Part of the reason to me that they are rare is that the LBS does so much to strengthen herself and GAL that after awhile, it really sticks, and she/he in effect "moves on". And you've said it yourself, right when you're happy, here he is coming back and "doing this" to you, and I think you feel pulled by him and also threatened by him. You're threatened that all you worked for will be taken away by him or taken away by the part of you who in the past would be taken in by words and not actions.
This is why you've gone "emotional", because your 2 selves are fighting it out, old self who wants him no matter what is going "talk to him", "engage with him", "he's saying I love you!" while new self is saying "are you crazy? look what you have gained! Be scared of this!"
I guess I am scared that I won't be able to be the person that I am today - fully. He is so dependant on me for everything, taking care of the finances the kids and now his emotional mess. I keep telling him that I can't fix his problems he has to figure out how to do that on his own. His reply? If we get back together you will still help me right?
It is so sad. He just doesn't get it. He needs help and I am not the person to fix him. He needs to be alone - but I know he won't. He will stay with her because they are both weak.
He is funny though - the one thing I have always loved about him. Last night he sent me a text (this was after my little blow up) and this is what it said - I laughed:
keep me updated on D13s volleyball game. love you. I mean hate you. I mean. oh whatever.
Anyway, I get my carpet installed today! yeah! maybe I can finally sell this beautiful money pit :-)
Happy Friday everyone - hope you all have a great weekend!!!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Ok so he wants you to be his therapist in a way...
Have you tried the "I want to help you but I am too biased/too close to the situation for that to work for either of us. But I'd be ok with it if we explored the idea of MC. Then the one "helping" is a 3rd party."
Maybe it's too soon for that, I don't know. But that's the part he isn't getting. You can't be helped to become detached from a partner enough to be self-reliant by having the attached partner HELP you do it. The only reason you gained your strength and independence, most likely, is because you didn't have him to "help" you do so. You had to do it either on your own or with the help of family and friends you weren't codependent with.
When I think about it, my XH's "plan" if he has one at all is to never spend one day of his life from age 20 on (and he's 45 now) without a woman. This sounds like your XH in that he's sounding like he's willing to break it off at some point for good with OW but only if you "help" him do it, which is completely messed up. All so he doesn't have to face any time alone.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I do not envy you’re position. You are one of the few people on these boards that know me very well. That said, then I hope that you see and understand what I am about to say and why.
Hopefully, you will notice that I did not add any quotes to this post, which should say something to you.
I will start with this……
“When the rubber meets the road”…..
This is where you are at IMO.
You have found some strength…I think we both know why and how. Totally understandable! Lord knows I have been there many many many times. That said, I also believe in my heart that the strength that you have found has always been in you. It was the fear of losing your H that kept you and the fear of change that kept the strength hidden.
What I have learned from all of this is that you must also feel anger. Not the anger that comes from feeling the love of someone else, hearing that what he is doing is wrong. NO. The anger should come from inside you, when you finally begin to truly value yourself…enough..that you come to realize that you deserve better than what your H is giving you now. TAMF, are you angry yet?
A couple of things to consider…
“Change” – it will happen either way you go. It is inevitable. Do you really think that if H comes back things will go right back to normal? They never will be. Ever. It is the reality of what has happened. Does this mean that you guys cannot piece back your R? No. It really is YOUR choice.
love{/b] – I can go on and on about love, about waiting, about loving someone enough to give them space. What I have learned is that this is an INDVIDUAL choice. The length of your stand, what you are willing to tolerate, for how long you tolerate it. At the end of the day, all of us, have a RIGHT to be loved. Loved the way we RECEIVE it. So ask yourself, can your H satisfy this? Maybe not now, but will he ever be able to satisfy it? You know the answer to this…the question is….are you strong enough to live the answer, strong enough to face down any fear that you may have. I think you are…but once again…this is where the rubber meets the road.
[b]honesty….Oh man have I learned how often we lie to ourselves to avoid facing or better yet, answer and living to tough choices we have to make. TAMF, for a while I was a closet “stander”…deep in my heart I yearned for XW to come back. I stood while being emotionally and physically connected to someone else. What I realized is that this is not fair to me, my XW or the person I was involved with. My advice…..chit or get off the bowl. If the other person is who you want, then face the fear and give it what you have. If it is your H, then stop screwing around…stand by your boundaries and timeline and RESPECT everyone involved in the process.
