I do not envy you’re position. You are one of the few people on these boards that know me very well. That said, then I hope that you see and understand what I am about to say and why.
Hopefully, you will notice that I did not add any quotes to this post, which should say something to you.
I will start with this……
“When the rubber meets the road”…..
This is where you are at IMO.
You have found some strength…I think we both know why and how. Totally understandable! Lord knows I have been there many many many times. That said, I also believe in my heart that the strength that you have found has always been in you. It was the fear of losing your H that kept you and the fear of change that kept the strength hidden.
What I have learned from all of this is that you must also feel anger. Not the anger that comes from feeling the love of someone else, hearing that what he is doing is wrong. NO. The anger should come from inside you, when you finally begin to truly value yourself…enough..that you come to realize that you deserve better than what your H is giving you now. TAMF, are you angry yet?
A couple of things to consider…
“Change” – it will happen either way you go. It is inevitable. Do you really think that if H comes back things will go right back to normal? They never will be. Ever. It is the reality of what has happened. Does this mean that you guys cannot piece back your R? No. It really is YOUR choice.
love{/b] – I can go on and on about love, about waiting, about loving someone enough to give them space. What I have learned is that this is an INDVIDUAL choice. The length of your stand, what you are willing to tolerate, for how long you tolerate it. At the end of the day, all of us, have a RIGHT to be loved. Loved the way we RECEIVE it. So ask yourself, can your H satisfy this? Maybe not now, but will he ever be able to satisfy it? You know the answer to this…the question is….are you strong enough to live the answer, strong enough to face down any fear that you may have. I think you are…but once again…this is where the rubber meets the road.
[b]honesty….Oh man have I learned how often we lie to ourselves to avoid facing or better yet, answer and living to tough choices we have to make. TAMF, for a while I was a closet “stander”…deep in my heart I yearned for XW to come back. I stood while being emotionally and physically connected to someone else. What I realized is that this is not fair to me, my XW or the person I was involved with. My advice…..chit or get off the bowl. If the other person is who you want, then face the fear and give it what you have. If it is your H, then stop screwing around…stand by your boundaries and timeline and RESPECT everyone involved in the process.
My advice is simple.
Take a step back for a day….sit in your bed and think about what it is that YOU REALLY want. Not what make you feel better, or safer, or lovable, or sexy….NO…what is it that YOU REALLY want.
Make your choice and then stop f*cking around and act on it.
It is that simple.
IF you want H back….for the right reason i.e. you love him, you can truly forgive him, you like being around him, he has the qualities that you are looking for in a partner, etc. Then stick to your boundaries give him and you some time (I even suggest that for yourself you come up with a timeline…not recommended on these boards but something that I think one must do) and IF what YOU need is not met, then cut him loose and move forward with the divorce. Stop playing game with him, with yourself, with the other person. In short, it is time for the rubber to meet the road.
TAMF, knowing you I can tell you that you are amazing person, an amazing woman. Ya remind me in many ways of the way my XW was. Don’t be afraid to lose that…personally, I do not think you will. That said, guard it, not for your H, not for the OP…for yourself.
Now that I am divorced….the feeling I have is of freedom. I am no longer tied to someone. The choice has been made. Do I still love XW? Yep…always will. Do I want to be with XW? No. Do I want to be with XW 5 years from now? I have no idea. What I do know is this……
The rubber has met the road for me…..
I wish you the best and I do not envy your sitch……
Do not be afraid…to fall in love with someone else that satisfies YOUR needs!
Do not be afraid of how your children will take it!
Do not be afraid of how it might work!
Do not be afraid of challenges that will present themselves!
Do not be afraid of “what people will say”!
Do not be afraid of the family!
IMO, once you decide and act….you will feel a lot better.
Be that with your H or with the new R.
A new beginning is GOOD…..
A new LOVE is GOOD….
Starting from scratch is GOOD….
Be that with your H or a new R.
I leave you with this…..
IMO, your H does not RESPECT YOU. Probably because up to recently you have never laid a boundary down. RESPECT YOURSELF TAMF, enough to do for YOU. I am not saying become a selfish person…no…I am saying….live your life and find your happiness…..
God Bless, Metro
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
