I'm Still Here Pt Deux

[~¤DG¤~]

So I totally did something tonight that I am surprised I had the balls to do.
H's mail has been sitting here for 2 months. Today I told myself if it was still there when I got home from work I was going to bring it to him.
Sure enough, it was there.
I drove to his work (he works at a convenience store) and I am surprised I had the strength to walk in.
His back was to me as I walked in, so I walked up to the counter and said his name. When he looked up, it took him a second to register it was me, and he looked surprised.
He said hi, and I said hi and handed him his stack of mail. He said thank you and I told him he was welcome and turned around and left.

I wasn't even out of the parking lot before I broke down.

Half way home he sent me a text saying it was good to see me and that I look good.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

[~¤DG¤~]

I don't know why, I was hoping maybe he'd see me and realize what he's walking away from. I just didn't want the last time I saw him to be outside of my C's office.

[jbnati]

(((()))) Hugs to you DG.

It's hard to say what the impact really was. He noticed something, but it doesn't sound like it made a big of a splash as you had hoped.

[~¤DG¤~]

That's the thing jb..I really wasn't looking for it to make a splash.
Do I want him to miss me? Of course. I legitimately did it so I could give him his mail. You don't know how bad I wanted to throw my arms around him.

[jbnati]

You don't know how bad I wanted to throw my arms around him.

DG, I know what you mean. I'm sure you wanted even more for him to hug you back.

[~¤DG¤~]

He probably would have. He has always been a super affectionate person.
But I didn't.
I don't know why I did it...next time I am really going to have to think things through before I do them.

[LearningPatience]

DG, I'm of the opinion that sometimes we have to do something different, surprising, unlike us. I think you shook up the dynamic for both you and your H. What the long term impact will be, who knows. The pain now, yeah, I completely get that. But... it sounds like you were somewhat stuck, and maybe this was the little push to get you unstuck.

Big hugs DG! You deserve them!

[~¤DG¤~]

All I know is this hurts. So bad.
I feel like dying. No, I won't hurt myself. I promise.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling---

Slept like sh*t. Cried myself to sleep and now my eyes feel like they are swollen. I'm hoping for a quiet day at work today.

I feel numb.

[LearningPatience]

Good morning DG, sorry about your rough night. I'm a bit down myself today. Maybe we can commiserate separately together