Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

Having a perfectly awful day. Last night XW sends me a text that she schedules two doctors appointments for today -- my day.

I can't get D9 to one. The other is the psychologist appointment. She includes in her text that she "thinks it would be good if I took her."

That probably means nothing, but I'm upset that she scheduled these appointments without asking me first.

I text back "why do you think it would be good that I took her."

She doesn't respond. In the morning she sends a text that she's canceling the appointments, with the kicker in there that she thought I'd want to take her and "she didn't know why she thought that."

I text back that I was planning on taking her.

As I left work, I wondered why I reacted that way. Why do I care anymore about scoring points. Why can't I just treat her like anyone else. I resolved -- again -- to do so.

Then I get D9. On Wednesdays I'm picking her up right after school to give her a break from after-school stuff.

She wants to go to the library -- so we go. But no, she wants to go to the downtown library. That's a different issue. I don't want to drive her downtown, then drive back, then drive downtown again to do some work only to drive back again to get her for her doctor's appointment.

I patiently try to explain to her that she'll have to wait until D12 gets home at 4 p.m. and then we'll go.

XW calls. She's having a bad day at work. She leaves an opening for me to ask what's going on -- I was always there for her to vent about work -- but I don't bite. She explains that she didn't realize it was a Wednesday when she made the appointment. I said I was going to take D9 to her appointment.

Then I get a text from D12. She has auditions today and won't be done until 5 p.m. Now I can't take D9 to the downtown library. There just isn't enough time to do that, finish my work for the newspaper and get her to the appointment.

D9 gets angry and starts threatening. She won't go to her doctor's appointment, she won't do her homework, she won't go to school, she wants to go on a bikeride to mom's ...

Already, by throwing the fit, it means I can't get back to the office and will have to email some stuff in.

She's thrown these "it's my way or I'll blow up" incidents almost every day for the past three weeks.

And finally I lost it. I pounded the desk, saying she has to work with me. She can't have everything her way every single day or else I can't be there in the afternoons.

And then I went and sat outside and felt like it was July 4 all over again. I felt helpless. She's never going to get better. I'm always going to be alone because I love her and she just wears me down. No sane person would ever willingly sign up for this.

Finally, it was time to pick up D12 and D9 refused. So I dragged her to the car and forcefully put her in the back seat. She wanted to stay home alone, but I told her no, I can't trust her by herself because she doesn't listen to me when I'm there.

Thankfully, she didn't try to bolt from the car and we went to get D12. D9 asks me if XW texted yet. I ask why. She says she sent her a text.

I look at my phone. Her texts: "I will kill myself if I have to stay at dad's." And "I hate my life."

Great. Just what I want XW to see.

We get D12 and finally D9 is quiet and holding back tears. Her anger is subsiding and when that happens she gets very apologetic.

Problem is I'm worn down. I feel like I can't keep going through this every day. I tell her she has to send XW a text saying she was wrong and apologizes. She does that.

Still, I'm fuming. I put a lot of mental effort into doing the best I can to make sure they get home as soon as possible after school. I could just wash my hands on the nights they aren't with me and leave her at daycare or after-school care until 5:30 p.m. But I want to see them every day. This is the only way.

I tell her she has to work with me after school. If I can't take her somewhere, she has to accept it. If I need her to come with me, she has to come. Otherwise, I can't pick her up after school.

She says she doesn't want me to pick her up.

Which isn't what I want to hear.

She says she wants to see me every day, but if she wants something and I tell her no, she gets mad and she can't stop herself.

Now we're at the psychologist's office and she's in talking to her and I just feel dead inside.

This lady has been her psychologist for five years, but now it feels like she works for XW -- not for us.

Plus, one of her partners was seeing XW for depression in 2008 so there's some file in here about me.

This just [censored]. I don't know if she's going to ask me to come in and talk. I am just not in the right mind set after what just happened. 95 percent of the time I feel like I am doing very well with D9. 5 percent of the time I feel so lost and it's usually because I have a deadline, I have to be somewhere and can't be as patient as D9 needs me to be.

But I don't want to tell this lady that. I don't want to tell her anything that could get back to XW as weakness. I didn't want to be a single parent dealing with an ADHD child. I don't want XW to have the satisfaction that I'm struggling.

I feel utterly defeated.