I think I am convinced that nothing I do will bring my MLC H home any sooner, but I feel fairly certain that what I choose to do or not do can keep him away longer.
That being said, I know these changes are for me, and not to manipulate him.
Last night I read the chapter on Pursuit and Distancing Between Partners in the Deluca book, The Solo Partner. I had no idea until reading it,that I have been a serial pursuer, and my H a textbook distancer. We established this "dance" while courting 28 years ago, and are now in the full blown effects from this pull and tug kind of relationship. Throw in a MLC and health issues for H and kids leaving home, and I guess it is no surprise I am posting on this board in need of your help. Gosh do any relationships just kind of evolve in healthy and nurturing ways? This chapter of this book is very very good and I highly recommend it for anyone needing a better understanding of why pursuing does not work. For me, it switched on a light in my muddled mind. I have a long standing pattern of relating to my husband that enabled him to be very successful at distancing.
At first glance, I thought, wow, I can give up pursuing and all the work associated with it, and that will feel really good. (Then I realized all the secondary gains that come with being a pursuer) But really in giving up pursuing, you are giving up a deception that has kept you going (in my instance for a long time) and is grounded in a false belief that pursuing him will bring me love and acceptance and emotional well being. When in fact, it does the opposite.
I know this has been said in several different ways on this board, but Deluca says, "If a pursuer actually does ""lose"" her partner, this can't be seen as a true loss since she did not ""have"" him to begin with......"
I've heard you say that 25.
I'll be brief, but my engagement story is the classic example of this dance.
H and I dated for three years. I was 25-28. First year we were in different cities, then we decided to “see how things worked” for us and I like a good pursuer, moved from Michigan to Indiana. We did not move in together. I set up my own place. Life continued on, we spent a lot of time together camping, biking, going to the theatre and symphony…..all fun. Visited my parents home on Lake Michigan in the summer, sailed had a blast etc etc.
We had an opportunity to do a six week trip to Nepal to trek in the Himalayas. Had a blast, lots of interesting experiences. We traveled well together.
After coming home from that trip, another 6 months or so passed, marriage talks began. I remembered H did not seem too interested. I let it go for awhile. When I brought it up he would say, “I don’t see the need to get married.” I said I wanted children etc. He seemed a little indifferent about that. (distancer behavior) Said his life was fulfilled without kids. (so weird now, because he truly adores our boys)
At any rate, in Nov of 86 I give H and ultimatum. Told him it was time to call it quits,I was preparing to go into a rigorous training program for a new job with Merck Pharmaceuticals, and had to be in Chicago for 8 weeks and then on to the home office in Philly for another month. I thought it was a good time to make the break as I would not have to be around him. So I said, we are either going forward with marriage or let’s call it a day.
He did not have an answer for me, so I left for Chicago. ( stoped pursuing) Within a week he knocked on my hotel door unannounced and said, I think we should “do it”. I said do what? he said you know do it. (never did he say get married). He said let’s spend the weekend looking at rings in Chicago Which we did. By Christmas that year he purchased a diamond from Israel and had a ring made for me and had it hanging as an ornament on my parents Christmas tree and I had to find it after reading a note telling me it was hidden on the tree. He only came forward toward me when I backed off entirely.
