already I shake my head and actually laugh...H is still staying at his apt. with OW, but they have broken up? WHATEVER. This is stupid.
I was on the phone last night and he text me "I love you" when I got off the phone I just turned my phone off and went to sleep. no reply.
This morning he showed up at the house with coffee and to see the girls. He then took them to school. He came back to the house because he is going to do a bunch of yard work today for a showing of our house we have this weekend.
I thanked him for the coffee and left the house.
Same ol' story just a different day.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I just received a message from someone that I care about very much...he suggested that I clarify my mindset on the boards. I am telling you all what my H is doing and my reactions to him, but I am not telling you the extent of my confusion.
Does he have options on where he can sleep?
Yes!
1. I told him that he could stay at the house and I would stay with my mom and dad. They live across the street and this wouldn't disrupt the children.
2. He can move in with his buddy that he lived with for months in the beginning of our relationship.
3. He could get his own apt.
He instead is choosing to stay in his apt. with her until they can get out of the lease they are in. This proves to me that they only said they broke up, but they can't let go.
I asked him if I can text her and confirm that it is really over. He said, no - just leave the poor girl alone. she has been through enough. I said, can you have her text me then that it is over. He said yes he would ask her to do that.
I have never gotten a text from her.
Also, and this is something I just admitted to myself. It is painful to admit. The part of me that would consider getting back together with my H is really just wanting him to be away from her. My girls HATE her. They have so much anxiety over her being in their lives that it terrifies me. If I choose to go back to him, my girls would never have to meet her. I would be protecting them.
So what does that say for me? that I am willing to settle for a man that wants to be with me because I am the path of least resistance. staying together for the kids? we would both be doing ourselves an injustice.
Lastly, I have started to have genuine feelings for someone else. I haven't mentioned this before, because in all honesty I have kept it separate and private. but I am honest with myself when I say I have looked at this situation with my H all by itself. In the end, I am going to make the best choice for me.
I WANT TO SCREAM I AM SO MAD - he does this to me right when I am so happy. I am living my life. I am no longer in pain.
Now I am consumed with this confusion, doubt, anger, love...
I was asked "what was your goal by DBing? Do you know how many people who would love to have the opportunity you are recieving?"
Am I really recieving an opportunity? or more pain. more anxiety. more doubt.
So far he is just a smooth talker...
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
TAMF - That sounds truly frustrating. Actions speak louder than words and his actions don't seem so positive/productive.
From what I saw you post earlier, he seemed to be hurt a bit by you not texting him that you loved him back. The fact that you didn't reply this time after his "awakening" probably stings him a bit.
I hope you can find balance between your heart and mind about your current relationship. Sometimes, what is right for you just kind of ends up making the most sense when you least expect it.
I asked him if I can text her and confirm that it is really over. He said, no - just leave the poor girl alone. she has been through enough. I said, can you have her text me then that it is over. He said yes he would ask her to do that.
WTF! really? SHE has been through enough? Hmm, she broke up not one but two Ms. I think she is getting everything she deserves.
Quote:
he does this to me right when I am so happy. I am living my life. I am no longer in pain.
I honestly think he needs to show you he can make it alone for awhile. His codependency on is partner is leading his life.
You gave him options on where to stay yet he goes back to OW.
You stated the 3 things you need. when he "smooth talks" you again refer back to what you stated. Tell him these 3 things are non-negotiable.
I don't envy your position right now. I was there last year about this time with my stbx.
She saw me very happy, she commented on the changes I made, and she KNEW she was losing me. She was right on all three accounts.
My mistake was taking her back to easily and I didn't have a road back to recovery.
Piecing is so difficult.
All I can say is he needs to SHOW you he can be trusted again.Trust does not come overnight, it comes with consistent actions everyday. It will also require huge sacrifices on his part. Can/will he do it? only times knows.
Take one day at a time. When he texts you with I love yous, say thanks.
When he asks why you don't say it in return say: "I don't know how I feel about you right now"
Take one day at a time.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
WTF! really? SHE has been through enough? Hmm, she broke up not one but two Ms. I think she is getting everything she deserves.
this is what I deal with. All he does is defend her.
Thank you for the ideas on what to say when he texts "i love you". I always remember how I felt in the beginning right after the bomb dropped and I would tell him I loved him. His reply "I know" was crushing. I hate to hurt him, but I can't lead him on either. I know I will always love my husband. but he can't keep hanging on to me as a back up plan.
I will continue to state my 3 guidelines!
On a side note...something that is interesting. With or without me in the picture thier relationship is doomed. THAT is why they are breaking up, not because he LOVES me and only me and wants to come home. Let me explain:
OW started her own little crisis at the same time my H did. I won't call it MLC as she was only 27 when it started. She had only been married for 3 years - to a great guy btw. and she found out she can't have kids. this info destroyed thier plans for what they wanted in life. All she wanted was a family. sooo as a bartender she would talk to him about her problems and he would talk to her about his. EA starts leads to PA.
