Yes, I think she is trying to tell me things that she has wanted too for a while.
When we talk about the past and the issues my drinking caused, she keeps saying, "I told you to get help", " I tried to help you", but at that time I wasn't listening.
The difference now is, I am listening, so yes she is telling me more, she feels comfortable telling me about the problems I caused, as I don't try and give an excuse, I now take ownership of them, I apologise and promise not to do them, DRINK!!, again.
Your comments on absolutes are well meaning and correct, but I know that drinkers fall off the wagon, and I know in any relationship there can be hurt, but I cannot have a mental state, that I'm open to possibly drinking in the future, I can't and I won't, I hate what alchohol has done to me and my children, and cannot expose them and myself to that again.
We spoke a few days ago about my drinking and us as a couple, she said that all couples argue, its normal, and they have conflict, which relates to what you are saying about absolutes, but she then added the difference with us was that through my drinking, I would become nasty and aggressive in the arguement, and that is what caused the hurt and got me where I am now.
So my comments of never hurting her in the future are relating to the hurt, the aggression, the nasty, spiteful person drink made me, and I do make a promise to her, my kids, and to me, that he is gone and not coming back!!!!
I'm going to be the person who she wants to be with, I'm already the person my kids want to be with, thats a great start for me, I'm going to be the person her friends and family all comment about how I've changed, how calm and settled I seem, how good I look, how healthy I look.
She will already be noticing all these things, she has told me already that she is, but when others do, and when others tell her, then she might start to believe that these changes are real and are not just a show for her.
I am slowly becoming a person that I like, and not the person I hated at times for the things I said or done. I don't carry aggression around with me, I'm happy and healthy.
I go to the gym and work hard, I come away tired, but feeling great. I wake up without a headache or feeling tired through drink, my body aches, but thats through the gym!!
I'm losing weight and toning up, she has already commented on that. I can fit into jeans that she bought me 12 years ago again!!!
We had a very powerful and deep love, we found each other very attractive, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, this was still the case up until about 6months before we split.
She looks at me now, and I know she is checking me out, she looks at me at times when we are talking, and I know she is finding me attractive.
So all me changes are for the better, I have to work on my mental state, and I have to work on my physical state, and with these changes, love, and a rekindled friendship with her, we have a real chance.
There are no definates in this, but there is hope.
My wife called yesterday to ask if I could take my son to football, before I went to my AA meeeting, I was surprised at the call as she wouldn't usually ask me for any help?, it wasn't a problem to me and I said yes, not sure if she is testing my commitment to change?
I got there about 2minutes late, my son was panicking he would be late,so wife is calling me, telling me I was late!
I told her there was plenty of time, there was I got him there early!!!, but she was having a go at me because my son was moaning at her, I didn't raise my voice, didn't argue back, just said there was plenty of time and I'll get him there. No problem
I got him there and he was fine, I told him about stressing his mum out panicking, and he said sorry, I felt for him, but told him not to worry.
I called my wife, and when she came on the phone, I could tell by the tone of her voice she thought I was going to start agruing about her calling me about being late, but I was very calm, and just mentioned did she need the kids school uniforms I had back at mine, I could tell she was slightly surprised by this, she was fine about it,the agression in her voice dropped straight away, she thanked me and asked if I could drop them off after my AA meeting.
The meeting went great, it was funny and sad at times with the stories people tell, but I'm made welcome and I enjoy going.
When I came out I called her to say I would be dropping the things off shortly, she was really friendly, and then started to ask how the meeting went,etc, I said it was great and that I enjoyed it, she said I sounded happy?
I got there and the kids came running out, hugging me and kissing me, I gave her the clothes, and our daughters musical instrument she had left, she was all smiles, telling me things the kids had done etc, all very nice, I kissed the kids and left, as I was leaving my daughter came running out to show me something she had made, my wife just stood at the door smiling, as she showed me and kissed me, surely a mothers instinct would be pulling at her with the love these kids have for me??, I waved bye and left.
