None of us want to believe, in fact we CAN'T believe that the person we've devoted our lives to, the person we expected to be with forever could do these things. My H was the LAST person in the world I could have ever imagined doing what he's done. With that said, whatever they go through, be it MLC, normal aging and unhappiness, or some other syndrome, they aren't themselves. The dark sole-less eyes are a sign that there is something wrong.
Unfortunately there is nothing that you can do to help him get through what he is going through. The OW is a symptom, and regardless of whether this one responds, he may seek out another. I'm sorry, but that seems to be how it works around here.
I'm one of the slower learners here, but I have been around for a long time - and "get" things now and then. I make very tiny baby steps forward. What I can tell you is that you will get through this. You will find a way to cope and you will find strength that you never knew you had. You have to find strength for yourself to get through, and you have to be strong for your D.
Your H is going through something very complicated - something you will never understand (although read as much as you can - the MLC resources on this site are a good start), and something you can't help him with (although you will want to try like the majority of us here have).
Take care of yourself, physically, emotionally and legally. You should consider medical help, an antidepressant or anti-anxiety med. The first thing that will help is being able to sleep and eat. You have to be healthy to be strong for you and D. Find a friend or friends that you can talk to (that won't try to steer you in any direction), and come here and post whatever is on your mind. I can tell you from personal experience, your H doesn't want to hear it. Anything you say to him now will be more fuel to justify what he is doing, thinking of doing or planning down the road. Consider therapy for yourself - talking to someone that can listen without bias is often a HUGE help. And, at some point you will need to think about protecting yourself legally. Trust me, I know how scary this sounds - and you will be hoping and praying to never need legal help, but irrational sole-less people often make very bad decisions in life and protecting yourself and your D needs to come first. I know that you hope and pray that your nightmare will end and your H will wake up and realize what he's doing, and I hope for that for you too. However, being protected and informed is never a bad thing.
You have received very good advice about not snooping and learning to detach - and trust me I've been there too. Feeling like you HAVE to know, that knowing will help - only to find that it doesn't; and feeling like there is no way I can let go. But letting go is important to helping you through this. Read the resources. Listen to those veterans that post here. And.....breathe.
When I first came here I didn't think I could live without my H. I was desperate, like most of us that come here. I gradually learned that I can survive. And you will learn the same thing. It takes time. I'm still very much a work in progress, but it's true what they say around here. DBing is not just about trying to save your M - it's learning how to save yourself, because (especially with MLC) saving your M is hard to do when you are dealing with an alien - but there is a world of things you can do to save yourself.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
