Well... I hadn't hit 100 posts with it yet but I felt the need to start a new thread as a new chapter in my life is beginning. H doesn't want to be married and has moved in with K, who is possible OW #3. He says they're just friends but for some reason I'm having trouble believing him.
Single mom time again. I've enjoyed having my H back for the last three years so being alone in the house again is a bit of an adjustment. Both a relief and sad at the same time.
Very sad today. Feeling sick too. Nothing I can't deal with.. . I just wish I had my H by my side... but looking back I wonder, was he ever at my side?
Feeling cynical. Feeling like love is a cosmic joke the universe played on me.
Well... the new arrangement is that H will come over to "my place" (not our home anymore) to watch the kids and put them to bed on Mondays so I can go to band practice and on Thursdays so I can go to work in the evening. I will drop off the kids with H and his parents on Saturdays so I can work Saturday during the day.
I feel no anger towards H and wish him the best.. I hope he finds what he is looking for. I just wish it was me.
That said, I can feel like I'm going to go dark for awhile on him. I need to pull back and withdraw from the man I love, who desires nothing more from me than to be my friendly ex-husband.
Going to try and be as independent as I can. He wants me to rely on him if I need help around the house, need to talk or need any other type of help. I nodded but I don't plan on taking him up on this offer yet.
I wonder if the marriage can be saved. I wonder if I want it to be saved. Crazy... three years ago he wanted to renew our vows...
I suppose a small bit of GALing I can do is to do what I can to redecorate this house so it's more "mine" and less "ours" since he said he's not going to live here anymore.
I would say yes - even if it's just to save yourself. Just continue to work on being the best possible you. Strive to thrive, not just survive.
Originally Posted By: Luckyclover
I suppose a small bit of GALing I can do is to do what I can to redecorate this house so it's more "mine" and less "ours" since he said he's not going to live here anymore.
Not a bad idea at all. I think this will help you.
I'm stuck in a nostalgia vortex right now... as much as I'm trying not to live in the past, all I've been able to think about today is the past 14 years with him and how great a marriage we had. It was awesome... then we had children. H started to check out emotionally after our daughter was born. Hindsight offers me the conclusion that H was happy as a H... not so much into being a family man, despite how much he loves his children.
Mine is living with the OW. I'm forgotting about him and GALing and living my life. Who knows what our future will hold. My life is about me. My H wants to remain friends, but he can't even look at me and talk to me - he has to send an email. I refuse to talk to him about anything other then our children and our joint assets. It's helped me detach so much easier then dwelling on what we had.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
Going to GAL a bit tonight. High School Friend is coming over tonight, we're going to watch a movie... eat some popcorn... and exchange heartbreaks. I haven't trusted anyone but my parents with my story yet. Going to chat a bit about it tonight.
Dropped off the kids with H at his parents place while I'm at work today. His morning text was curt "Morning eta?" to which I replied "5 min"... when I got there he looked miserable and sad and the first thing he did, with no prompting, was to hug me. I wasn't going to initiate any hugging... I feel empty enough that I'm not even sure I want to hug him.
He's broke until my next payday so I transferred some money to his account for gas (as he's going to need the fuel to come out and visit the kid, also to watch them for me at home while I GAL on Wednesday with some bellydancing and go to work on Thursday) and he thanked me, also adding "I hope your day treats you well and is filled with small pleasures and joys, hun."
I know he's trying to be nice.. but the hun stings. Mostly because I know he calls all his female friends "hun"... and I'm just one of the crowd now.
All the same, I'm not bellyaching... I know enough to feel gratitude that he is trying to make this pleasant and soft. Muchly preferred to the alternative.
My mother knows that H is living with K now and she is fuming. I am going to have to plead with her soon before she sees him on Thursday (when they exchange babysitting shifts while I'm at work) to NOT SAY ANYTHING to him about it. I've got a compliant, pleasant, friendly H (STBXH?) right now and I don't need him building up an angry defensive wall. Knowing that my mother is upset with him is understandable but it's creating a small storm of anxiety within me. I'm very confrontation-phobic. And even tho' he says he wants a divorce, he doesn't love me and he wants his own life (or a life with OW#3, not sure) I'm convinced my DBing efforts have at the very least, rendered me the most friendly and "eager to please me" H I could hope for in this sad situation. I don't need my mother to help me backslide and/or turn him into a far less friendly version of his current self.
He doesn't text me anymore to chit-chat anymore like he did even last week. No more "Good mornings" or "How did your evening go?" messages anymore.