5 minutes later she phoned me, asking about a part of the uniform she thought was missing, then she said its ok, I said, no problem and bye, she thanked me for taking them over and said bye, all really nice.
I didn't go straight home, and went to the store to get something to eat, as I walked around shopping I knew she would call me, I just knew??
I got in the car and as I drove home the phone rang!, my wife!! She said that she had called my place and that I wasn't home, I said I was just shopping and was now going home, she was asking if everything was ok with me as I seemed quiet??
I said I was fine, thanks for the concern, but I was great? She said that she was just making sure I was ok? Not sure where this came from, I didn't really speak to her, but was laughing and joking with the kids?
When I got home I sent her a text, saying I really appreciate the call and her concern, but I was great and felt good, but at times missed my best friend. Is that pursuing??, not sure, but I didn't mention love, wife, or us, just my best friend??
This morning I send my usual, "are the kids ok" text, again rather than just texting back she calls me.
She tells me they are fine, and that she had to go and buy birthday presents for our daughters friends as she had forgot, and that it was a panic this morning, but daughter was very happy with the gifts they bought.
I ususally have them on a Friday night, but because my wife wanted to change days, she asked could she have them tonight, I have them Sat,Sun, Mon, yeah no problem, the kids are not happy though, they told me, but I asked them to keep quiet so not to upset mum.
During the call she said, don't forget you don't have them tonight, I just said yes I know, why would I forget that? She then asked if I was going to call and see them later?? Bit of a strange one I thought?, I said I had no plans as of yet and if it was ok I would, she then said come anytime its not a problem, just call before to make sure they are in? I said thanks and said I'd call her later.
Now I maybe wrong here, but this doesn't sound like a woman who wants to have nothing to do with me? Who only a few weeks ago told me she hated me and didn't want to speak to me? Who on the night when she has the kids, has basically invited me round to see them and her? Again I maybe thinking too much, but these are big changes.
I will go around and see them later, I want to, so I'm not going to say no to detach further, I want to see my kids!! Yes she will be there, but she's their mother!!! I can't help thinking that she is using the kids as an excuse to see me at times, and a reason to call me?? Not sure, but again I don't want to get carried away and get my hopes up!!!
Yesterday I saw her aunt who she is very close to me wife. She was asking how I was etc Then she said that my wife had told her that we were getting on great and were speaking a lot, her aunt was really pleased and just said to me, whatever your doing keep it up, just be nice to her and anything can happen. I told her I had messed up, I know that, but I love her with all my heart and just want her back. She again just said, keep it going.
At the moment it is all very positive, slowly slowly its getting better, I just hope we can resolve our problems, I can maintain my changes, and she can somehow forgive me for what I have done.
DCSUK, Great stuff! I'm following along, and I know many others are also.
Jon
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I've had a good weekend, I've had the kids from Saturday and really enjoyed being with them.
I still seen and spoke to my wife loads, although I haven't called her??? She is always calling me about nothing really?, I 've been to the house quite a bit with her asking could I drop something off, or pick something up, I just smile and do it now, I think she is just using it as an excuse to see me, I maybe miles away with that thought, but it seems she is too keen, and it also make me feel better if I think that!!
I had to take my daughter to a party yesterday, it was my wifes nieces, when I got there all my wifes family were there, I thought this could be bad!!!, as they all know I've not been the best husband at times!!!, even my wifes mother and father were there!!! potential nightmare!!!
But I was really shocked, they were all really nice to me!!!, really nice!, they all commented on how well I looked and weight loss!, and we just chatted generally about the kids and work etc, it was really nice?
My wife didn't go has she had something to do?, but again was this another "test", in the past I wouldn't have took my daughter to a party, but this time I was totally fine about it when she asked me.
I even got a text off her when I was there asking if I had dropped our daughter off, she must have been surprised when I text back, I'm here talking to your parents!!!!!
