6+ Years Later ... He Wants to Come Home

[AloneAt35]

Valeria,

You have asked the dreaded question that torments me - and has tormented me for a long time. No, his comment about thinking he was/is a 'sociopath' was not said in a joking tone. It was scary and he sounded unsure of himself. (He also told me that years before his favorite uncle told him that he was 'white-hearted'- a term in their culture which means born with no conscience.) Ex-P also said, "I don't have emotions." He told me that he wanted to find someone "as shallow as he was." When days later when he finally admitted OW he justified it by saying that he "just wanted to know if he could feel something" - and apparently he did - he was in love with this woman from the internet (though he'd only seen her in person once at that point) and he wanted to marry her. Then he said he must never have loved me - or perhaps loved me at some point in the distant past but couldn't remember what it felt like. Then he coldly picked up the phone and called OW in front of me in our own kitchen...while I was cooking his dinner.

I was horrified. This was a man who had probably told me he loved me 5 times every day until just weeks beforehand. He had been the model of a 'caring and responsible' man. True, he was somewhat emotionally reserved (just like the rest of his family), and he did get cranky once in awhile, but never once did I doubt the genuineness of the apparent empathy, kindness, and generosity I saw him express over and over in the 20 years before this meltdown, no one we knew doubted it either.

Yet, I was watching a person (or the person I thought I knew) unravel before my eyes. Is he a sociopath?? - I don't think so based on all of the reading I've done about it - but something definitely broke down in him...or came up in him. What do you think?

Thank you for letting me express this to you. I genuinely feel that whatever happened to Ex-P, be it a MLC or something else, IT was radical and profound...or else he lied masterfully and hid the truth about himself for 20 years and no one was able to see it.

So is there a connection between a MLC and a mental illness? You might be right. So many MLC "symptoms" are so predictable its scary: the risk-taking, the out-of-nowhere resentment, the spending, the insane new relationship, the 180-degree overnight change in personality and demeanor, forgetting all of their "old life", and the obsession with dying (well, at least my MLCer became obsessed with people who had recently died..even ones he didn't know... and the fear he would die as well...so he had better start living).

When Dr.s observe a cluster of symptoms over and over it becomes a 'Syndrome'. So why isn't it called Mid-Life Syndrome?

There really is something real to this. Its not just men buying sports cars and women dressing in age-inappropriate ways. Its people RADICALLY changing in destructive ways.

I don't think my Ex-P will ever 'wake up.' Something has really gone off inside his head, but I am happy for you that you have the friend of your husband back. Its really quite amazing. I can't imagine the strength you've had to find in yourself over the years. Bi-polar, alcoholism, and MLC - one alone would be a deal-breaker for many. Like I've said, you've shown Amazing Grace.