Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith

[aeolianchaos]

I know I still miss her, but there are parts of me that isn't sure if we would get along or if I'd enjoy her company today.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Almost half a year apart - its to be expected that things might be a little funky. Especially that your consciousness is probably in a different space than it was last time.

, it's just hard staying true to it when it's not having the results I want. I know deep down that's not why I show her grace and compassion, but the human side of me is disappointed that it hasn't made her want to be in my life

It isn't impacting her the way you want it to, but how is it impacting you? Are you living up to what is best in you?

I would suggest that it is the human side of you that is doing the work of keeping you on your path despite the fact that it isn't having the effect you want it to have on your W. It is also the side that allows you to deal with the disappointment that you feel at the moment.

I guess I feel like this just enables her to "be in my life" w/o investing in my life. Idk if that makes sense.

Crystal clear. You feel like she is monitoring your experiences and adventures so she is kind of 'connected' but at the same time she is free from having to make any kind of substantial movement in terms of being a part of your real life. Given your previous relationship dynamic, this kind of thing seems off to you, right?

FWIW my W deleted her facebook profile after being a facebook fiend for the past year or so. My M status is still Married although I'm pondering if I should delete it.

The struggle to remain in your own mind in the face of other people's reactivity and opinions can be very difficult. It sounds like you are doing a good job of it by telling your friend he is free to have his feelings and emotions about it but you are going to stick to yours.

I do wonder if perhaps it depends on the way one defines hate and how it is targeted. If you are seeking to be compassionate, hatred is a difficult emotion to reconcile as it requires a lack of empathy.. but perhaps there is room for it within the larger consciousness we all possess. Just a thought.

Therefore my 180s are for me alone and who I want to be. Doing stuff that I can be proud of regardless on if it has any effect on my w.

No harm in this. In fact, there is a lot of good in taking that stance, IMO.

I'm not sure how much I've changed the dynamic of my m in the past 5 months.

Invariably when we change, the world around us changes. It may not always change in the obvious or focused way that we hope for. You know this already, though.

You have done tremendous work and evolved a lot over the past 5 months. This is important stuff! I have to think that you respect yourself more as a result of all of this. As you acknowledge, your W's path right now is pretty blatantly her own. Whether or not it leads her to where she believes it may take her, well... who knows?