I was talking to my wifes sister, who again was full of compliments, nobody mentioned my wife or "us" all the time I was there, I was pleased really as it might have got awkward at times, my wifes sister even give me a cuddle and a kiss when I left!!!!!
Later my wife called to ask me about the kids, and was asking about what her parents had said, I just played it down saying nothing really just chit-chat, which it was, but they were nice to me, and I didn't really expect that?
She called again later to ask about the kids and we spoke about a few things, again all nice, and this morning she has already called me to ask about the kids and me!!
Its all going well at the moment, I don't want to get carried away, we are getting on great, and speak daily.
As I've said before this does not sound like a person who is finshed with me, I've felt that in the past when our only communication was " get the kids to call me" in a text!!!!
H, DC, It all sounds really great!! It sounds all positive, so keep it up. I got a little tear during the post where you ran into her aunt. It sounds like all her family is rooting for y'all. That's great. Your W seems really pleased that you are keeping up the meetings. Good for you! vc
I spoke to my wife yesterday morning, all great about the kids etc.
I had the kids last night, as I set off to get our daughter there had been a bad accident and the traffic was stopped.
I sat for a while then started to panic about time, I tried to call my wife but no answer, I called her at work, and she had left already, probably at the gym I thought.
As time got closer I called my wifes mother and father and asked them to pick her up, they were fine about it and said I should have called earlier, they had heard about the accident on the local news
A short while later they called to say they had her and not to worry, great!, I went and got my son from home, he's older and has a key. As I got him my wife called, I told her what had happened etc, and then she blew!!!, she started to tell me that I should not have called her parents, and that I should have left my daughter there until I got there???, I said it would be closing before I got there, but she said that I should have just left her, that she was at a "party", and why had I called her when it wasn't her night!!!!! WTF!!!!
I tried to stay calm, apologised and left it at that.
I then got our daughter from her parents, my wife was on the phone speaking to out daughter when I got there, she then spoke to me, said that could I get our son to call her later.
My wifes mother looked at my face and asked what was the matter, I said that I was sorry that I called her and that I should have left my daughter there, she looked at me and asked why did I say that, I said that my wife had been angry with me for calling them and it wasn't her night, that I did whatI thought was best, but it wasn't in my wifes eyes, she told me not to worry and did'nt look pleased!!
As I drove home my wife called me, she was angry and thanked me for telling her mother what she had said, that her mother had been angry with her and after calling her names, she put the phone down on her,calling her a poor mother for not caring!!!!
I just explained that I apologied for calling her and that I should have left my daughter there alone!!!
She told me that I shouldn't have called her and this is what would happen, again I apologised and ended the call.
Later my son called her, no answer, she then called him back and said nite to both kids, she then spoke to me and said that her mother had upset her telling her what she thought, and that I should not tell them anything? A few weeks ago her parents redecorated the full house for her!!!! They are really close?
So this morning there was no call from her regarding the kids or anything, I had to swap a nights care for work so I had to call her, she wasn't at work today!!, called her mobile and she was still angry with me, had a terrible attitude and was very abrupt, I only spoke about the night change,and she said fine, but that was it?? Where was the woman who I had spoke to so much lately??
We ended the call but was also surprised that she didn't ask about, or mention the kids at all??
I was getting angry now, I knew she had been with OM, but her attitude was terrible.
I called her mother to say sorry for causing any upset the night before,etc, she was fine about it, she said that her attitude to her had been very poor, and that her mother had put the phone down on her calling her a bad mother for not caring! I said that she had changed since the weekend, and that the OM must be on the scene, she acted innocent, but I could tell she knew more, but she didn't say, only saying that she was not happy with my wife, her attitude was terrible and she should be putting her kids first, she always has so hence the shock!!
We spoke somemore and she said that both her and her father had noticed a change in her at times, she told me not to worry about it and that I did the right thing.
