"It also sounds a little overly confident that you want to save things "more" than he does. Be vary careful."
Not sure I understand?
When he says things like:
"I must not really want to work things out because if I did I would do the things he's referring to...."
it appears to me like he's not "all in" unless you do what he wants. I just read that as someone dictating terms like "I know you want me back, so here's the conditions."
I dunno, maybe I read it wrong, like he's at the negotiating table.
IMHO the WAS has to be "all in" as in "I'll do whatever it takes to save our M." KWIM?
Correct me if I am wrong folks.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
No, I actually have to agree with you there. It does seem like he is on the fence, like he wants his cake and eat it, too. I definitely don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like he 'settled' for me. I am willing to do what it takes to save my marriage if I can, but I do have some pride!
I keep going back to what Michelle wrote, though, something about don't believe most of what they say?
Funny, that does remind me of a conversation we had a month ago or so... we had a big fight, during which he gave me the 'I'm so done with this' speech.
That's when he told me the reason he hadn't filed yet was because he would lose a good bit of income if he got divorced. Apparently that's the way he and his partner (a relative) wrote their business up, that if either divorced the other would lose his half and go back to being a salaried employee.
So obviously when someone tells you that, its shocking. I really thought, yep, its over. That's when I read DR, and things changed. Then, one day he asks me if I hate him now, and I commented about what he said to me and how final/brutal it sounded. His response was, 'oh, well you should have known I just said that because I was mad.'
Reading back what I wrote above, I realized what a jerk he sounds like on paper!
Found out a while back my H had some tickets to a show that was coming this weekend. Great seats, very expensive. He didn't tell me about them, so I really thought it was supposed to be a surprise for me (we had agreed not to see other people even though we are separated). It was to a show we both liked, too.
I kept waiting and waiting, but he never mentioned either the show, or that he wanted to so something on that date. Today we were talking, and I asked him what his plans were for the upcoming week/weekend (the show is Saturday). He told me he had plans to go off with a friend on Saturday, so obviously those tickets weren't for me.
Am I an idiot, or is there an OW? These are not tickets you would take a guy friend to.
So, of course I let my DBing fly out the window and asked him about the tickets. He flipped out and claims they were supposed to be a surprise for me (yeah, right, how were you going to deliver a surprise on a day you told me you had other plans??).
I know I shouldn't have said anything at all, but I just couldn't stop myself. He went crazy not long ago when he thought I might be 'talking' to OM (I wasn't) but now he's seeing someone? I told him I just wanted him to be honest, if he is seeing someone I have a right to know since we agreed to it. I was very calm about it, no yelling/crying, etc.
His life is his life... he's checked out the the R. So expecting that he'll take you to this show because you know about the tickets is setting yourself up for a bit of a heartbreak.
I know.. I've been doing the very same thing all summer. Expecting my H to do something for me... then he doesn't... then I start speaking with my heart and not my head... then he flips out and runs away.
I don't think you've screwed the pooch.. but you have to detach and step back from him for a bit. Don't expect he'll do anything for you. (If he does.. what a pleasant surprise.. but don't be on the lookout for it.. otherwise you'll keep yourself in pain.)
I know I shouldn't have any expectations, but I really am more upset that he is clearly seeing someone and continues to lie about it. It also makes me angry that he so adamantly told me he doesn't want ME to see anyone (not that I want to or have plans to) while he goes off and picks up a GF.
Detaching is so hard, but I will work on it. I am trying to lay low after this revelation so thank you for giving me a push.
ROMB, if anything you backslid. Note we ALL backslide from time to time. We're only human, Just keep this in mind next time. Keep your expectations in check. Try not to worry so much about what your H is doing. He's going to do what he's going to do.
Incidentally, I have not spoken with H since the bomb. I did have my D call him to say good night (he always calls before she goes to bed) but I didn't get on the phone. At least he has made not wanting to talk to him significantly easier.