Now she finds out after a surgery that she CAN have children. My H is fixed. can you see the problem? My girls think she is the devil and refuse to meet her. His family hates her, her family hates him. They are trying to be realistic by just breaking up because it is the right thing to do and the best for everyone. And I quote him "if her and I end it, the only ones who get hurt are the 2 of us, we stay together we are the only ones who are happy and we hurt everyone"
NEWS FLASH!!!
As I am typing, H sent me a text that he is ordered to go to work. and I LOVE YOU.
I reply: be careful at work. Thank you for loving me.
His reply: so that is what you are saying now?
My reply (which was too emotional): darn it H this is f-ing hard - u tell me u broke up with her yet u r still living with her. u keep telling me over and over that u love me but darn it I will not be your back up plan! don't keep hurting me I beg u.
No reply so far.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
As I am typing, H sent me a text that he is ordered to go to work. and I LOVE YOU.
I reply: be careful at work. Thank you for loving me.
His reply: so that is what you are saying now?
My reply (which was too emotional): darn it H this is f-ing hard - u tell me u broke up with her yet u r still living with her. u keep telling me over and over that u love me but darn it I will not be your back up plan! don't keep hurting me I beg u.
TAMF what are you doing???
YOU are playing his game. Every time he texts you he is testing you.
As you said, your last text is too emotional. I would have to agree with you.
Quote:
As I am typing, H sent me a text that he is ordered to go to work. and I LOVE YOU.
I reply: be careful at work. Thank you for loving me.
His reply: so that is what you are saying now?
Why reply at all? The less you say the more he has to SHOW you.
By not verbally communicating(or at least being short and about the kids only) with him he has a decision to make. 1. He will show you through his actions. 2. He will give up because it's too hard.
Either way, you let him decide and you benefit from either choice he makes.
If you're in a good place right now then time is on your side. Stay strong and calm. You can do it. gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
As you will read I was strong in the beginning when she first attempted to come back. I later made mistakes by NOT letting her SHOW me what she wanted.
A soft rejection in the beginning is necessary IMO. Phrases like: I'm not sure how I feel about that now I need time to think about that
And take your time answering those questions. take days or weeks to think about them. What's one week in the whole process?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Just because you DBed in the past, and that's "why" you came to the boards in the first place, doesnt' mean you are somehow held to the standard you set for yourself THEN.
The way I see it, there are all sorts of types of divorces that people try to "bust." Some of them are busted in a time frame that is smaller than the MLC one--by a lot--and as a result, and due to the circumstances of WHY the divorce occurred, there is less fallout, damage, and bridges burned. Because the time frame is so much shorter, and the damage potentially less (as in, if you have a partner who has a fling who immediately WANTS to come back and work things out with you, that's far different from one who is blaming you for everything in the world going wrong who is holding the affair up as a wonderful fated thing...)with some divorces, the busting means that the LBS isn't a drastically different person on the other side.
HOWEVER, in the case of MLC, we hear over and over how important it is to become our own people, fully capable of living independently and being happy without the spouse, because in most cases, there isn't going to be a reconciliation. I'm not trying to kill people's hope here, but let's be realistic, the reconciliations after an extended MLC are rare.
Part of the reason to me that they are rare is that the LBS does so much to strengthen herself and GAL that after awhile, it really sticks, and she/he in effect "moves on". And you've said it yourself, right when you're happy, here he is coming back and "doing this" to you, and I think you feel pulled by him and also threatened by him. You're threatened that all you worked for will be taken away by him or taken away by the part of you who in the past would be taken in by words and not actions.
This is why you've gone "emotional", because your 2 selves are fighting it out, old self who wants him no matter what is going "talk to him", "engage with him", "he's saying I love you!" while new self is saying "are you crazy? look what you have gained! Be scared of this!"
I can't say I think you're lucky for this to happen. I think it's very hard. I think it's nice to see him SAYING he is recognizing some errors, but he is so not doing anything to SHOW that he means it, and maybe he's not capable of that yet.
So it all leads back to time as others have said. You really have to distance yourself on this. You almost have to be semi-dark, in a way, not jumping to answer texts. You have your own life. He's not seeing that. He's assuming that he figured himself out, now he can have you back. But maybe you want to be treated a lot better now. You have every right to be.
With MLC, you DB to save yourself so that SOME day if it works out, you MAY be able to save the rel. with the X. But that's only if you choose to do so. I don't know from your posts if you want to save it at this point. Do you know if you do?
If you are torn, then just don't make any decisions at all. There is no gun to your head telling you to decide. If you decide to piece, then you do, but if you decide that for now you don't want to, then that's your business.
I guess what I'm saying is that you can't live your life today by what you chose to DB for way back when. You are probably a very different person today than you were then. Your goals and feelings about yourself have changed and likely, so is the way you want to be treated in a rel. with him.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