Later in the day I sent my wife a text, I know no contact!!!!, I just asked if she was ok as she had not asked about the kids, and was she fine.
Again the attitude was basically, I know they are fine, why are you contacting me!!!!!! What a massive change in her!!!, there was no party, she was in a hotel with OM!!! But her attitude was terrible
I sent her a text basically saying that I had done nothing wrong, that I had enjoyed talking to her recently without any arguing, so why the change??, what was up with her??
No answer!!
So now I back off again, this is total crap!!
My only assumption is that he works away and is home for a period then away again?
How can she go from laughing and joking on Friday, to this on Monday/Tuesday, she didn't sound very happy either, so I don't know what to think??
If I was spending time with someone I hadn't seen in a while I would be happy and it wouldn't matter who I wa talking to!!!!
What do I do now? I need to make contact to speak to the kids, but this is stupid???
If that is what happened with om coming in to town for the weekend, that would certainly explain the anger and attitude. Maybe she has suppressed her feelings of guilt, and the phone calls, calling her attention back to the fact that she has a H and children, brought them back to the surface.
Just call to speak to the kids, or to her about the kids, but keep your conversations with her short and sweet. And maybe for awhile keep a bit dark with her, and not be available to speak for hours on the phone when she decides to call you. I think you are doing well, and that you handled the whole situation as best you could, and she has no reason for complaint, except for her parents have called her out on it, and she blames you for that, too.
I think your staying calm and handling the matter was a great positive.
After my last post and I'm driving home, my wife calls me!!! At first I ignored it, but she kept ringing, I then answered, I said hi and did she have the kids with her so I could speak to them, she said no, so I just said that I didn't really want to talk to her right now and could she get the kids to call me later and said bye She rang and rang! Then she left a voicemail saying that I had sent a text and had my say, but I wouldn't listen to her side and I was unfair? I sort of agreed and called her
She was all sad because we had argued??and what her mother had said, she said she had felt ill all day
I said that I have loved the last few weeks talking to her but she had changed, she said that she had loved it also!!! That she was becoming comfortable around me again and hoped it wasn't spoilt!!!
She was upset about her mothers comments and said it made her feel guilty about going to a party and that she didn't mean to say what she said, and it was not what she meant? I said you weren't at a party you were with some man, she totally denied it and said it was a party that she only went to last minute? We are split up 12 months, so she didn't have to lie?, I'm very confused what to believe?
She apologized to me for saying what she said?!!! And hoped that we could still be friends!!!
I was very moved, I told her that the last few weeks had been the happiest for a long time, and at times I felt we were together we got on so well, she agreed! ! More confusion!!
We said bye and she will get the kids to call me later
What is going on here? I'm totally lost?
She has a new man, but wants to be friends, was upset about us arguing and apologized???? If she has moved on, why call me?? She could have just left it and told me nothing?
So what now??? More detaching and just go with the flow??
She seems emotional, do I tell her I love her? But she knows already
Wow, you've had a crazy couple of days! Do you know for a fact she was in a hotel with OM, or are you just thinking this is the case? Either way, don't bring it up again. Focusing on that won't help this situation and it very well could cause more problems if you continue to bring it up.
I'm just guessing here, but I think your wife is very confused about what she wants right now. That is typical for WAS. They pull you in, then they get scared or start 2nd guessing themselves, then they push you back away, then they start 2nd guessing that and they pull you back in...it's a tiring cycle to go through.
My suggestion to you is to stay consistent. You have made some amazing progress in your life and in how you treat others. You didn't do anything wrong in this situation, so don't spend any more time fretting over what you should've/could've done differently. Just let it go and keep being the great dad/person that you've become.
You are right, she does know you love her, so I'd leave that out of your conversation for now. Give yourself and her time to call off. She's obviously still emotionally detached, so I think she will be coming back around. Go a little dim, and let her miss you and wonder what you are up to.
