I'm in shock, found out he has pursued OW, help

[aeolianchaos]

Ctflor,

I'm sorry you are going through this experience right now. It is unpleasant and there is no way around it. The best that can be said is that in going through it there may be a whole lot to gain for you, if not your M.

Much like donating bone marrow as opposed to a random accident, meaningful pain is a lot easier to endure than pointless suffering.

My fear about detaching is...if i do this, he may see it as another reason to get going. He wants to end things because he says he has no chemistry with me.

Why do you want to continue to allow your well-being to be so enmeshed with someone elses actions?

Do you want your husband to only stay if he is worried about feeling guilty for hurting you?

Do you think that is the most you can expect from a M?


Everyone seems to worry about this - if I detach or GAL or have PMA, will it give permission to my S to move forward in leaving me? I know I did for a while, and it seems like many others do so too.

For me, framing it in terms of my own integrity helped to solidify that shift in thinking. Maybe its different for you.. a lot of people start off doing it because it does less harm than continuing the old dramatizing behavior, but soon discover that "oh, I like myself and my life better this way." And they continue for whatever intrinsic benefits they discover.

Either way - continuing to be attached doesn't make a lot of sense right now: you KNOW that he doesn't have your interests in mind, and you KNOW that he isn't willing to be trustworthy. So why not detach from all of that and stand for yourself rather than wait for him to do it?

Heck - it might shake things up a bit for him.