OW called our house

[Endeavour]

First of all 25, thanks for sharing your thoughts and stories on Retrovaille - I think I cried through most of your post and I will probably read it many more times.

Don't know where you live but when we looked it up here, it was literally on our anniversary weekend within an hour's drive.

Yes, it's about 35 minutes away and it's coming up next month.

Can you guys rent some comedies? If d refuses to leave her room, can she spend some time with s7? Are they close? She needs to reach out to someone in the family soon...

Her and S7 are very close. He did spend some time with her yesterday and I've gone in to speak with her a few times today. She's also been texting me. She prefers to be alone to think, and I believe she needs a bit more time but I will try and encourage her to do something this weekend. Most likely with me.

During one of our conversations today, she said she was afraid we would D but that she was also angry and disgusted. I said that I understood those feelings and that H did too, and that he would talk to her when she was ready. I told her I would not be making any decisions right now so not to worry about a D. And I assured her that I would also not be throwing her father out and adding more drama to our lives. I told her I've been reading, and that a lot of married people have worked through stuff like this, and that I was trying to figure out what was best for all of us right now.

And yes, comedies are a good idea right now.

How is your d's friends' family with the A, NOW coping?Are they divorcing?

Yes, they are already divorced and it's been almost 2 years. Her friend is still struggling with an eating disorder and has also been drinking a lot since the divorce. D has been very upset to see her friend in such pain. And I'm sure D16 was not expecting something similar to happen to her family in a millions years.

But if I had gone on, and if h found out, I'd hope he'd forgive me b/c we are a good team. And if he tried to shame me --I'd have rationalized it totally...(I sure did back then)

My H is extremely ashamed and I have told him the whole thing disgusts me because he brought our family to it's knees for a batchit crazy wingnut, so I can't say I haven't expressed that I'm ashamed of him.

But then again, he is definitely not rationalizing the A either. In fact, just the opposite. He has repeatedly said it was the worst mistake of his life and that he was immature, pathetic, childish, petty. (He has quite the list of adjectives for himself and none of them are very pretty.)

I don't know what it is about this NUTS book that some men on the forum have mentioned, but apparently it changed H's outlook (seemly overnight) on a lot of his life.

He's even told me that many of the things I have said over the years, concerning his behaviour/our issues, and even the things I said during the last 5 months of his bombing me, are so bang on -- that he's almost afraid for me to read this book. And things I have complained about during our M, that he ignored, have become so obvious for him now.

Actually, he sounds almost like the H I knew when we were happy but even better.

Sounds like your h gets it though...a lot sooner than mine did.

I actually think he does get it. And I truly hope he is being genuine because so far I'm completely blown away by the fact that my vacillating H, who quite frankly was a bit insane only 9 days ago, sounds like a competent mature man who knows exactly what he wants.

And he has not made a single excuse for his behaviour. Even when he talks of the hurt and rejection, that he used to justify the A when it began, he promises that he absolutely realizes now, that was still NO excuse. He's said there was absolutely no excuse, no justification, aside from utter selfishness for what he did, and he will never again say to himself that he was justified.

Anyway, I am impressed with his forthright honesty and new found self-awareness. However, I can't believe he's finally becoming a better man at such a terrible expense, especially with our poor kids being dragged into the drama the other night.

let your heart heal some more for now and see where it leads you in the next few..."units of time"...

Yes, I will do this as I know that making a decision right now would be foolish. I'm actually surprised I'm not the least bit tempted to throw him out in a fit of rage. It's almost as if DB'ing works. Or I've detached. I'm freaking myself out a little to be honest...

In some ways divorce SEEMS easier...the thought of "all the work" to do is overwhelming to some....which is why Retrovaille is a great idea no matter what you do maritally-you'll accept each other more.

But from what I see in life and on these boards, there's work to do either way. And not much of a "reward" for the divorce work...

Yes, the more I read, the more I realize that divorce would be just as difficult as staying. Either path is wrought with pain which is why I'm not overly eager to take either road right now. But one obviously comes with a greater reward.

But witnessing the redemption of a man, and the forgiveness of a betrayed spouse, are valuable legacies to leave one's children.

I hope so. BUT I want my children to see me as strong and forgiving and not as a doormat to a cheating H.

Despite your h's A, it sounds as if you are owning your contribution to this, correct? So maybe you can end the old m, and begin the new one...in time

Yes, I know I contributed to his unhappiness and I can certainly validate why he was feeling so unloved and rejected. That doesn't excuse his bad choice, but yes, I do understand his complaints, and I do own my part in the breakdown of our M.

At some point I want to forgive him because I don't want to be bitter and hateful. I would like to say that I could forgive AND stay in the M, but I have no idea if I'm capable. I would like to think that I am capable of that kind love, but I realize it's going to be very, very painful. Then again, I also know that it would be painful to leave my H because of everything I have learned on this board over the past 5 months.

Anyway, thanks again, 25. Your posts are like a free counseling session, and I really enjoy them.