He needs to contact her with you present and let her know in no uncertain terms to stop contacting your family in anyway. She needs to know that you mean BUSINESS and that her Fatal Attraction self is NOT allowed to play any part in what happens in YOUR family. Does her H know about the affair? Is he the type of person who will threaten your H? Do they live near you, or do her children go to school with yours?
Yes, he did it via text with me present. He told her that her little phone call stunt resulted in our children finding out the ugly truth and now they were devastated as well. He told her to NEVER call our home again and to never contact him again. She called again, and he screamed at her and told her to f off. She tried to speak and he said that she was the biggest mistake of his life and that she disgusted him. And that they were both disgusting for what they did and that he could never look at her face again without feeling guilt and disgust. He AGAIN told her to never call him, text him or call our home again.
She texted him immediately after he hung up to say that he was putting on a show for his W. He responded that it was no show and to leave him and his family alone. (He has only responded to her texts in my presence and he said he will continue to only respond in my presence and with my approval, regardless of my decision concerning our M. This only makes me feel marginally better).
Well surprise, surprise, she called again after that text, and he screamed at her and told her he was dead serious -- that she was out of his life for good, regardless of what happened in our M because even if I threw him out today or tomorrow, or a few weeks from now, that he was done with her forever.
She called 7 more times until we blocked her number.
Then she texted him to say she couldn't survive this...
Poor baby.
Anyway, she lives at least 30 miles away so there's no chance of running into her (I'm never in that area, nor are the kids). As for her H, she claims her husband knows she's dating other men. She also claims her husband is moving out by Christmas, but I told my H that just like he's been lying, she's probably been lying too because cheaters lie.
Originally Posted By: lc4
Also just a bit of advice, since she sounds like a pot stirrer....if she tries to forward you any communication she has had with your H (texts, emails, etc), I strongly advise that you put them away and do NOT read them. First of all, you never know what she has fabricated. She doesn't sound like she is the most sane person in the world. So don't hurt yourself anymore by participating in that game with her. However, it may be wise that anything you are given is put away for safekeeping just in case you need it in the future. Still, under no circumstances listen to or read anything she gives you.
I asked my H if there were any texts or photos between them that could hurt me and he said he's told me everything, and that he's not afraid of what she could send. He also said if I want to talk to her or need to talk to her, then pick up her call because there is nothing she can tell me that he hasn't at this point. I told him I have no desire to engage her in her overwrought drama as I think it will only fuel her obsession. I think my H is surprised that I don't want to speak to her as I'm not the least bit afraid of conflict, but I simply think it's beneath my dignity to engage this woman any further. Also, I'd probably regret giving her the opportunity to hurt me more.
Originally Posted By: lc4
E, I have so much empathy for you right now. I will say that from what I know of you (from reading your threads), you are a level-headed, loving, forgiving, kind and AMAZING woman. I can also tell that you are a top shelf mom and wife. Do your best to keep your emotions in check (trust me...I know how hard that is!) and think with your head and not your heart right now. I'm in your corner more than ever before!
Thanks so much, lc. You're a sweetheart. I feel the same way about you. ((()))
When I read your name under that headline, I was surprised, shocked, horrified - words don't even begin.
I guess after thinking about it, I can imagine how he could have done this - having been so immature, unable to curb his own anger and look beyond the present moment, I can picture him making a childish decision about very adult actions. And because I always thought he was so much like me, I am all the more furious at him. Well, you understand.
I am so sorry that he did this to you, and to your children. I wish I could take you out for a cup of coffe just to get away from all this for a while, and listen supportively for a while, let you just process it. I think you deserve a good friend who can devote their full attention to your feelings right now, and just be there for you. I hope you have one. One who won't advise you one way or the other, but just understand.
As for your H...well, I know what it's like to open your eyes and realize that you've been an immature PUTZ and hurt all the people that you love. To be horrified at the damage you have caused, and realize that there is no one else to blame. Thank God my immature idiocy has never taken me that far. I am almost as angry at him as I would be with myself if I had done such a thing.
You're in a tough place, and, unlike the other folks here, I have no good advice to give you. Only my support and prayers. We are all here for you. ((((()))))
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
I hope they can talk to someone. Doesn't have to be a big shrink-think medical deal but someone safe...btw, my oldest d was 16 when H left the house and their r is on the mend. But,
it took some huge hits...don't know how else to put it. Repairable? Well, yes. But will she think of him as uber available caring dad when she's older and looks back on this? Probably not.
25, I do remember your posts on how your H's relationship with his D was damaged by your sitch, and I did not want that happen to my D, regardless if H and I remained married. Thanks to this ow's crazy behaviour (after she was dumped) and my H's selfishness, it's exactly what has happened.
