Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

OK, so that's one more book on my reading list (I am an excruciatingly slow reader, so I will be busy for a while). Passionate Marriage. Gotcha.

...what I'm probing for here is to get you to reflect on the level of satisfaction, pleasure, relief, benefits, etc.. of your changes and how they benefit you personally. I'd especially be interested to know about changes you might make that lead to you liking yourself or respecting yourself more.

Well, gosh darn it, that means I have to think a lot harder! And my brain already hurts.

OK, I have been working more on keeping up the house, both in terms of cleanliness and repair. I feel a lot less hopeless and stressed out than when the housework gets behind (ever seen a 3 bedroom house filled with a couple and 5 kids?), and I feel like I deserve a little more respect and recognition than when I sat helplessly by and watched things deteriorate.

It is also a great relief when I have managed to let W have her "cranky" times and just walk away, rather than getting offended or pursuing it as though it were a conflict to be resolved. I feel a lot less stress knowing that by giving a quick apology and letting her accept or reject this I can make things much less tense in the house. In contrast to my previous habit of following her around, begging her for forgivenness every time she became annoyed with something.

Even though it is not the healthiest release for me, I appreciate the fact that I can choose to watch the TV or a funny movie, even if that is not what W wants to do. It really sounds funny to type that out, but previously I was so hung up on us being together all the time, I wanted everything I did to be with her. Wow, the more I type about this, the more pathetic I sound to me.

When you talk about being good at extremes, but struggling with balance and moderation. Can you consider the metaphor of a Zero Center Meter, with the needle in the middle?

I have no trouble conceptualizing this idea. It is easy to consider the idea that the best strategy is in a balance between extremes. So visualizing the meter is not the hard part.

There are two challenges. First, figuring out exactly where the "zero" mark in the middle is. And, far more difficult, convincing myself in the moment not to go for an extreme. That is, when I realize that I have gone to far to the left, then my automatic inclination is to go all the way to the right. I tend to be overreactive. I really have to force myself to calm down and keep a steady course.

I find it interesting that you acknowledge that perhaps your apologies serve a different purpose than simply reflecting an insight that you did something that you regret or have remorse for. Do you think that your W perceives them this way as well?

Do you think that its possible to get insight into your W's response to you finishing her sentences without it becoming another argument? How important is it for you to understand WHY she got upset in the way that she did?

W has frequently expressed to me her perception that I often apologize to her not because I see that I was wrong, but to end a conflict. Naturally, as this often happened in arguments, I would deny it angrily. Only when I realized that these arguments were costing us our R did I really give it any serious thought. Now, sometimes, I recognize it when it happens or shortly after. Usually, in the moment, I feel like I am in self-preservation mode, and act to try to reduce the tension between us, which feels threatening to me.

I think it would be very useful to ask W what my finishing her sentences means to her. Even if it did nothing else, it could demonstrate my willingness to listen to how she feels. Hopefully, however, it would find its way into my brain and help me to alter my responses.

I don't think there is anything creepy in what you wrote.

I was afraid that it might come across as TMI, giving that kind of specific about our sex life. I'm glad it didn't offend.

she chose to wake you and ask you to participate as opposed to having sex alone.

Well, we are kinda old school Catholics, so masturbation is out. Not that we can't enjoy ML playfully or with gusto (a lot of people have some misconceptions about our religion), but it has to be with each other (on a side note, I can tell you that this particular stricture can be a real challenge for a man to comply with - I can't speak for the women). I guess that is where some of the insecurity came in. I was wondering if she might have just wanted to be satisfied, and was worried that the only reason she wanted me was that was the only way she could do it without breaking her morals. After speaking with my IC, I felt a little better. We just literally had never had sex that way, and not wanting the "face contact," made me insecure as to whether any part of it was about wanting me, or whether it was just about wanting "sex."

It is also important to me that, in this whole period in our marriage, sex has been almost the only place where there has been any tenderness between us. So I kind of felt lonely afterward.

do you think its possible that F**King could possess emotional depth in its own way?

Okay, that idea just makes my head reel. Maybe I'll give it some more thought later. Right now, I have to get to karate class - very important part of my GAL.