I don't really know if I am having a down day.. just have alot of thoughts going through my head this morning.
It's been 2 months since D bomb, and 5 months since separation. It's hard to believe that its been 4.5 months since my w decided to cut me out of her life. 4.5 months since we stopped talking and hanging out. I know I still miss her, but there are parts of me that isn't sure if we would get along or if I'd enjoy her company today.
We definitely seem to be growing in different directions. I wonder if she misses me and our connection or if she too, like me, wakes up with it hurting a little less and accepting (even starting to enjoy) my new path.
I think deep down I wished she would have come out of her "fog", but I honestly don't see that happening. She's on a long journey to find herself. I still continue to believe that I am a reminder of the old her and until she can come to terms with that (if she ever will) I won't get to part of the new life.
Although I'm really happy with my progress, I'm struggling to stay on my path. Not that I don't want to show my thread title, it's just hard staying true to it when it's not having the results I want. I know deep down that's not why I show her grace and compassion, but the human side of me is disappointed that it hasn't made her want to be in my life, or keeps her believing that I will always be around.
I spoke to a friend last night. I was thinking of trying something new. I FB alot of my life and since I neither seem to have the strength or peace to delete my w from FB, I thought about posting less. I wanted to create a little mystery.
It's not like I FB every move, but I do FB about work, what I'm grateful for, Football, new experiences. Basically anything positive. It's one of the last threads of communication my w and I have. She doesn't comment often, but she does look and they are our conversation starters in the rare chance we do speak. I know she follows me. I haven't looked at her page in 3 months.
I guess I feel like this just enables her to "be in my life" w/o investing in my life. Idk if that makes sense.
My best friend didn't like the idea of posting less. He said that I should delete her (as does all of my friends) because it's slowing down my process of healing. I can't say that's he wrong with that statement.
He also admitted he is starting to hate my w. That he is bitter and angry at all the pain I'm in. He asked me if he could start calling her my XW. I said that as of now she is my w, and I won't call her my xw for awhile, but he could call her what he felt comfortable.
I also told him that his feelings were valid. He's my best friend and he has seen me at my worst. He's been so patient and so kind. He has watched my pain and watched my growth since S. It would make sense that those feelings would come up.
HOWEVER his feelings are not mine. I told him I have no intention of getting bitter or angry. I wake up every day forgiving my w and that although his journey is his.. my journey seems to be one of.. you guessed it.. love, grace, compassion, and faith.
Anyway.. my journal is getting long. I have more to post on the last two paragraphs.
As for the FB, I just don't really know what to do. I probably won't do anything. It's just stupid to give something like a website SO MUCH POWER.
It seems that whatever 180 I try to "make it work" will somehow to be twisted into w thinking either I will always be around, or that I'm just acting out of anger. I don't want to think for her, but I do still know her. However I act or whatever I do will be a consequence of her "figuring out who she is" and no matter if it's good or bad, she will continue on that path.
Therefore my 180s are for me alone and who I want to be. Doing stuff that I can be proud of regardless on if it has any effect on my w.
Still doesn't make it easy. Still doesn't mean I don't want to try new 180's or try to figure out what works and what doesn't.
I feel like I've learned alot about myself in the past 5 months. I'm not sure how much I've changed the dynamic of my m in the past 5 months.
Sorry for the long post.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
