I spent lots of time reading, researching, seeking help, etc. and have got her back to the table and interested in saving the marriage, but I am definitely doing the bulk if not all of the work. I feel like I'm putting on a backpack full of rocks each morning and walking around with a forced smile.
How did you get her back to the table....and especially "interested" in saving the M?
You will do the bulk of what's your definition of work, and for quite some time, if you really desire to have a MR with her. But there were problems from the beginning of your R with her and now she has been involved with OM, so she doesn't want to work at this M. Don't expect her to suddenly decide to push up her sleeves and start showing signs of "strong effort". If you do not come to terms with that first realization that she can't give 100% effort right now....then you won't make it.
First of all, you need to know something about a WAW who agrees to stay in the MR with the H. She has agreed to not leave! That's about as much effort as she will give right now....and maybe for a long time. If you are comparing yourstandards of efforts against her apparent lack of efforts.....you will sink. Your mental, physical & emotional strength will drain you dry b/c of the constant stress and discouragement. I'm sure you are thinking that I'm not helping much by telling you these things, but hear me out. I want you to succeed, and realizing, and accepting the fact that she is not going to jump back into the R with the enthusiasm, hopefullness, nor cooperation that you expected...will help you. You may not understand it and it isn't "fair", but I believe it is true with WAW's who have been in an EA.
Try to look at this as if there are 2 separate job descriptions. Ever had a job where you and co-worker made the same salary but you had to do most of the work? It may not be fair if you have all the hard stuff and she doesn't have to do anything except show up! That's why it's so important to keep your focus on your job goals....and not on the co-worker.
I had this little picture come to mind....Imagine the two of you lost in a dark forest. You have the burden of the backpacks & equipment, but you are working hard to find safety. However, you don't see much effort from her end of things. What's wrong with her? Why isn't she trying to get help as much as you are? It seems that the two of you wearing different type of eye glasses. You have no doubts as to what to do b/c your glasses help you to see crystal clear. The problem lies with her eye glasses. They are so dark that she can't see what's right in front of her.
I didn't mean to leave right here, but I have to go. I'll check back tomorrow, hopefully.
(hug)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
