Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[AloneAt35]

In Shock,

I am new to your thread and just wanted to tell you how much I empathize will all of the emotions you are feeling. I will let the more wise/experienced DBers give you advice, but I wanted to drop in just to offer my support.

25years is so right, you are blaming yourself WAY too much. Yes, its important to be accountable for the changes you need to make in yourself (and you are)...but ultimately, this isn't about you. Let me tell you how I know.

A very long time ago in the early years of my (recently-dissolved) relationship when I was about 20 years old, I became depressed - clinically depressed. The reasons were many: a family history of depression, unresolved issues from my extremely chaotic childhood (my Mother abandoned our family and both parents were physically abusive), as well as general fears and anxieties about the future that young people face. During this period of depression, I reconnected with a male friend. Was I attracted to him...not really, but still, I found myself mired in the belief that life would be better with him than with the man (my Ex-P) that I had been with for about four years at that time. Did I have an affair - NO! The guilt would have killed me and intellectually, I valued the man I was with too much, but still, I found myself trying to be around this other guy all of the time. He "understood" me, or so I thought. He was "emotionally deep" - or so I thought. We talked about our childhoods and understood each other, we cried together over our pain...

Truth is, this other man did "understand" me - why? Because he was just as messed up as I was at that time! Truth is, he was "emotionally deep"...why?...because he was in crisis too and so all of his feelings seemed more intense! But I didn't realize those things at the time - I just thought that the man I was living with was cold and shallow in comparison. Moreover, I just wanted to escape from the drudgery and pain of my own bad feelings and unhappiness - it wouldn't have mattered if I had the world's most perfect mate. I just wanted a diversion.

Long story short, I got very 'sucked in', but ultimately, I didn't pursue a relationship with him because of my own personal ethical code. But it was still so tempting...and he wasn't even attractive to me. The appeal of this other man wasn't his good qualities, but his negativity and emotional instability, which mirrored mine.

Yeah, we understood each other - for all of the wrong reasons. We were 'deep' - deeply self-absorbed.

So when your W says that you are emotionally 'behind her' or 'underdeveloped', I question whether or not she isn't just depressed/unhappy/unstable herself and seeking someone who is also in turmoil to commiserate with. YOU do not seem to be an emotionally stunted person. But when I was depressed, I was attracted to the OM because I thought, "He's been there, he UNDERSTANDS this, maybe he can fix me!"

Truth is, two broken people can never fix each other.

The sad irony to all of this is that even at 20 years old, my personal integrity would not allow me to cheat on or abandon the man I was living with. Now, this same man is more than twice the age I was then and is having his own crisis of sorts, and he walked out the door saying 'there must be more to life than feeling like this'...and I've found it with another woman. For me, the sadness of my youth is back - but much, much, much more profoundly, for now I am truly alone.

I know this was a long story about my own brush with an EA many years ago, but when I heard what your W was saying, and how you were internalizing it all as though it were a fundamental truth about yourself, well I just had to speak up. Your character is not flawed...I can't say that for your W at this moment.

So to summarize, your W is saying you are emotionally underdeveloped because you are (well, you WERE) happy, content, fulfilled, and stable. She wants emotional intensity, which really means emotional instability. She wants someone who is self-absorbed, just like she is at the moment.

Does any of this make sense? Trust me, I've been there, I've thought the words your W is saying to you...and then I grew up! I'm thankful I had the character to not act on my emotions. Some people don't. It took me years though, to understand the dynamic behind my feelings back then.

Good luck and keep respecting yourself. You aren't 100% responsible for your W's feelings and behaviors, so don't take 100% of the blame.