My advice is simple.
Take a step back for a day….sit in your bed and think about what it is that YOU REALLY want. Not what make you feel better, or safer, or lovable, or sexy….NO…what is it that YOU REALLY want.
Make your choice and then stop f*cking around and act on it.
It is that simple.
IF you want H back….for the right reason i.e. you love him, you can truly forgive him, you like being around him, he has the qualities that you are looking for in a partner, etc. Then stick to your boundaries give him and you some time (I even suggest that for yourself you come up with a timeline…not recommended on these boards but something that I think one must do) and IF what YOU need is not met, then cut him loose and move forward with the divorce. Stop playing game with him, with yourself, with the other person. In short, it is time for the rubber to meet the road.
TAMF, knowing you I can tell you that you are amazing person, an amazing woman. Ya remind me in many ways of the way my XW was. Don’t be afraid to lose that…personally, I do not think you will. That said, guard it, not for your H, not for the OP…for yourself.
Now that I am divorced….the feeling I have is of freedom. I am no longer tied to someone. The choice has been made. Do I still love XW? Yep…always will. Do I want to be with XW? No. Do I want to be with XW 5 years from now? I have no idea. What I do know is this……
The rubber has met the road for me…..
I wish you the best and I do not envy your sitch……
Do not be afraid…to fall in love with someone else that satisfies YOUR needs!
Do not be afraid of how your children will take it!
Do not be afraid of how it might work!
Do not be afraid of challenges that will present themselves!
Do not be afraid of “what people will say”!
Do not be afraid of the family!
IMO, once you decide and act….you will feel a lot better.
Be that with your H or with the new R.
A new beginning is GOOD…..
A new LOVE is GOOD….
Starting from scratch is GOOD….
Be that with your H or a new R.
I leave you with this…..
IMO, your H does not RESPECT YOU. Probably because up to recently you have never laid a boundary down. RESPECT YOURSELF TAMF, enough to do for YOU. I am not saying become a selfish person…no…I am saying….live your life and find your happiness…..
God Bless, Metro
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
E - first I am going to say that I love ya, then I am going to say that you suck You know me so well it is scary. Everything you said is right and you just have to slap me over the head with it. Can't wait for PEI to chime in - I need her advice too.
I need to figure my sitch out. I will.
I feel like a weeble wobble! back and forth, back and forth. I criticize H for never being able to make a decision and here I am doing the same thing.
I will do a lot of thinking alone over the weekend.
Do not be afraid…to fall in love with someone else that satisfies YOUR needs!
Do not be afraid of how your children will take it!
Do not be afraid of how it might work!
Do not be afraid of challenges that will present themselves!
Do not be afraid of “what people will say”!
Do not be afraid of the family!
IMO, once you decide and act….you will feel a lot better.
Be that with your H or with the new R.
A new beginning is GOOD…..
A new LOVE is GOOD….
Starting from scratch is GOOD….
Be that with your H or a new R.
I leave you with this…..
IMO, your H does not RESPECT YOU. Probably because up to recently you have never laid a boundary down. RESPECT YOURSELF TAMF, enough to do for YOU. I am not saying become a selfish person…no…I am saying….live your life and find your happiness…..
Thank you for these words E...you know i fear them. naturally want to take the path of least resistance. settle. This time I am seriously thinking about not settling
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I could have a lot of fun with this quote but I am not going to…I often said this about Mach, J3B, Grit, MHL, PEI, Trapt and so many others. At the end of the day I want the best for YOU….whatever that is. You tell me how I can help support you.
Quote:
Everything you said is right and
Stop saying I am right and……”let the rubber meet the road”
Quote:
I criticize H for never being able to make a decision and here I am doing the same thing.
You KNOW why you do this. Accept it and IF (and I stress IF) you do not like it…well then stop screwing around and CHANGE IT.
Quote:
Do not be afraid of how it might work!
Let me clarify this point…..
DO not be afraid or worry about all of the details. Things will happen when and how they are suppose to. Learn to feel comfortable and to TRUST YOUR CHOICES…even the hard ones. This is much easier said then done. I was not suggesting not to look at how things may work…rather trying to really tell you not to obsess over it. Once you decide what to do….let let it go and TRUST yourself and GOD.
Quote:
This time I am seriously thinking about not settling
NEVER DO. I did this before, chit have done it a lot over the past few years.
