OW called our house

[25yearsmlc]

Endeavor,

As stated before, maritally speaking you need decide nothing TODAY but

batchit crazy may need to be addressed SOON...

RE: Retrovaille, (hope I'm not repeating myself here b/c 2 other people asked me about it...sorry if this was posted earlier...here goes)

Retrovaille for Us-was done a year into Piecing...we were fighting and backsliding and complacency was no longer an option for me.

I drew a line in the sand and h immediately agreed. (He was probably sick of it too). So off we went...it was

1) a very pleasant surprise b/c we've been in marriage encounters (when times were good or we just needed a tune up)

and some personal growth workshops- 1 of which was SO worth the money & which h joined me on. SO I Didn't expect a revelation or profound experience like that workshop h joined me on, but thought it made sense to give it a try.

Retrovaille was different in that there was no public sharing, or very little that I recall. Instead you have some "team" couples who share their stories of crisis and how they somehow got through it, turned it around and made their R THE priority in their lives.

These stories & couples all had serious dealbreaking situations and nightmares, imo. One couple had lost a child to a drug overdose, another to murder AND their spouse had an affair right after...lovely. Some had out of wedlock children, a sick parent moving in, kid problems and bankruptcy, etc.

yet these couples turned their marriages around. Hard not to feel inspired.


Several times I thought, "geez, If these people can hack it and mostly be happy, so can we."

(As an aside, some people worry Retrovaille is "too religious." I can only speak to the one we attended. There was a retired priest nearby who offered to discuss any religious aspects if anyone was interested, in private,

AND OR

w/"anyone who has been harmed by the Catholic Church or any organized religion", which I thought was dang brave of him.

No dogma was preached although I imagine an atheist would be uncomfortable b/c spirituality and a r with God are discussed. My h is not Catholic yet he felt at ease.

Also Retrovaille does offer "Protestant Only" and Interfaith versions but our "regular version" of it, wasn't preachy.)

2) Endeavor--here's the killer thing about that weekend vis a vis the kids.

I had felt the weekend was very productive but the last day of it, I really got a gift.

My h was telling me with the use of an analogy and metaphor (Retrovaille's exercise for that hour) how he felt about something...

Suddenly he began crying (he is NOT a crier) and described what he saw as the effects of HIS choices on the family. (Mind you, this was a year into piecing...)

Said he "sees a well dressed man next to a wrecked car.

The money is all gone, and the passengers are all on life support.

No one knows if they're going to make it."

I really heard him take ownership of putting all his R's in our family on life support, b/c of his choices, not to mention the fortune it cost us.

At that moment I knew he fully recognized that he had deeply wounded our children, mostly our 1st D. He got it. I hugged him and I think I said "you're forgiven" and I sure meant it. (He has had to say the same to me in the past.)

D22 still has issues with men and I worry about that a lot. But I have no control over it.

And if DB taught me anything, it's to do what you can, and let go of the rest.

I hope you go to Retrovaille b/c for couples in crisis, it's great.

Of our 25 couples attending 19-20 are still married 3 years later and that's amazing, given the situations they were in at the time.

Don't know where you live but when we looked it up here, it was literally on our anniversary weekend within an hour's drive.

Hello? Can the universe get any clearer?

Family stuff-

Good luck with batchit crazy and your family.

Can you guys rent some comedies? If d refuses to leave her room, can she spend some time with s7? Are they close? She needs to reach out to someone in the family soon...

How is your d's friends' family with the A, NOW coping?

Are they divorcing?

I once heard that a book called "After the Affair" is a good one.

Also, I once seriously considered an A when h was in training/unavailable/sleep deprived/incredibly irritable and critical DRAG to be around for like 3 years....

glad I didn't. It wasn't easy for me not to, but I sought out a chaplain and lucked out with a great one. Also saw a shrink and called a few pro-M friends and family who didn't judge. They knew I was very neglected but they helped me see the logical consequences of where the A would go...I'd either fall in love with OM and then be horribly torn about what to do...and someone would get really hurt

OR I'd have a Physical thing only, to meet my need for attention and sex and
always struck me as pathetic. Not a realistic option for me...

But if I had gone on, and if h found out, I'd hope he'd forgive me b/c we are a good team. And if he tried to shame me --I'd have rationalized it totally...(I sure did back then)

Sounds like your h gets it though...a lot sooner than mine did.

let your heart heal some more for now and see where it leads you in the next few..."units of time"...

Remember that your choice will determine which legacy you leave your children.

In some ways divorce SEEMS easier...the thought of "all the work" to do is overwhelming to some....which is why Retrovaille is a great idea no matter what you do maritally-you'll accept each other more.

But from what I see in life and on these boards, there's work to do either way. And not much of a "reward" for the divorce work...

But witnessing the redemption of a man, and the forgiveness of a betrayed spouse, are valuable legacies to leave one's children.

These are legacies that are passed on go to the next generation much like my grandmother's death in childbirth still affects us down the road...

And much like a lesson I learned growing up next to a Colonel and his lovely family.
The Colonel had had an A years earlier. How do I know? Everyone knew...as w never let him forget it.

He was a war hero and had been a POW for 5 years, and everytime I wanted to ask him about it, she'd cut him off & interrupt the stories. I never once got an answer from him in time...can you believe that? Anyhow He helped my h with his officer application and was a nice guy to his kids and us, and in front of us, he was always a gentelman to his w.

I'm sure he had his dark side, obviously. But to tell you the truth, I often wondered why he stayed with such an unforgiving bitter woman.

She made every social occasion awkward at least once...her daughters ALL have issues with men and marriage today, and I don't blame HIM for that, I blame her...

From where we sat, SHE was the wrong party, you know? I learned then and there that

the worst case scenario in a situation like that, was to stay and NOT forgive, b/c she made everyone--herself, her h, their kids- miserable with it. Never let it go, to say the least. And yes, he had apologized to her and the kids...

Despite your h's A, it sounds as if you are owning your contribution to this, correct? So maybe you can end the old m, and begin the new one...in time


(( ))