I hope the retreat will serve as an awakening to her and be a time of spiritual renewal. God can do mighty things!
lc4, I hope so, too, and I'm praying for it. I believe that God can do mighty things - He may have something in store that's even bigger than I can imagine.
My GAL'ing was busted last night. I ended up working kind of late at home, then I remembered I needed to pay bills. I could've paid the bills tonight, but I will have my S tonight. Those dang repsonsibilities getting in the way of my GAL'ing! #@%^@$ So no movie.
Another grey day here in my area of the country. It's raining, too. And cool. Still managed to work in a 8.6 mi. bike ride this morning - it was wet out, sprinkling, and 60 degrees.
My W called around Noon today for today's Drama of the Day (at least so far, hopefully there's not any more today). She had a hard time again with our S. They went out to dinner. He had a meltdown. He was telling her he was having a hard time at school, he's being bullied, etc. She asked if I had the same experience with him. I haven't. I told her he sounded like a totally different kid than the one I'm used to. He had another meltdown at bedtime, too. She was wondering if he had some deeply rooted issues or if he was just playing her. I just said it was probably both. For the most part, I just listened. I didn't really try to fix anything. I didn't place any blame. I did thank her for letting me know.
We had talked about getting him set up with some counseling during the last rough time she had with him. She was going to contact one of his teachers from last year since she used a C for her S. She was just following up on it today. One thing I didn't mention to her and that one thing our MC suggested when I went to him after bomb #2. He suggested our S is imitating my W.
I'd like to think this is the first sign of my W's idealized lifestyle crumbling. However, she probably doesn't see it that way. I'm sure she'd never buy the imitation theory suggested by our MC, either. Unfortunately, she is seeing it as his problem.
One thing that was disturbing during this was she suggested / threatened to change his school because "she doesn't need a repeat of fourth grade". That's the right way to deal with it! Just walk away.
One thing I didn't mention to her and that one thing our MC suggested when I went to him after bomb #2. He suggested our S is imitating my W.
I'd like to think this is the first sign of my W's idealized lifestyle crumbling. However, she probably doesn't see it that way. I'm sure she'd never buy the imitation theory suggested by our MC, either. Unfortunately, she is seeing it as his problem.
One thing that was disturbing during this was she suggested / threatened to change his school because "she doesn't need a repeat of fourth grade". That's the right way to deal with it! Just walk away.
OK, done venting now.
I think the WAS will spin anything and everything to validate their choices so I wouldn't be surprised if she refused to consider that S is "imitating" her.
Perhaps, you can use this situation as a chance to teach your S that when things get tough, that running away is not always the best solution. I mean why wouldn't S think running away (or changing schools) is a solution - especially when Mommy did it.
In our school district, there is a zero tolerance bully program so when D was bullied in Grade 8, we had a meeting with the school counselor and principal to come up with a series of solutions. These involved not only dealing with the bully and her behaviours but educating my daughter in standing up for herself, not being afraid to report any further incidents, counseling (in school) for both the bully and my D together and apart, etc. (Btw, that bully and my D are now friends). And my D truly understands that it was more about the bully than her. A good lesson in that, I think.
Anyway, I'm sorry your S is going through this, jb. I have no doubt that he is reacting to the effects of your separation.
I think the WAS will spin anything and everything to validate their choices so I wouldn't be surprised if she refused to consider that S is "imitating" her.
Yep, very true. The "imitating theory" has never been mentioned to her BTW. Probably just a cheeseless tunnel.
Originally Posted By: Endeavour
Perhaps, you can use this situation as a chance to teach your S that when things get tough, that running away is not always the best solution. I mean why wouldn't S think running away (or changing schools) is a solution - especially when Mommy did it.
Yes, that's my full intention. The good news is my S is very opposed to the idea. I get angry every time my W brings it up, because IMO it would teach him some bad life lessons.
Our school district also has a zero tolerance bully program. They educate on bullying fairly heavily. It's more like it's a buzzword my S has learned that he knows will push my W's buttons. He rarely brings it up to me. That either means he's afraid to tell me about it or he's just primarily pushing my W's buttons. I hope it's the latter and I have good reason to believe it is. Also, he seems to accentuate the positive around me and the negative around my W. Hmmmm....
The GAL'ing was pretty low key tonight, if you want to even call it that. I had my S tonight and it's a school night. Dinner was pretty effortless as I had made a batch of baked ziti on Monday night for the week. Had some music going at dinner time, so it lightened things up a bit. It's just been a rainy day here with the temperature hovering around 60-65 all day. We just went in the basement for awhile and played on the Wii. Just enjoying hanging out with my S tonight.
He seemed to be in good spirits tonight. No complaints about school - he said it was good. We really didn't talk about last night at Mom's, though if he had brought it up, I would've talked about it with him.
Hi JB, did you ask your S about the bullying specifically? As an outsider looking in it does seem to me like this is him acting out, maybe partially because of school, partially your sitch. Do you talk to him much about that?
Generally speaking it seems like men are 'fixers' and women are 'venters'- I know this was something my H and I had issues with. I would try to just vent about whatever and he immediately started telling me how to fix it. But all I wanted to do was get it off my chest. Not saying this is how you are, I have no idea and you seem like an amazing dad. Is there any possibility your S is more comfortable venting to your W?
I do agree with you on switching schools- bad message to send a kid, to cut and run if things get tough. If he was in danger that's one thing, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
Hi JB, did you ask your S about the bullying specifically? As an outsider looking in it does seem to me like this is him acting out, maybe partially because of school, partially your sitch. Do you talk to him much about that?
No, in this case specifically, I did not. He talked about it a bit over the summer when he was going to day camp. He said he was being bullied there. It seemed like it amounted to he was being teased. I will talk to him about our situation, but I will let him bring it up.
Originally Posted By: realormakebeliev
Is there any possibility your S is more comfortable venting to your W?
There is that possibility. She is Mom. She also is much more likely to react to any drama he creates. He has established a reputation for creating drama, even when we were still together. My W has reacted drastically at times to his drama. Sometimes, she tends to take his drama to the point of where it's a reflection on her.
Side story: In fact, the Monday before the bomb (#2), my W and S were out and had just gotten home. My S came in the house, and I was expecting my W to come in shortly thereafter. I gave it several minutes. I found my W in the car in the driveway, completely exasperated. I tried to give her the chance to vent. She said she just wanted to be alone. I went ahead and climbed in frustrated about our S having meltdowns every once in a while. It was almost to the point where I think she was severely embarrassed. I took the time that night to sit down with my S and just talk to him. He seemed to improve dramatically after that.
I think both my W and I are fixers. She's more a quick fixer, and I'm more of a troubleshooter. I think both approaches have their merits and drawbacks.
Met my S for lunch today at school. Smuggled in some Chipotle. I will continue to do this as long he'll allow me to do it. He was happy to see me.
Did have the opportunity to talk to his teacher. He really didn't have anything too significant to report. My S got in trouble for harassing another student and had a minor meltdown because he got in trouble, but that was about it.
I'll keep an eye on it, but he very well could be acting out against my W.
So no movie.
