Yes, I'm still with the living...thanks, everyone, for checking in. I'm sorry I haven't been visiting your own situations lately; between the flooding here in southcental PA (I ripped all of my basement carpet out today after getting about 3" of water in there), dealing with my W and life in general, I've been distracted. I'll try to catch up with y'all in the next few days.
I had a revelation today about my M, my W and her EA and my role in all of this. I've been beating myself up pretty hard lately with all of the "what if's", "if only's" and "why didn't I's". It's been lonely in the house and I have been missing my W a lot.
The OM's mother arrives tomorrow. Still no definite date when the OM arrives. I have been talking to W's oldest son frequently, and he has shed some light on the incredible level of dishonesty and deception she has been building; apparently she has been talking to him about the OM. Despite her claims to me that the OM is "just a friend" she has confided in her son that she is deeply in love with him, always has been since high school, wants to have an intimate relationship with him and feels like they are true "soulmates".
And...marrying me was a big mistake. That was a nice shot.
Nothing I didn't already suspect, but to hear it verbalized to her son (who is thoroughly disgusted with her) makes it painfully real. But what it really means to me is:
It's not all my fault, and it's not about me. It's all about her.
It's about her pursuing her wants and desires regardless of what it costs, even if that cost is our marriage and the respect and admiration of her own son and my kids.
There was nothing in our marriage that could not have been healed with honesty and open communication. But it was easier for her to run away than face the work that had to be done. It will be only a matter of time until her new love life sours, too, and the cycle will repeat itself.
Perhaps I will now be able to look forward more than I look back. I am sad that she was able to cut me out of her life so effortlessly, but I have been blessed with a growing relationship with God, great kids and great friends; that sustains me.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Perhaps I will now be able to look forward more than I look back. I am sad that she was able to cut me out of her life so effortlessly, but I have been blessed with a growing relationship with God, great kids and great friends; that sustains me.
I think this is a very good outlook all things considered.
Yes, I'm still with the living...thanks, everyone, for checking in. I'm sorry I haven't been visiting your own situations lately; between the flooding here in southcental PA (I ripped all of my basement carpet out today after getting about 3" of water in there), dealing with my W and life in general, I've been distracted. I'll try to catch up with y'all in the next few days.
No need to apologize man. You have been missed but we are all dealing with our own BS too so it's completely understandable.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
I had a revelation today about my M, my W and her EA and my role in all of this. I've been beating myself up pretty hard lately with all of the "what if's", "if only's" and "why didn't I's". It's been lonely in the house and I have been missing my W a lot.
I remember this phase well. It still visits me from time to time. I hit it every time I want to "fix" my marriage. However I still do learn something about myself. Is there anything you learned about you during that time? Anything that only make you more fantastic?
Originally Posted By: Telemark
I have been talking to W's oldest son frequently, and he has shed some light on the incredible level of dishonesty and deception she has been building; apparently she has been talking to him about the OM. Despite her claims to me that the OM is "just a friend" she has confided in her son that she is deeply in love with him, always has been since high school, wants to have an intimate relationship with him and feels like they are true "soulmates".
The whole paragraph sukks really bad.. however I think there is some rewriting of history happening here as well as justification to what she is doing - I'm sure you already know that.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
And...marrying me was a big mistake. That was a nice shot.
Very nice. Jeezzz. Loved it when my w did that too.! Again though I think this is her rewriting history. I have a hard time believing that our WAS stood in front of God, family, future spouse and said "This is a mistake, but I'm gonna do it anyway!"
Originally Posted By: Telemark
It's not all my fault, and it's not about me. It's all about her.It's about her pursuing her wants and desires regardless of what it costs, even if that cost is our marriage and the respect and admiration of her own son and my kids.
Hold onto these words. They are painful but they are real. Remind yourself that it's not all your fault when you have a day that are filled with "why's" and "If Only's"
Your w has created her own "truth" now. One that was probably born from imperfections of the marriage combined with fear, justification, and selfishness.
Unless her perception of the truth changes, I doubt she will either. The only thing you can do is not let her "truth" define who you were or who you will become. You can do everything in your power to show her the best "TM" but at the end of the day, it's up to her to see it.
The question is.. "Do you even care to continue showing that to her?"
Again, I know you know all this. Just thought I would point it out as it's much easier to see in other sitches, than in ours.
Both of our w's are runners and have created their own reality. And your right.. they will make the same mistake in the next relationship.
However you and I (and many people on this board) will not. It sukks that we can't have a relationship with the one we want, but it is refreshing that one day, we will have that healthy relationship.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thanks, V. I appreciate your comments, especially this one:
The question is.. "Do you even care to continue showing that to her?"
At this point, it doesn't matter. Her decision to live with the OM has crossed every boundary I could put down. Divorce is no longer a question of "if" but "when".
So...here are a couple of questions I'd like to toss out there...
Two weeks ago W indicated - by e-mail - she was going to file for a D online(and send the link to me; how very considerate of her). As of today I have heard nothing. So, do I:
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
a. Wait and do nothing b. File for a D myself c. Ask her what is going on with the D d. Move to Bora-Bora and forget about everything
Also, she still has a lot of her things here in the house. What is a reasonable time to wait until I request she get her chit out of here? It's been 6 weeks.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
TM you know I'm new to this, but what's the rush. I would let her file and you go on with your life. She will need to come up with the 5000$ 1st. I think that's what every L is charging. You can save some money and take your time. The D is just a formality (so I tell myself). Regarding her stuff, it depends. If looking a at it hurts throw it out yesterday if not ask her to pick them up in 2 weeks and if she doesn't throw them out or even better if good stuff have a yard sale. That would be like a GAling thing, right? Hang in there this all really svcks.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Although that sounds good, on a serious note I really going with option "a". Right now, it's unknown whether her email was a viable threat or it was a reaction to your email with a link to a mediator. Maybe she didn't like it that you were hijacking her agenda and it's a power struggle right now where she wants to take back control? Also, I believe the timeline was the OW's Mom was supposed to move in with her by now. However, I don't believe OM has moved in yet, has he? Right now it's only threats if that's the case. Your W has not learned yet what she's signing up for.
Ultimately, it you're decision and you're living the situation right now. If you are 300% sure you're done, then option "b"'s your choice.
I'm still praying for you. Especially for you to have the wisdom to make the right decision.
