Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

OK, so I didn't make it to karate. Tire went flat, then put on the donut, and the donut was flat.

I didn't have any cash, but thankfully there was a nice guy at the gas station where I tried to fill up the donut (wouldn't hold any air), who bought a fix-a-flat (never going without one of those in my car again). Got me home, but I need a new tire, and have no money till next payday.

Went home and put my foot in my mouth yet again. Told W about the whole thing, and said I would have to borrow the spare car (one we held onto because my S17 is going to buy it from us). W got angry because, she reminded me, the car is technically hers, and I had told her I would need to use it rather than asking her.

Of course, because our relationship is so tenuous now, every little thing seems like a big thing.

Last night, W was laughing at something she was reading, and started to tell me about it, but when I didn't understand one of the references she was making, she sort of shoo'ed me away, saying she didn't want to explain it to me, because I wouldn't understand. Then later, I heard her explaining the whole thing to S17. Like I said, it seemed big to me at the time.

That is exactly the sort of thing that I shouldn't be letting get to me, right? The kind of thing that, if I was really GALing, would probably not bother me, because I would have my own things. I guess I really haven't been GALing lately. Slipped back into hanging on W's every word. Must be just as frustrating for her, as she must feel a lot of pressure on her when I get that hung up.

I came on this board wound up like a spring, but I think right now the biggest problem I have is not being able to be comfortable and happy independent of W.

Thing is, I like being in love. And every time there is the slightest sign that this is coming back, I go overboard again. Which, I am sure, just pushes W away. Same old song, and how well I know it. I only hope that each time it happens, I am succeeding at being a little less obsessive, and am able to keep my cool a little bit more.

It's getting exhausting, going back and forth on my "mood swing." I know I'm supposed to "drop the rope," but I don't really know how, yet. Again, I hope that I am gradually letting go.

I'm really tired. Hopefully I can make it to karate tonight.