I was DB'ing but just discovered an affair

[NTX_Dad]

Hello lc!

I live in a northern suburb of Fort Worth. You've posted some things that made me think we might be in the same area.

I'm not sure what to make of the invites. I think she's being nice, and I think she does miss me some. When we are together, we have a great time. She told me a couple of weeks ago that I will always be her best friend.

Being best friends is probably one of the hardest parts of a good relationship, and it comes natural for us. This whole divorce still doesn't make sense for me, I think its a shame to throw away the past 15 years.

I have noticed her fuse is very short these days. I mentioned earlier how she let loose and hit me several times in the chest about three weeks ago. Last night while dropping off our D, one little comment set her off and she instantly got red in face and argued for about 2-3 minutes.

For some reason I am handling this pretty well now. Earlier in the summer I was a wreck. Now that she moved out last week, I haven't shed a tear and don't think about her nearly as much as I used to. I am actually kind of enjoying the alone time to be honest... something that I never would have predicted.

[Luckyclover]

Following your story, NTX - sounds similar to mine but isn't that why we're all here? [censored] to be a member of the LBS club and yet, we're some of the best people I know.

Keep posting! It helps to talk to people who understand. Are you off moderation yet? It was driving me crazy when I was on.

[Luckyclover]

Rats... this forum keeps censoring me but I didn't say anything bad. All I said was that it "s.u.c.k.s to be a member of the LBS club."

[NTX_Dad]

Apparently I just got off of moderation today. Woot!

Earlier this summer I was really upset and consumed by my sitch. I noticed as the summer went on, I became less and less anxious about it.

I fully expected to become deeply sad, upset, and anxious after she moved out last week. So far it hasn't happened. I don't know why. Is it because I've been dealing with the possibility all summer? Is it because I know the most likely outcome now? Perhaps I stopped loving her?

I did start taking Lexapro earlier this summer, so maybe that's helping, or maybe my dosage is too high. I do feel anger in small doses, and I was happy most of the weekend when I had my daughter.

[NTX_Dad]

Had a fun but weird weekend. The stbx bought us concert tickets for Saturday night. I really wanted to go but all of my friends told me it was a bad idea.

I ended up going and we have a wonderful time. I started flirting with the bartender and waitress and my stbx was all for it at first, and even took pictures, but as the evening went on, she started to get jealous. At one point she started putting her arm around me and even kissed me a couple of times.

We got home so late, she ended up staying the night, so I went to the guest bed room.

Her and our D8 stopped by again last night for a little bit and they ended up spending the night again. After D8 went to bed, we had a long conversation about stuff. She was telling me how she's not interested in dating at all, her priority was being a good mom, and her second priority was just being herself.

She even said a couple of times she thinks there's a really good chance we will end up back together in a year or two.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think my emotions would welcome that very much.... I still love her of course. But on the other hand, logic tells me that I shouldn't be available and I would worry she's would be a WAS in the future. If we were ever to get back together, even if it was today, I would want it to be a new courtship and would also want some M counseling to figure out how we got to this point.

[Still learning]

Sometimes I think the "suspecting / finding out" part is so emotional that it's easy to be sort of numb once it's all out there and known. PS - Lexapro will do that also. I'm sorry you're going through this. You seem to be handling it pretty well. I wonder though - you're W seems pretty sure that you're going to be there for her when she wants you and a stable family life. You said "she thinks there's a really good chance we will end up back together in a year or two." What's her reaction when she plans things and you aren't available? I could be wrong, but maybe a less certainly would be good for her.

[In_Shock]

Yes - less certainty. I've been told the same thing by people who know my sitch. I'm the stable home while W knows she can rely on me to be there. Need more mystery and a bit of a chance that perhaps, just perhaps we WON'T be there when they may/may not want us back.

It's SO hard -- detaching, but it's for us and it does help...ever so slowly.

I'll send good energy your way today.

[NTX_Dad]

Still Learning and In_Shock -

Thanks for the comments.

You are both right. She needs to feel some uncertainty. She knows I still love her and is confident I'll be available. I need to figure out how to make her start feeling that way. I guess detachment and going dark will help that process along.

I mentioned earlier this summer I caught her having an affair. She still insists to this day that there wasn't a PA and that it was just a couple of days of texting stupidity. I do know for a fact that the OM is dating another woman now. I felt last night she was sincere when we (she) was talking about post divorce and she reiterated several times that she know she has many personal issues to resolve and does not want to date a man and have to worry about a relationship.

At this point I don't know what I want anymore. I guess if I had a magic wand, I would want us to be back together and enjoying a new-and-improved marriage. I've learned so much this summer and I had been excited about sharing a deeper love and romance with her.

But I know realistically that she's not capable of that right now, and in some ways I am ok with that too.

I have been pretty numb and indifferent since late July. I have even enjoyed the empty home at times. I am on Lexapro so I wonder if that's dulled my feelings... although I do feel joy and anger at other things outside our martial sitch.

[ncl]

WOW...what a weekend!

I'm a little confused... Last week (or so), the two of you were in court, and now she's kissing you after she got jealous that you were flirting with a bartender?

It sounds like both of you are still emotionally invested in this marriage, yet you are still moving forward with the divorce. Why? Is she insisting on it, or is she just as confused about what she wants as you are?

If she's insisting on moving forward with the divorce, then I would start setting some boundaries and sticking with them. Let her see what divorce is really going to be like. Go a little dark, make her miss you.

If she isn't sure about going through with the divorce at this point, then I suggest you both agree to put it on hold and get some counseling together and one on one.

Either way, keep working on emotional detachment and making YOU a better person. What are your goals for your marriage at this point? What are your own personal goals?

I don't mean to lecture you like an old school marm (you're older than me anyway! ) , but you need to figure some things out so you can move forward in the right way.

KEEP US UPDATED! love & hugs, lc4 (your fellow Texan)

[Rick1963]

lc4 I have seen the word "going dark" still don't get how that happens when one wants to keep communication open? The whole make her miss you I don't get how you do that without leeting your S know where you are?