H and I knew to be true).

I have thanked him for going to MC. He keeps trying to use his willingness to do what I want him to do against me. For instance, he just called and made a MC appt yesterday and he claims it is because it is what I want. Even though I told him I don't want him there unless it is what he wants to do.

I am tempted to do a 180 and refuse to go to MC just to prove that he made this decision on his own and he can't use it against me. Further, I just don't believe there is enough Good Will coming from him to make MC beneficial at this time. I don't think it could do more harm because I have chosen a pro-M-MC but you never know how he will react. I have to do more thinking on this to decide if a 180 here would be the right thing or if it is manipulative and wrong.

I plan to call the MC on Monday and make sure he is aware of MY goals and what I anticipate H's goals to be so that he is prepared for it. I also have a great POA, agenda, thanks to DB coach Laurie, for the MC session. I am going to be a good listener, have no emotional breakdowns, have good communicative posture, and be on H's side. I will let the MC know all of this before I get there as well, so he knows what I am up to (NOT manipulating, but working on my fixings and trying to make us closer). If, for some reason, the MC isn't open to this, then maybe a 180, refusing to go, is the best option?

I have been setting boundaries about how he treats me and so far, it has worked. I do not tolerate him interrupting me when we are having a conversation. And I force him to allow me time to contemplate responses to his statements. I have been known to lose my temper and I think the best way to control it is to be allowed time for thought. I have walked out of the room on several occasions lately when he starts baiting me.

I have also told him that I won't allow him to treat or talk to me disrespectfully. He claims that he has lost patience and ability to talk calmly because he has been so miserable for so long and "tried so many things" but "I am just digging my heals in deeper" that he can't keep his negative feelings in any longer. So, just more irrational thought from him. whatever, that is his fixing and I can't do that for him.

His newest statement that he keeps repeating is, "you just can't be what I need you to be right now". He was sulking last night that "No one cares about him, his feelings, his opinion, and that he just doesn't matter." HAHAHA. When was the last time he was what I needed him to be?

I did ALL of this completely w/o him. It took my brother in law, a MC, a DB coach, a life coach, a medical doctor (w/ rx drugs), my grandmother, my dad, 5 good friends, the entire DB community, a dozen or so books, about $1,000 so far, and God proving that I had it actually inside myself to do this. All of that is what I USED to get from H.

When this is all over and he eventually realizes what I went through, I am going to make sure he understands that so it NEVER happens again. At this moment, I don't have a doubt in my mind that he is going to be able to hold out forever. He will be there for me again, he will want to ML again (and probably not too far in the future), and our new M will be rebuilt. For the first time ever, I can say that with so much confidence that I can actually put it in writing.