Our D has not left her room in two days. She will not look at H or speak to him right now and he's giving her space. He knows it will take time and he is certainly saying all the right things right now. He said he was an angry, selfish little boy with no integrity who let his unhappiness affect his judgement. He said that is not the legacy he wants to live and leave for his children, and that he will do everything in his power to repair their relationships. He said he wants to live the rest of his life with integrity and never ever let anger and hurt dictate his actions again.
We both agree that we need to look into counseling for D and perhaps S7. S7 is doting on me and H (constantly asking us if we need anything -- water, food, a hug, a cuddle, etc.) and we think the poor little guy is desperately trying to "fix" his family. It breaks my heart. We've assured S7 that his daddy is not going anywhere right now. H also told him that he did a bad bad thing and that you never treat your W like that and that he was so very wrong and that he will never do anything like that again. We told him we both love him and that no matter what happens, we will both be there for him. S slept with me last night because he said he doesn't want me to be alone so we are aware that he is hurting but because of his age, he will be more forgiving of H.
I told D16 that I am not making any decisions right now and that she does not have to talk to H until she is ready. She asked about the ow and I said she is gone for good (according to H). D is adamant that she will never accept this woman or meet her so she better be gone. I'm certain that if H ever took up with this woman again, he would lose his D's respect for many years.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I wish for your daughter what I wish for mine...
That she knows he was a hardworking man who would kill or die for his kids, but got lost awhile, and deeply wounded her. Then he found himself and his way back to her.
Even though, H did a terrible thing, I do think he is indeed extremely remorseful and racked with horrible guilt, and that he will do everything in his power to gain his children's trust and respect again.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
This past Father's Day my d22 (then 16) wrote that she was ready to let him "back into her heart"...made me and h both cry.
That brought a tear to my eye too. (I'm a bit emotional over everything right now.)
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
My h takes my d out to dinner one on one monthly, and they speak more often I think, than We do. (He calls a lot). He's trying. I don't know what he tells her about the whole ordeal although I assume it's a generic "big mistake"...(and that may be all my d wants to hear frankly.)
But their age makes this a formative time and experience.
He will have to teach her that not all men cheat.
Unfortunately, this happened to D's best friend's family as well. D has been very angry on her friend's behalf, and very disgusted by her friend's father. Her friend has gone through so much since the breakdown of her family and my D has felt so badly for her. We spoke about it recently and I told her not all men cheat and that I believed her father would never do anything so horrible. To think he was doing that very thing while we were having that conversation turns my stomach.
I know it has been on D's mind because on the night of the big reveal, she told me she didn't think this would ever happen to our family and that she never thought in a million years that her own father was a sleazebag. She also kept repeating that she couldn't believe this was all happening. I think it's going to be a very long road ahead to rebuilding for her and H.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
He'll have to show her what redemption is.
You can show her what forgiveness means.
Yes, I know I have to forgive him for me, and for my kids, even if I chose to leave our M.
That could be a great legacy for your family and future generations...or not.
Most of this will be up to you, but it is a process that takes time.
Nothing has to be decided today.
I not making any permanent decisions right now because if I made a choice based on anger and pain, I would be no smarter than H and ow.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Oh re: OW, I think she sounds desparately unhappy and odd. Hate to say it but I nearly feel sorry for her. How miserable must a married woman be in her own life, to think it's alright to call the Wife of the man she had an affair with?
Like you two would join in the "Hate the h" club?
gee, how fun....
Yes, I know. Clearly, ow is a damaged person. I can't even begin to fathom what she hopes to accomplish by speaking to me, except perhaps she doesn't believe that H has told me, and she wants to make sure she blows up his M.
Even though, H did a terrible thing, I do think he is indeed extremely remorseful and racked with horrible guilt, and that he will do everything in his power to gain his children's trust and respect again.
I am struck by what seems to be continued compassion and concern for your H and desire for him to rebuild his life and relationships with his children (whether with or without you) over time. Even in the midst of all that he has done.
You now have not only my sincerest sympathy, but my deep admiration as well.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
H and I spent hours talking last night and again this morning. It's been very difficult but I think he is now finally being completely honest.
He is deeply ashamed. He said he made the biggest mistake of his life when he took up with ow. He said the guilt and disgust he feels is overwhelming, but he knows that it doesn't even compare to the hurt and pain he has inflicted upon me and the children.
He explained his confusion and vacillation in a way that I feel I can now truly understand. I think he's finally reached a place of clarity.
This is how is happened:
He said when he met her he was unhappy with our M and had felt disconnected for many years. I was also feeling anger and resentment at the time and had even been contemplating leaving the M myself. Even though, I tried many times during that period to get H to read M books, he said he was resistant because his mind-set was one of great immaturity and selfishness and that he took no responsibility for his own contributions to the break-down of our M, nor did he want to at the time. He said he was living a life filled with hatred and resentment and wanted revenge for all the ways he felt rejected and hurt. During that time period, I was rejecting him in many ways including sexually because of my anger and hurt.
