We spend a lot of time lamenting how our WAS/MLCers seem to not realize there are consequences to their actions/choices. In fact, we spent A LOT of time talking about consequences. I'm gonna come back to this ...
TAMF,
What do you want? Do you want to be married and in love with your H? If so, WHY? (and you can't answer with "because I love him")
Can you even definitively answer those questions? Are your answers truly your answers or do they depend on what he does or does not do?
It's lonely to be continually rejected by the man you love. It's gotta be even worse since he's verbally appeasing you (which is part of what's keeping you in the game because one of your love languages is Words of Affirmation) and physically and socially rejecting you by continuing his affair.
Your self esteem takes quite a hit during this process. And I don't mean the surface "I am woman hear me roar" or "I look damn good" kind of self esteem either. I mean the self esteem that whispers to you in the dark when you're all alone "why am I not good enough to love?"
Ya know, sometimes I think we all just have to learn our lessons the hard way. I was warned. They called me on it. I said they were wrong ... I told them "I know" ...
Personally, I will commend you for your honesty in mentioning the OM you are having feelings for. You're not alone but many of us do not have the courage to bring it up. Some of us even denied it. I tried. The vets saw right through my assertations, justifications and rationalizations.
Earlier you emailed me "Why does this happen to me T? I didn't ask for it. I wasn't looking for it."
Isn't it amazing that the same phrases came out of our spouses mouths? I said it too. I also pretended, or maybe even originally believed, that it wasn't a factor in how "done" I was. They called me on that too. And it took me months to be honest with myself about it.
You opened yourself to the attention for many reasons. You engaged in reciprocal behaviour that would foster an emotional connection. You are damaged still and know it. What did you think would happen? I'm calling bullchit on the not asking for it and not looking for it. TAMF, there are consequences for our behaviour too.
IMO, and sure some will say maybe I shouldn't have one on this topic 'cause I sure screwed it up too ... but IMO, you need to truly decide what you want as it pertains to your marriage. Right now your choice should be unencumbered. Made based on it's own merit.
It's either H or not H.
Period.
If it's H, then you're "standing" as it were, and you need to focus on what that means to you (btw it does not include telling him you love him while he is shacked up with another woman!). IMO you don't stand and date. You don't stand but then accidentally fall for someone. You stand and live, but leave other people out of the equation.
If it's not H, then you need to figure out what you want. I was advised to make a list. A written, honest to goodness list. What a potential partner would have to be like, what qualities he would have to have, to be a strong, healthy partner for you. I also made a list of what I brought to the table as a partner. This list has to be faceless! That's the whole point! It can't be H or OM or the dreamboat from down the street ...
At any given point in the near or distant future you can change your mind. But it's time to start making conscious choices. You can draw your lines in the sand. Set your boundaries.
Doing this any other way confuses the issue. Do you feel strong right now? Do you feel like you would be happy without H? Hell yeah ... but is it truly because you are, or is it because you have someone telling you how strong, amazing, beautiful, caring, wonderful and deserving you are?
These answers are for you ...
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
