Feels Like I'm In Two-a-Days

[25yearsmlc]

"This seems to be a pattern with several of us around here. Our WASs are harboring hurts from the past. They are not learning the true meaning of forgiveness."

I think one huge reason couples don't reconcile as often is b/c either the LBSer can't/won't forgive, OR the

WAS thinks the LBSer won't be able to...

The term I've learned regarding this is "Injustice Collector".

I call it "scorecards/grievance list"...but i get your point.

And it seems to be more prevalent in women - sorry, not trying to be sexist here. My W is still angry at her mother for things that happened 40 years ago, and at me for something I jokingly said 11 years ago. She can recall arguments and thoughtless words between us that occurred years ago, and from which I had comp[b]letely moved on.

Those issues run very deep and there is nothing we can do to even begin to help. [/b]

Small bone to pick w/you on this one^^^. IF An issue/event has been discussed and a real apology issued, it ought to be done with, FINI.
Letting go is a huge favor you do for yourself first, imo.
Otherwise it's like saying

"Holding onto anger to hurt someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes..."

The problem for me is when the person (h or w) "wrongs" the other spouse (assume for this purpose that there was an actual 'wrong')

and the "wronging" party doesn't say they're sorry or that they "get" that they hurt their spouse,

then the hurt/wronged spouse is left with the question "are they going to do this again? Do they know they wronged me? Why should I trust h/w not to do that again if they won't even apologize?"

Years later the hurt party appears to be nursing a grudge and gets blamed for not knowing how to forgive. The spouse that hurt the other says "You hold onto everything...I swear"...

But it might turn out that the late night at the bar on the night she gave birth to their baby,

was something he never owned up to or even acknowledged, so next time she's pregnant, she brings it up and he pooh poohs it...
&she gets very nervous/distrustful...

It's not always about not forgiving b/c maybe she wants to-- but she doesn't feel safe enough to "trust in the now"...

Make sense?


It is completely up to the person suffering from these unforgiven hurts to admit they need counseling to deal with them and move on with their own lives.