I'm in shock, found out he has pursued OW, help

[25yearsmlc]

A question i wanna throw out here. I AM too available to him and i want to try pulling back a little. In my situation, where i cant just take off and drive...i am wondering what i can do. Going to my room will appear as pouting cause that is what i do when we argue and it would be offputting to him.

Would stopping the following possibly push him away further?

first off, it's NOT ALL about him now. What do YOU want? You like walking on egg shells all the time? And he's on his way out the door so pushing him further is NOT likely if you are not nasty to him. Pursuing him has not worked and isn't likely to. What were his exact complaints re to you? Are there things you do, other than pout, that he dislikes?


- going to him for a hug

do NOT go to him for a hug...if he hugs you, mirror back the type of hug HE gives you. Do not appear to want one and do NOT ask for one. Period.

- [b]starting converations

No R talks from you. Period. None...unless you are fine with him leaving.

As for conversations in general, what would the 180 be? Did you read the DB book? I think you said yes. So in there, they talk about doing the new different behavior so if you normally would start the convos, stop it. But if you are an introvert, begin small conversations that are funny or interesting to him. No big expectations attached. Don't put too much pressure on yourself for this. Silence is not the enemy.

- spending more time outside than indoors where he is

Yes^^^

- less talking
[/b]
I dont want to appear that im pouting...

Don't pout. Appear upbeat, hum if you need to or listen to music. Do things with D. You don't have to be talking to prove you are not pouting. Appear pleasant and a bit mysterious.

Read those rules again. And figure out a way to GET OUT b/c this is no way to live anyhow. Your d is watching you and she needs to know to GAL and not expect her spouse to provide all her emotional and social support.

Also, stop all talk about being "in love" or "feeling passion"...

I consider myself to be happily m and I am attracted to my h. But do I feel the same intense passion for him I felt 30 years ago?

No I don't, and I'm not ashamed about that. I think it's normal. Don't get me wrong. It's not a "platonic" relationship, and we have intimacy often. We share a bed and strongly believe in it.

But this focus on "feeling the magic at all times" is Hollywood poop that ruins lives more than it helps. Just my opinion.