Sooo true, I definitely have to get over analyzing everything he says or does. I have to keep reminding myself to GAL, because right now I am totally obsessing. I ended up talking to him again yesterday, and told him if he wanted to talk about 'it' (whatever he said was bothering him) to let me know. He said he might just do that but didn't go beyond that. He asked me how I was doing, I told him 'I'm doing all right' and tried to say it in a positive way.
I think I showed too much of my hand, though. Our conversation was short, and I told him I would see him Sunday. But I did try to call him back to give him some info I thought would be important to him (I know, I know, shouldn't have gone there-ack!!) and he didn't answer. I ended up just texting the info as if to say, no need to call back, just forwarding this on. Tomorrow I am supposed to meet him at the ILs, to see a relative that came to town. Any advice on how to 'be' while I'm there? I am stressing... any and all advice greatly appreciated!!
My suggestion is going to be as generic as, be the best ROMB you can be. It's a little harder because it's still so early in your situation. I would keep your distance (emotionally) from your H. Don't ignore, but don't follow him all around either. Just focus on the other people there. This is assuming you are on good terms with your ILs (if you mentioned something about that earlier, I apologize).
Dress well... take it up a notch from what you would normally wear, something that makes you feel good about yourself, something comfortable... comfortable shoes... what your body feels on the outside can reflect how you feel on the inside, and vice versa...
A spritz of your favourite, but subtle perfume...
And just BE happy... WHAT EVER IT TAKES to think happy thoughts. Don't let your mind wander to the problems in your M, even though it could be tough being around HIS family...
And when you're there, maybe you can try out some 180s... if you would normally be helpful, do less... if you were normally distant, get right in there and engage everyone... and vice versa, of course... not over the top kinda stuff, again... just small adjustments that would be only a little more than subtly noticable...
Thank you both...I am still nervous about being there tomorrow, so I am taking a cue from JB and working out like a fiend. Might be sore as hell tomorrow!
Another strange phone call from H today, even after all the drama from yesterday. I started to cave and texted him I wanted to talk, immediately thought better of it and told him it was nothing when he called. I felt so stupid for texting in the first place, but knew I should keep my trap shut so I tried to just blow it off. Am I the only one who hits 'send' and immediately regrets it??
Anyway, he was in a really weird place this week and just would not let it go. Told him it was really nothing, that I shouldn't have sent the text, things are good let's not spoil it, etc. Nothing worked, and I genuinely tried to blow it off. He kept pressuring me, so I finally asked him if we were at a place where we were seeing other people (something I wondered after all his very late nights out but have not asked about). I didn't accuse, just told him I was curious since it had been so long since we discussed anything of that nature.
Wow! DBing has had an effect I would not have predicted...he thought I was seeing someone and that's what my 180 has been about. Ha! Kind of funny to me, but I guess I can see how he would go there. He said he's been thinking that for a week or so. I played it cool, just said I didn't think now was the time to date, at least not for me. He did say it would bother him if I was seeing someone, and that he wasn't seeing anyone either. Is it bad to leave him wondering? Wasn't really sure how to handle that part, but I did have to keep myself from laughing...
I just told him I was giving him the space he said he needed, and that I was working on my own life right now. We ended up talking for about an hour, the longest in a month or so. Trying not to feel too excited about this, or too anxious and jump the gun.
Thank you both...I am still nervous about being there tomorrow, so I am taking a cue from JB and working out like a fiend.
Cool! Good for you!
Originally Posted By: realormakebeliev
Wow! DBing has had an effect I would not have predicted...he thought I was seeing someone and that's what my 180 has been about. Ha! Kind of funny to me, but I guess I can see how he would go there. He said he's been thinking that for a week or so. I played it cool, just said I didn't think now was the time to date, at least not for me. He did say it would bother him if I was seeing someone, and that he wasn't seeing anyone either. Is it bad to leave him wondering? Wasn't really sure how to handle that part, but I did have to keep myself from laughing...
A little mystery is not necessary a bad thing right now. He needs to see the possible reality of his situation. Pique his interest in you.
Originally Posted By: realormakebeliev
I need to GAL!!!!
Yes! This is very important, and it's primarily for YOU. This is one of the first things I heard from my DB coach, and I took him seriously.
I haven't posted in a while, but today I feel like I could seriously use some support. So much has happened since my last post. After the meeting above and H's apparent concern things seemed to be looking up. He told me he was afraid to lose me, we started seeing each other more, and he even told me he loved me (and I didn't say it first).
And then things changed. I can't even remember what the catalyst was at the time, but he got mad about something and we were back to square one. This has happened a couple of different times. I feel like a yo-yo. I hope someone can give me some DBing advice here- I have tried limiting the contact (we have a small child so going dark is not an option) and he ends up calling or asking me to call daily. Its like we are together when he wants to be, and if I try to refuse/discourage this he says things like, I must not really want to work things out because if I did I would do the things he's referring to.
So what is the DB way here? He wants to be in regular contact, comes to see me/us a couple of times a week and we have 'dated'. I have reconnected with some old friends (people I used to hang out with but he does not know) and he makes comments that imply jealousy. I feel like he doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me, either.
These days I just feel so tired. Tired of feeling like I'm in limbo, tired of worrying, tired of waiting. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
....Its like we are together when he wants to be, and if I try to refuse/discourage this he says things like, I must not really want to work things out because if I did I would do the things he's referring to....
.... I feel like he doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me, either.....
You mentioed at the beginning of your thread your H was single till he was 40 and may be in MLC? These couple things stood out to me. What he says sounds manipulative and cake eating and perhaps a little guilt ridden. It also sounds a little overly confident that you want to save things "more" than he does. Be vary careful. Is this the kind of person you really want to be with? If so, I think you should consider some ground rules for contact, with the goal in mind of eventually getting out of limbo one way or the other. Otherwise this crap could go on indefinately.
Take care of yourself and daughter first and formost. That should be your priority, not your WAH.
(Sorry if this sounded blunt, but he reminds me so much of my XW, it almost makes me angry.)
Prayers, Pickle
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
ROMB, Concentrate on your GAL'ing. Hopefully there will be times where you are too "busy" for him to come and go as he pleases. Make yourself a little less available.
I don't know if you're already doing this, but you don't have to pick up the phone every time he calls. Maybe sometimes you do, and sometimes you don't. Most likely the times you don't pick up are the times you're not prepared to talk to him.
I agree with IaP, take care of yourself and your D first.
Thanks, JB, I know you're right about the GALing. Lately I have just been so sad and on such a roller coaster with him it's difficult to concentrate on anything. Just feeling low, I think. I've slacked off on my exercising, too, so I've got to get back on the wagon.
I don't always answer, in fact today he called and I just didn't answer for that reason. I am trying to make myself less available- after some drama last week I realized I needed to be exactly that.
When he picked up our D last weekend I was all dolled up and on my way to a friend's for a gathering, and he commented A LOT about it. Definitely concerned him and he told me I looked really good. I guess that's a good thing, but I really need to brainstorm on some GALing activities- I just have to keep myself busy. Its the only thing keeping me sane.
Thanks so much for the insight, I really appreciate it.
