New and Suffering

[Accuray]

Thank you Sandi2, very helpful to set my expectations as you have! With regard to your question about how I got my W back to the M, I was asked for a D while my wife was on a business trip, so I had some time to figure out what to do. I found this article and tried to follow it to the letter:

http://dineane.hubpages.com/hub/My-Spouse-Wants-a-Divorce-Now-What

The bottom line is that you have one chance to turn it around, and you do that by being someone your spouse would want to be with, which means you have to do everything you can to avoid creating feelings of resentment in any way. I also read "SSM", "DB", etc. and did telephone coaching on this site, as well as IC.

I was very effective with my 180 too. I started out by re-establishing common ground from the time we got married, and then talked about our shared relationship goals, and demonstrated through action that my 180 was permanent.

Recently, my W said that she never really wanted to leave, she just thought that having the R with me she always wanted would be impossible. Now she says she feels she can have it. Since I wrote the post quoted above which was a little while ago, she has been rolling up her sleeves and putting in effort, although to your point, not to the degree or with the enthusiasm that I am.

My main challenge now is dealing with my bouts of sadness for both our benefit. I assume this is just "normal stages of grief" but I'm not sure what to expect in terms of how long it's going to last, or what I can do to head it off, or recover from it more quickly. It was suggested to me elsewhere on this site that these episodes may be an attempt to punish my wife, or to get attention from her, but I don't believe that, because they usually happen when we're apart and she would have no way of seeing me. Usually when we're together I feel good, but I do occasionally get "hit" and when that happens I try to disappear for a little while.

To some degree, I think there's been so much relief over the progress we've made that the feelings I've had to backburner are starting to come out, and I'm now feeling safe enough in the R to work through them, but I'm very anxious about derailing my efforts by doing so.

Both "DB" and "SSM" talk about the importance of creating and reinforcing positive cycles, and this sadness gets in the way of that, it starts a negative cycle and I'm really looking for ways to stop that as soon as possible.

Thanks again for your input