BE THE WOMEN YOU WANT TO BE…… Only YOU know what that is. And FTR, F what I or anyone else says...as someone once said to me....Me..."I am just words on a screen".
Make sure the RIGHT PART OF YOUR HEART and BODY is making the choice though…..
IF I, the new guy, PEI, or no one else was around…..what would YOU choose?
That answer sweetie is for YOU!
Got go…and make some money…damn alimony payments are killing me
God Bless, Metro NY Puerto Rican
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
We spend a lot of time lamenting how our WAS/MLCers seem to not realize there are consequences to their actions/choices. In fact, we spent A LOT of time talking about consequences. I'm gonna come back to this ...
TAMF,
What do you want? Do you want to be married and in love with your H? If so, WHY? (and you can't answer with "because I love him")
Can you even definitively answer those questions? Are your answers truly your answers or do they depend on what he does or does not do?
It's lonely to be continually rejected by the man you love. It's gotta be even worse since he's verbally appeasing you (which is part of what's keeping you in the game because one of your love languages is Words of Affirmation) and physically and socially rejecting you by continuing his affair.
Your self esteem takes quite a hit during this process. And I don't mean the surface "I am woman hear me roar" or "I look damn good" kind of self esteem either. I mean the self esteem that whispers to you in the dark when you're all alone "why am I not good enough to love?"
Ya know, sometimes I think we all just have to learn our lessons the hard way. I was warned. They called me on it. I said they were wrong ... I told them "I know" ...
Personally, I will commend you for your honesty in mentioning the OM you are having feelings for. You're not alone but many of us do not have the courage to bring it up. Some of us even denied it. I tried. The vets saw right through my assertations, justifications and rationalizations.
Earlier you emailed me "Why does this happen to me T? I didn't ask for it. I wasn't looking for it."
Isn't it amazing that the same phrases came out of our spouses mouths? I said it too. I also pretended, or maybe even originally believed, that it wasn't a factor in how "done" I was. They called me on that too. And it took me months to be honest with myself about it.
You opened yourself to the attention for many reasons. You engaged in reciprocal behaviour that would foster an emotional connection. You are damaged still and know it. What did you think would happen? I'm calling bullchit on the not asking for it and not looking for it. TAMF, there are consequences for our behaviour too.
IMO, and sure some will say maybe I shouldn't have one on this topic 'cause I sure screwed it up too ... but IMO, you need to truly decide what you want as it pertains to your marriage. Right now your choice should be unencumbered. Made based on it's own merit.
It's either H or not H.
Period.
If it's H, then you're "standing" as it were, and you need to focus on what that means to you (btw it does not include telling him you love him while he is shacked up with another woman!). IMO you don't stand and date. You don't stand but then accidentally fall for someone. You stand and live, but leave other people out of the equation.
If it's not H, then you need to figure out what you want. I was advised to make a list. A written, honest to goodness list. What a potential partner would have to be like, what qualities he would have to have, to be a strong, healthy partner for you. I also made a list of what I brought to the table as a partner. This list has to be faceless! That's the whole point! It can't be H or OM or the dreamboat from down the street ...
At any given point in the near or distant future you can change your mind. But it's time to start making conscious choices. You can draw your lines in the sand. Set your boundaries.
Doing this any other way confuses the issue. Do you feel strong right now? Do you feel like you would be happy without H? Hell yeah ... but is it truly because you are, or is it because you have someone telling you how strong, amazing, beautiful, caring, wonderful and deserving you are?
These answers are for you ...
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Shoot ... I knew I posted too quick ... I missed one of the points I wanted to make ...
Originally Posted By: PEI
I was advised to make a list. A written, honest to goodness list. What a potential partner would have to be like, what qualities he would have to have, to be a strong, healthy partner for you. I also made a list of what I brought to the table as a partner. This list has to be faceless! That's the whole point! It can't be H or OM or the dreamboat from down the street ...
This list should be made NOW. If you H is potentially your future partner then it applies to him too ...
Include everything you can think of ...
communication style
desired lifestyle
family relationships
proximity or ability to relocate
children
profession
...that's just the tip of the iceberg, literally, my list is huge ...
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I can only imagine.....1,750 pages of size 8 font!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You know me so well it is scary. Everything you said is right and you just have to slap me over the head with it. Can't wait for PEI to chime in - I need her advice too.