I have not had any help here in VA for the GAD for 2 reasons. First, when I was in the crisis center, I fell through the cracks for 4 days, and finally decided to leave because I had online schooling and could not be withdrawn, I would end up owing over 6k. Second I had an appt scheduled for Wed last week, but the decision that we agreed for me to go to NY made no sense for 1 appt then quit. So waiting for NY have appt already at a therapist there. $10 sliding fee co-pay. For me they will be harder, She gives me hints that all will get better once I am up there, and this patience thing and "yet to prove myself" words that she says. I am thinking she just does not want to believe my words and needs actions to back them up before she takes that leap.
She has told me that our marriage was ok (less than ideal but ok) before the infidelity. From that point, I have, and she agrees, that my game playing was the largest issue and all the smaller issues were a result. She claims that at the moment she wants to be single and have that freedom. I told her that I feel the reason she did not want to "be married any more" was due to her experience of a poor marriage. That given the chance and opportunity (in time) I would offer her the marriage the way it was meant and supposed to have been in our past. She has noted to me on several occasions that she cannot decide this so long as I am in the house as I am now. I need to be away, and NY is the only option I have save sleeping at a shelter (which would be pointless without work in the area).
We are going to keep in touch and with the kids as well as much as possible. I believe that she needs the time and space, and as for the "single life" we have 3 kids, not sure how much of that she'll be able to enjoy. My biggest concern now; even if I prove myself worthy of her love and chance, what is the likely hood that I can win her heart over if she (so far) seems so adamant that she does not want to do it again. Is the way she feels normal for Walk-away-spouse? How often does it change. Will she miss me while I am gone?
I have for the past week proved to the best I can who I want to be toward her, we are getting along better, and still very little if any affection. She "dos not see me that way". Hugs are hard to get, she does not always move away with touches (non sexual). I know she is still mad at me and she has told me, "You have done nothing yet to prove yourself, and I do not believe this change is real you have done it before". She also claims to have no love in her heart for me at all save for the fact that I cam the father of her children. But I am here, she reads my letters, she listens and talks to me, and she apologizes when I ask her to not be mean to me. Is that just caring and compassion, or is there some love there and she just does not know or will not admit it? I do believe she will miss me a little, I also know my children will. Will that be enouph.
So after more talk and whatnot, she has basically said that I need to goto NY for two reasons mainly. I have better odds there of improving myself and proving my changes to her while there, in terms of contact with the kids, job opportunities, and living arrangements. She needs me to go to test herself, whether he wants me by her side, to miss me or not, or even if she wants to be married.
I will need advice on what to do from afar to give her the most reason to believe that being married to the man I am (not was) would be in the best interest of her and our children. She says she likes the man I am, but she does not want to be in a relationship now. But never once has she said anything of the sort that implies a NO Not gunna happen...always I do not know what I want yet.
We have become closer friends, we touch minor, strokes of the back, arms, hair out of the face. She says she can see I am a better person, but only in NY can I prove my worth if she chose that.
I just need all the help I can get in NY to not make any mistakes.
Wait a minute. She had an affair. Now you must leave the house. And you must leave your kids. And you must leave the state. All of this to prove yourself to her? Sounds like she is pulling one over on you to get you out of the picture, not only with her but the kids too. You dont need to leave, she just wants you to.
If you leave VA without a costody order and filing she will 1) prevent you from returning, 2) move another man into the house, and 3) hit you with child support and possibly spousal support which will be deducted from any job you can get in NY.
Even if you find great success in NY sorting our your life and getting a good job, why in this situation would she ever want you back?
My advice to you would be to do everything you can to stay in the house as long as possible, do everthing you can to find any job, and spend and document as much time with the kids as you can. If you must leave, make sure you are legally protected first.
No no, sorry for that confusion...the OM is only a friend now..no matter how it looks, I know my wife of nine years, and she has even showed me conversations she has had with him on the phone..it is "over" in that way between them. They are only friends and she is even unsure of that..he is 2 hours away with no money for gas and in school (college). He lied to her about something really important about two weeks ago and they have dwindled their "talks" since.
Staying in the house is not an option because it is only rented and she is moving with no plan for me to go with her. NY is my only option.
We have agreed (as she says) that this is the way it is now, when has no future thoughts at the moment, she is open to the idea that we can be together again, just not thinking about it now. We had a conversation this morning about being best friends regardless of what happens. Also the new apartment has a one year lease and I would not be able to stay there even if she changed her mind. 2 people per room, 2 bedroom apt. her and 3 kids. I cannot be there without a lease break. She told me that she wouldn't break the lease (not meanly) even if she decided to take e back..she would have to pan out the year.
I cracked a bit and came online and decided ultimately to do the Last Resort and firmly go to NY..tomorrow. I feel that based on this last wonderful week with her (as friends)has given her the mindset that we can be best friends forever, better than a bad marriage. She may not be thinking about staying married due to the promise of a long lasting friendship. I basically foot downed today and said, "You know, I am not sure I can do this anymore like this. I think this best friend idea is not going to work. I think that when I go to NY, I will keep in touch with the children and send you money. But I feel that we should probably not have too much conversation. I have told you that the most important thing in my life is marriage and family, and you just shoot me down - I am not sure if I could handle us being 'just friends'." Then I walked away upstairs. 5 minutes later she came up and told me she was sorry, please don't be mad, let's just take it one day at a time, neither of us know what is going to happen. I said yes that is what I am doing, one day at a time, and today I need to go get that rental truck so I can get out of her (not meanly). It's already working.
I will go to NY and follow through for now. I will be able to pay for the broken lease in November if she finally comes around.
But to clarify, at this time there is no OM. And legally, I know she wouldn't keep the kids from me. As I have said, out relationship is not as bad as my words may make it sound.