Last night I GALed until the wee hours of the morning (and I'm paying for it now.. boy, am I tired here at work.. ) with High School Friend. He and I watched "Hairspray", looked at my art and then talked about my S. He opened up about his split with his longtime GF earlier this year and we talked about life and how much love [censored] in general. It was pleasant to have someone to talk to about this who didn't either get sad/defensive/angry/withdrawn like my mother or my H. Just a good, non judgmental conversation. It's been awhile since I've had one of those. In a few evenings, my friend Librarian Lady is going to come over for a movie and I'll have to let her know about the S. (She'll wonder why H isn't watching the movie with us and I can't use the "oh, he's staying late at work" excuses I did last week.) I'm hoping for another good night of conversation with a friend when she's over too.
Then Wednesday, H watches the kids and I go to a bellydancing open house!
Not crying as much as I used to. I'm stunning myself and feel almost ashamed with my ability to step back and examine my situation pragmatically. I'm thinking of taking the next step and filing for S myself... but that goes against everything I'm working for.. but I don't know what I'm working for anymore. If I file for S then I can get some more money from the government as a single mom then I do as a married mom and I could really use the money. I'm torn on this one.
He's broke until my next payday so I transferred some money to his account for gas (as he's going to need the fuel to come out and visit the kid, also to watch them for me at home while I GAL on Wednesday with some bellydancing and go to work on Thursday) and he thanked me, also adding "I hope your day treats you well and is filled with small pleasures and joys, hun."
How did you find this out and why would you give him money for either of those things??
Although it would make sense why you did it. Your action guarantees your child will see their father (therefore avoiding any pain he would experience) BUT you are also ENABLING him. When some one really wants to do something/or see someone - they will figure it out. Let him sink or swim. He may surprise you good or bad.. but his relationship with his child is his responsibility to maintain.. not yours.
Originally Posted By: Luckyclover
I know he's trying to be nice.. but the hun stings. Mostly because I know he calls all his female friends "hun"... and I'm just one of the crowd now.
Understand that it stings but don't read too much into this either. My w called me by my pet name 3 days after she dropped d-bomb. It really hurt me. Now I just chalk it up as something that happened.. neither good or bad.
Originally Posted By: Luckyclover
He doesn't text me anymore to chit-chat anymore like he did even last week. No more "Good mornings" or "How did your evening go?" messages anymore.
Yeah.. that sukks. Good news is that it will sukk less over time. Something to look forward to right.
Originally Posted By: Luckyclover
Last night I GALed until the wee hours of the morning (and I'm paying for it now.. boy, am I tired here at work.. ) with High School Friend. He and I watched "Hairspray", looked at my art and then talked about my S. He opened up about his split with his longtime GF earlier this year and we talked about life and how much love [censored] in general. It was pleasant to have someone to talk to about this who didn't either get sad/defensive/angry/withdrawn like my mother or my H. Just a good, non judgmental conversation. It's been awhile since I've had one of those. In a few evenings, my friend Librarian Lady is going to come over for a movie and I'll have to let her know about the S. (She'll wonder why H isn't watching the movie with us and I can't use the "oh, he's staying late at work" excuses I did last week.) I'm hoping for another good night of conversation with a friend when she's over too.
Good for you. Keep this up. I'm going through a similar sitch with my friends that you are with your mom. They are angry and are starting to despise w. I have been expressing my pain to them for 5 months so it's understandable.
Your mom loves you! She wants to protect you! I know you know this but I find that if I remember my friend's perspective is from a "loving" one for me.. it doesn't create craziness towards my w. I'm not really sure why it helps. Just does.
Originally Posted By: Luckyclover
Not crying as much as I used to. I'm stunning myself and feel almost ashamed with my ability to step back and examine my situation pragmatically. I'm thinking of taking the next step and filing for S myself... but that goes against everything I'm working for.. but I don't know what I'm working for anymore. If I file for S then I can get some more money from the government as a single mom then I do as a married mom and I could really use the money. I'm torn on this one.
If your not sure what to do, don't do anything. You'll find the peace you need to make the best decisions. Sometimes that can't be rushed.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
) with High School Friend. He and I watched "Hairspray", looked at my art and then talked about my S. He opened up about his split with his longtime GF earlier this year and we talked about life and how much love [censored] in general. It was pleasant to have someone to talk to about this who didn't either get sad/defensive/angry/withdrawn like my mother or my H. Just a good, non judgmental conversation. It's been awhile since I've had one of those. In a few evenings, my friend Librarian Lady is going to come over for a movie and I'll have to let her know about the S. (She'll wonder why H isn't watching the movie with us and I can't use the "oh, he's staying late at work" excuses I did last week.) I'm hoping for another good night of conversation with a friend when she's over too.
