Chaos, those are painful questions... But i do have to wonder if my past plays a part in my desperation to hold on to my h... I'm about to get personal here.
1. My dad walked out on me and my mom when i was d's age (7) as a child i waited and cried for him to come home every day and one day just gave up.
2. My own mom after her divorce went on to date the most unreliable and abusive men as i was growing up. There was no stability
3. I married right out of high school, and in that 11 year marriage he cheated on me behind my back until i caught him.
4. My 2nd marriage ended up falling apart once he started hitting me about two years in.
5. Then i met my current h online. We communicated for two years until we met. He treated me so good for many years...and when we lost our home in ca and moved to be near his family...this is where the slow downward spiral began i think because we have not really been happy here, yet he is too afraid to move back. With both of us depressed and unhappy...the break between us happened somewhere.
I feel as if i am a huge failure. Seriously? I cant make one marriage work. I'm 43 yo. If i cant get it right even once... And no i really dont want another failed marriage. I dont want my d living that pain i am all too familiar with.
Maybe my willingness to take lies and emotional abuse comes from that child in me who is still waiting on the front step each day hoping her dad will show up. I know i have abandonment issues...and dang it....h knew going into this my past. He promised me he would never lie, cheat...well....promises mean nothing.
H told me last month im holding on because im afraid to be thrown into the void. Maybe its that and maybe its just cause i love fhis man and cant see life without him.
