Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

I've been gone for a while, but am back for some support. I have kept trying my 180s and GAL, but have not seen much progress. Since I confronted my husband, everything related to OW has become a trigger. Part has been self-induced, as I have kept checking out her facebook and instagram sites. (And she posts A LOT). So I have learned so many details of her life and things they do together - not helpful. I have now stopped that - I realize it is not helpful and just hurts ME.

My son was born on July 25th and H had expressed he wanted to be there with me during labor. Well, I have to say it was one of the most painful days of my life. He was there all right, but not present. I was induced - it was about a 12 hrs. process all-together. Of those 12 hrs., he slept for about 6 or 7 of them. And when awake, it was like having an acquaintance or friend there, not my husband. I did not make a scene or complain once to him - he will never know how much he hurt me that day...

Leading up to the birth of our son, he told me a couple of times that he was unsure "what to choose - if her or his family."

I of course got my hopes up, just to find out a week after the birth of our son that he had decided to choose her. He told me she left her husband at least a month earlier and he had been lying to me about her trying to still work on her marriage. He said they decided to pursue their relationship and that he was sorry he hurt me. He said he wished for me to be happy and that I would find someone who would love me for who I am - a very kind and sweet person. I told him calmly that it hurt me, but if he felt he needed to try that relationship, that I could not control him and he should go see if the grass is really greener on the other side.

I have continued trying my DB, with ups and downs. We've had bad arguments related to her and I have had setbacks, but I am still trying. they have happened when he has gone to visit her in Oakland (while I stay here to take care of my 3 kids alone).

The one thing that kept me hoping was the fact that he has not filed for divorce. Well... yesterday our real-estate agent (and good friend) called me and told me that he told her (it slipped), that he was waiting for me to go back to work after maternity leave to file for divorce so he could have more leverage negotiating.

This is one of the most painful things to me. I have told him repeatedly that I don't care about money (we have A LOT of financial problems right now) - all I care about is our relationship. But somehow he feels the need to have "negotiating leverage." It feels to me like he thinks I will try to take him to the cleaners or something should we divorce. It pains me to see that he could even think that of me and it pains me to see how cold and calculating he is about the whole divorce issue. I had hopes that maybe he had some doubts in his mind...

I feel like giving up today for sure...

M:40
H:40
D1:3.5 yrs. old
D2: 2.5 yrs. old
S1: 6 weeks old

M: 13 yrs / together 19 yrs

EA: 11/10/10
PA: could have started as early as 11/10
ILYBNILWY: 12/20/10
Sep: 12/23/10
He asked for Divorce: 01/31/11, but has not filed yet
H choses to pursue his relationship with OW openly - July 2011