Just don't understand...

[tjb54]

Marriage blowout, the awaking...

-July 18th:
Denied (sex) - As usuall I got upset. As I walked away, she says,

"Really?". I angerly retort, "I guess 2 times a month is enough for you!!"

Then head to bed pissed. What happened to, 'never go to bed angry?' Unknown to me earlier that afternoon she text a close friend of hers..
.
"H just called. Coming home from work acting as nothing is wrong. Let see how he acts when he's denied yet again... lol"

A preemptive denial??? Really? Purpose?

-July 19th:
Had the talk. Says she needs time to think about our marriage, relationship, what she wants, what she needs?

Her - Major complaints pointed out to me.

~1. "You get mad when your hungry and you get mad when your denied sex. You take it out on me and the kids and that's not right."
Entirely true and boy do I feel like an ass. To tell you the truth, I kind of wish we would've had this blowout years ago. Would've rather changed then and saved everyone years of my torment. Holly crap! Just how shitty can one feel about themselves knowing they've hurt the ones they love the most.

~2. You're turning into your father. (unpleasant to even think about) A definate stomach turner!

~3. She likes going out with friends. (I've no problem with that) Does she feel guilty of that?

~4. States that I'm anti-social.

Not entirely true. I'm content with being a homebody. I still love going out with my wife. It seems though that that opportunity rarely happens though. I sense that she prefers my absence. Like she doesn't have to 'act' a certain way or answer to anyone when I'm around. I don't know. I love my wife and kids. As far as I am/was concered, I married my best friend! She enjoys going out, It would've been nice to know that she'd like me there with her though.

~5. Sex - Say she gives & give and receives nothing in return.

She's got a too do list a mile long. In all fairness, she's right. I should've been working on them one at a time, but saw them as one large depressing pile that showed no end in sight. In retrospect, I felt as that's all I did, 'work'. It's exhausting! I use to look forward to the weekends. As of recent years though, the workdays never seemed to end. What is the weekend anymore? No time to deflate. So it seemed anyway. Yeah, yeah. Pity party time.

I honestly believe that she has no clue at all what sex means to me. To her I believe that she just thinks it's just a act that means nothing to me except to climax. To me it's the "ONLY" way that allows me to feel connected to her emotionally and physically. We're not hand holder, snugglers, cuddlers, or any other kind of physical affection. I take some of that back. We kiss each other 'goodnight' and tell each other "I love you". The physical act gives me the feeling that I'm one with my wife. There was no greater feeling knowing that she allows me to love her in that way... Now to find out that it was a 'chore' and not desired was a slash to my heart. Yet another failing act placed upon myself. How could I have been so blind? Yet, how can she not understand either?

Another thought. Why would she tell her friends and family that I was opposed to counseling? When we had the initial talk I strongly suggested seeing a Counselor. Quote: "If your feeling all these things and everything is as bad as it is, then we need to see a counselor asap! We need to nip this in the bud now." She tells me that she just needs time to figure things out.