He said ow stroked his pathetic ego and he fell for it because he was weak and because he blamed me for everything. He said at first he didn't think I would care and that I would be glad to be rid of him and his needs. Then he decided he didn't care if I got hurt. He said he justified his poor choices and petty attitude because he was living without any integrity.
After 5 months with ow, the guilt of the A started to get to him and he left her for 4 months as wanted to work on our M, but he said at that time, he was still operating at a level of selfishness and immaturity. He admits he did nothing different during that time to repair our M and continued to be an angry, childish man. He again justified his unhappiness as a reason to get back together with her. Then she got cancer earlier this year, and he felt like he had to take care of her, and be there for her in ways he hadn't been there for his mother during her battle with cancer.
He said he tried to leave me in April because he thought he was in love with her, and that our M was doomed anyway. He believed I deserved someone who could make me happy. Then after bombing me, he suddenly became afraid of D and everything that it entailed. It began to occur to him that perhaps he was making a mistake because the thought of moving out did not feel right either. That is why he would take back a bomb so quickly.
But the guilt over the A kept eating away at him. He was afraid of losing me if I found out but then realized he couldn't honestly stay in our marriage without telling me because the guilt kept getting worse. He admitted that's why he was drinking so much during all this - he was numbing the pain and the guilt. He got angry when I had pointed out to him in the past that he was drinking too much because he was projecting all his crap onto me.
He said he would have thoughts of staying in our M all the time but then he would think about all our problems and how he had made them so much worse with his A. He started to feel that there truly was no hope. So he'd bomb me again, and try to be with her, but his feelings for her started to fade and he began to realize she was not what he wanted either.
He read more M books -- one specifically discussed affairs and how they rarely last because they are based on lies and deception. He read about the guilt that he would carry into that R and he realized this explained the disgust he was starting to feel for ow.
So he felt he had no choice but to leave ow as well because he knew their R was doomed. He also realized it had been a facade, an escape and that it was not real. That's when he realized that he did not truly love her. He finally admitted to her that he was beginning to wonder if his M could be saved and she said she wanted him to be happy regardless of his decision. He also told her I would leave him if I knew of the A and that he couldn't live without telling me so maybe there was no hope for our M. Then when he tried to break up with her, she threatened to tell me.
But he said the more he read, the more he realized that he wanted our M. That I was more intelligent and deeper than ow and that I had more integrity. And that he had made the biggest mistake of his life by having an A. He said that it was the NUTS book that was his biggest wake-up call and that's when he decided he needed to live with complete integrity. He knew he had to tell me but he was terrified of my reaction because he knew for certain he did not want a D and that he loved me.
He said ow began sensing she was losing her grip on him because he kept promising to move out and wouldn't follow through, and that's when she started to panic. He also had been ignoring some of her calls, and texts and was making no effort to see her.
He said he was looking for the right time to tell me about the A when she called. He never wanted it to happen when the kids were home but that ow had forced it to come out at the wrong time because she was selfish, and if she couldn't have him, she would make sure she destroyed his M so that I could not have him either.
He has asked me to go to MC and to forgive him if I can. He said he would do anything to go back in time and educate himself before this happened because if he had, he would have made a different choice. He said he will do anything to put our family back together. I told him that I am not in the place to make decisions right now because I'm still processing.
We talked about Retrovaille and I said I would be willing to attend but need a couple weeks to contemplate.
I always said an A was a deal breaker, but then again I thought if a man had an A, he would leave or continue to have A's. That once a cheater, always a cheater because that's what I've seen in other R's. I know I would never take H back if he choose ow but I never considered he would be able to explain in such detail and with such great remorse how it came to happen, or and that he would understand so clearly why the A would never work.
He told me he hates ow and hates himself for what happened. That she is not the type of woman he would ever want in his life again. That he will never allow a poor choice based on pettiness and selfishness to hurt me and our children again. I guess that's a start. Because right now, I'm still VERY VERY angry.
Also, crazy ow has been calling my H's cell again today but he is not picking up. (He is sharing his call log with me).
And she texted again this morning -- she said she is is so much pain right now so please call her. She can't handle all this.
He replied that he did not care about her pain and that his daughter had not come out of her room for two days so leave him alone. He said he was done talking to her for good.
Also, crazy ow has been calling my H's cell again today but he is not picking up. (He is sharing his call log with me).
And she texted again this morning -- she said she is is so much pain right now so please call her. She can't handle all this.
He replied that he did not care about her pain and that his daughter had not come out of her room for two days so leave him alone. He said he was done talking to her for good.
I don't think she's going to go away quietly.
Jesus, this is Fatal Attraction!
Can someone call her h? Would that make things worse? What the heck??
She's officially creeping me out now.
Maybe the one good thing is that she's uniting you guys? Scary and pathetic. She needs help. But that is not your job to get her. Maybe call the cops...tell them she sounds like a danger to herself or you...or her h...?? (which she does!)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You have my prayers and support in what is a very dark time.
