In the end and always we are responsible for ourselves...
and our own happiness.
We create love or what we suppose is love.
And you long for its affirmation and appreciation by the one you love.
As soon as we create it we set ourselves on the path to destroy it.
We seek to value it in some way.
What is the measure of it anyway?
How they love us in return?
How much we are willing to put forth at our own risk? That which we give of ourselves?
Real love. Perfect love. Is Not for the reaction of another. But in spite of it. Is Without the action from them at all.
The only love that never dies is that which we give away.
That which we give to them finally what we promised that day when we took our vows, that love that travels with them that they may not even know is there.
That love which we give them as we let them go.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Real love. Perfect love. -Is Without the action from them at all. -is that which we give away. -love that travels with them that they may not know is there. - which we give them as we let them go.
Brilliant, True!!
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you
That was beautiful, TG. I don't think my XH knows the love is there from me--I don't think he thinks he is "worthy" or "deserving" of it, but then, as I've told him before, "deserving ain't got nothing to do with it" (I think I'm quoting Clint Eastwood?) and this is the meaning of unconditional love.
I'm glad to know you are in a similar place to me right now as it feels less lonely as a result :-)
What a tough, tough path...but there are reasons for all of it. I know it.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Well Grit... I had some stuff to say...and I realized....you know... it really doesn't matter.
What you posted. I get it man.
That love is real. It is so different from where I started. Maybe the same for you.
It is the giving without anything expected in return. How true is that? Of course... It would have been nice to learn it earlier...but would have...could have....should have...
So where does it leave us?
Better in so many ways. We are here. We have learned. Life...it still is.
Pain... will always be something we deal with... but something I am sure we define differently.
Love. It will always be there...and the same... oh boy do we see it differently...
So here we are. Standing. Living. Breathing.
It didn't kill us... so as the saying goes....
Just never forget where you started and where you are...
Those steps...that journey...
It was for a reason. Now what?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
That which we give to them finally what we promised that day when we took our vows, that love that travels with them that they may not even know is there.
I think they realize that it is there when they are totally free from anything that binds them to us, even if it is only a piece of paper.
I think that when you can freely give the love you speak of Grit it is very liberating for ourselves.......
You do truely learn to love differently.....
and
in giving that love to others you in turn show that you have indeed learned to love yourself first.
Maybe just maybe we can capture some of that Perfect Love that only HE is capable of.........
Maybe that Salvation does come from within......
Could be that HE put it there for us to find through our own suffering??????
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
"It was nice to see you as well. I have given a lot of thought to what you have said and how I feel. I will always love you and I do not regret that we got married. I truly thought it was the best decision at the time. However, I am not sure we are meant to be married and I hope that we can be friends and that we never hold hate in our hearts for one another. I have forgiven you and working on forgiving myself for the pain I have caused myself and those who cared for me during those chaotic moments I had.[MAYBE THAT WAS ME????] I know that you tried to do the best and I tried to deal with my identity crisis. I am not sure I did my best, but[b] I did not try to deliberately hurt you or your family. I am trying to move past my past and make better choices. I hope you do as well. I believe that you will find your way and you will have the life you have always dreamed of... YOU do deserve it. So in saying that, I think we should go forward with signing the papers and moving forward. I love you and Dog (he will always be the BEST puppy in the world to me), take care and I will look for your email. Have a nice holiday weekend and be careful. W"
END OF REPRINT
I reprinted this so I could look at it again.
It has been suggested to me that W has not sHut the door. I admit I saw it too.
But
I don't see her recognizing the pain her actions caused me or any asking of foriveness.
Don't get me wrong I am not one of those that needs the score leveled.
But if you don't offer it? If you don't see your part in causing your partner pain no matter how justifed you felt you were ...
Well that is just not me. That means I can expect even less in the future.
Not knocking her...
Also not volunteering to be knocked either.
Up to me. I dictate the terms under which I will willfully walk through the mine field again.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
True, I just read your post, and I may have this wrong, but here is my 2c.
Your wife is not done. She is imo starting to wake up, but admitting to herself and others the extent of hurt she has caused you is probably more than she can bear at present.
I see the emergence from MLC as a gradual putting back together of the self, and it happens in strange ways that are not at all rational. What I suspect she is looking for from you at the moment is love, reassurance, acceptance of who she is now, as a platform for any future relationship you might have.
She cannot cope with any demands, and pressure, or any expectations. She is still somewhat justifying her choices, but also recognizing that they could have been poor ones. This is actually HUGE for the MLCer
She is also affirming who you are. Honestly i think that is the most she can do at present.
Now, you do not dictate any terms. Good truces, good peaces are not made like that. This is not a battle, and eventually you both need to come out of this as stronger and better people, either together or as friends.
True, this is nowhere near over, either the relationship or the crisis. This is where you can step up and show your mettle in affirming her and letting her go with the knowledge that you are not closing the door on her. She desperately needs to know that she is truly loved for who she is. This will enable her to struggle on rebuilding her shattered self.
It will take lots more time. And perhaps you do not want to wait - who does. No one can criticise any LBS who has had enough The outcome is uncertain, and there may not be enough left to rebuild a marriage. But these are choices only you can make. Your wife is not cooked yet, nor is divorce the end. Hugs
I don't see her recognizing the pain her actions caused me or any asking of foriveness.
Don't get me wrong I am not one of those that needs the score leveled.
But if you don't offer it? If you don't see your part in causing your partner pain no matter how justifed you felt you were ...
Well that is just not me. That means I can expect even less in the future.
Not knocking her...
Also not volunteering to be knocked either.
Up to me. I dictate the terms under which I will willfully walk through the mine field again.
Grit - as someone whos MLCer says he is sorry all the time I can tell you that I really thinks she means it. This is a hard hard thing for her to admit. each communication that you have with her, she goes a little further in her appology. I saw this with my H. baby steps with them. My H is in full depression now. horrified by what he has done. But he is still so very broken as I am sure your w is.
I love your quote "up to me. I dictate the terms under which I will willfully walk through the mine field again"
boy is that me right now too!!!!!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Just wanted to stop by to say that I am thinking of ya man!
'Nuff said!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