I had a call this morning from my wife 8.00am, we had agreed that she had the kids tonight as I had a meeting I had to be at work early for tomorrow, telling me that she could not have them tonight as she also had to be at work early.
I told her I had made arrangements and there was nothing I could do, she then started to ask what time I had to leave for work etc, I said around 6.30am, she then said, to drop them off at her house at 6.30am, and that she would sort it out??, so I asked if thats the case, its not about work?, its about tonight!! She denied it at first, but then sort of agreed through gritted teeth!!!
I just lost it a bit then!!!, I know, I know!!!, I told her that her attitude and lies were terrible since the last few days, it was obviously about OM, and that they kids were being pulled all over, that we had got on so well, and I was happy for that, but now it was back to arguing.
I said the OM was a joke just to expect her to be there for her, I knew who he was, and I also knew they stayed in a hotel on Monday, and even told her which hotel it was!
I had an idea which hotel by the conversation and where she said she was on Monday, so I called it yesterday morning, asked to be put through to Mr "my surname" room, and they tried to connect me, and my surname is not common!!!!
She was speachless, asked how I knew, etc, I just told her that some people talk to much!!!
She then said that she didn't tell me any details so I wasn't hurt, she had her own life now and was doing nothing wrong.
She then started to cry saying that I and her parents had been mean to her regarding lying and the kids, and she was sick of it all???
I told her that I had tried to be friends, but it obviously wasn't working and that we should just forget about the daily chats and laughs when he's not around, and hung up.
I sent a text a while later saying "sorry, but I cannot go on like this"
I called her parents to explain we had had an argument again, and explained what had happened.
Her parents are not happy with her at all, they had sensed a change in her for a while, that she was very "up and down", but thought that she was taking advantage of my help and willing, that I should not contact her, and let her get on with it herself. I'm sure they must have read the books!!!!!
The said that the change in her attitude to them, me and the children was terrible, that I should not be so available to her.
They said that they knew something was going on, but now it all made sense, she only asked for their help with childcare with gaps of weeks in between, and that it now made sense, he must be on the scene at these times.
They told me not to call her and look after myself!!
Now because of the past, I'm not their favourite person, but they know I'm trying, and they are concerned about how the kids are being messed about.
They said stop trying to help her, that the OM will soon get sick of the kids care being a problem, they won't be helping as much as usual, and told me to ignore any calls for help from her.
They said that although she was their daughter, they will not stand by and let her harm our children because they are "in the way"!!!
Its nice to know i'm not alone in how I feel!!!
I spoke to her mother and said that I'm hurt that she has changed so much in the past few days, we were getting on great and now this??
Her mother knew exactly how well we had been getting on, that my wife was happy we were friends, that the kids seemed happier, and they actually thought we were heading in the right direction to reconcile, she said that her and my wifes father had spoke yesterday about it all and said that what was happening she seemed confused, and didn't know what she wanted??
This OM works away, and then comes home for a few weeks, his children are grown up so he has no ties. So when he's home he will want to see my wife all the time, hence the kids being in the way, then he goes back, and she wants to be friends again??
There is obviously no future with them, he won't want to take on 2 kids, and my kids will certainly not want to be anywhere near him!, so I don't know??
How can she change so dramatically!!!
When I spoke to her today I asked how could she change like that, she said that maybe she just got too friendly with me??
If I was doing all the calling and she was just being polite I could understand, but hello!!, she called me all the time, she made all the contact, thats not being too friendly, thats having an interest in someone???
So now I'm totally pulled back again, and I mean totally!!!
I don't want to speak to her and I don't like her at the moment.
She is being selfish and self consumming.
I'm concerned about our children, she would do nothing to harm them, but they are now 2nd to OM in her eyes now, but I don't want to step in and make things easier for her like her parents have said.
I know I go on, but I can get loads off my chest here and I feel better afterwards, not for long though!!!!
