I know it may be premature, but since you like Passionate Marriage, I'd recommend dropping $10 and downloading the 2 hour talk Schnarch gave on Extramarital Affairs. It is intended for MFT and Sex Therapists, but as I found it extremely accessible.
Thanks for the suggestion, aeoli. I will definitely download the talk as I have definitely found Passionate Marriage fascinating and insightful.
Originally Posted By: aeolianchaos
Listening to it really helped me to deal with a lot of things in how I individually processed my WAW's affair.
Particularly questions like "How could they do this to me?" and issues such as trust.
Yes, those are definitely the questions and issues that I am struggling with..
Originally Posted By: aeolianchaos
In a lot of ways, your H's affair sounds like my WAW only he seems to have a lot more insight about his behaviors.
I'm going to have to go back and read more of your sitch. I have read your thoughts on other threads, and actually it was your many posts on PM that piqued my interest, which is why I purchased the book.
Originally Posted By: aeolianchaos
His recognition of a desire to hurt you is kind of impressive, in the context of his being an immature putz. Most people would not admit to this kind of marital sadism or have the insight to recognize it. As hurtful as his behavior has been, the fact that he seems to be recognizing his motivations gives me some hope that he may indeed be in the process of growing up in a way that you would need him to in order for you to remain M.
Ironically, I was flipping through PM this morning, looking for insight into affairs, and I came across the Chapter on marital sadism. A lot of it resonated. I suppose it is surprisingly self-aware of my H to be able to admit that he wanted to hurt me and that for a period of time, he even hated me. Admittedly, I can also say that I've felt hatred towards H at some points during the course of our M, so in some respect, I think I am able to understand his motivation. Not the choice but the motivation.
I have concluded, that it's definitely hopeful that he's speaking from such an impressive place of clarity, considering what a huge uncommunicative jerk he's been to me in the last year. (I'm referring to behaviours beyond the A.)
Originally Posted By: aeolianchaos
You're in a hell of a place, but you also have the opportunity to shape a path forward with a lot of perspective and insight that most people probably don't possess.
Well, I'm trying but in the past I have let my own negative emotions cloud my better judgement, and I'm a ball of rage right now. I'm going to try to rise to the challenge of coming to terms with all of this, but I realize it won't be the easiest or clearest path.
Anyway, thanks again, aeoli. I think the work of Schnarch has helped me immensely, and I appreciate that I had the chance to read some of your posts on his books.
